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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on November 19, 2008, at 13:52:14
I told my T about an interesting experience I had on Sunday. This what happened: I met this person and while she was speaking, I started to see a clear image of a skeleton. It lingered for a few seconds. Then, I saw her face with skin but it still looked bony and skeletal. I got really scared. It took a couple minutes for reality to kick in and see her as how everyone else sees her. It's one of the weirdest moments of my life. This image was so clear, lucid, detailed, but horrifying.
Then.... I told my T about my nightmares I had a few days before meeting that lady. Well, after discussing my dreams for a couple minutes we agreed that they are in relation to the terror I feel.
My T's next comment was something like this: "I think you need to speak with your pdoc. The nightmares and the vision of skeleton may be related to your medication." I was like, WTF? I'm hallucinating?!!!? I told her I didn't like that interpretation. She repeated herself, "You really need to speak with your pdoc. We need to figure out if this hallucination and the dreams are related, in any way, to your medication." I told her that I didn't want to hear her say that. I said that I'm already messed up, I don't want another diagnosis. She said that we just need understand what's going on better.
I see my pdoc tomorrow, but I'm scared. What if I am hallucinating?! I got 2 new meds 6 weeks ago, in addition to the 2 I have been on for a couple years, but I haven't had any side effects from the new 2. I don't know what to think. I hate sitting with this information and not knowing what my pdoc will say. I'm getting paranoid that maybe I did actually hallucinate.
I could sense it was getting time and I really wanted to leave. The intense feelings I was experiencing were more than I felt I could handle at the moment, and I just wanted to leave. It was time, so it's not like she could have spent more minutes with me. She asked how I was feeling. I said I felt like crying because I don't want to become schizophrenic (my mom is schizophrenic). I already have enough going on. I cried a little, then it was time for me to go. She asked how I was, I told her that I was fine, but obviously not. Then I left.
I don't know what I felt like posting this. I'm sure none of you have experienced something like this, I just wanted to get this out.
Posted by Dinah on November 19, 2008, at 23:17:15
In reply to Nightmares and hallucinations?, posted by JayMac on November 19, 2008, at 13:52:14
I don't think you need to be too worried at this point. You weren't totally out of touch with reality. You realized that what you were seeing wasn't right and you corrected it.
Medications can cause all sorts of weird experiences. And if you aren't sleeping well, that could add to it. *Definitely* call your doctor and tell him about it. He might want to change your meds around.
I haven't had that experience, but I've had pretty weird experiences at times. Some meds related. Some sleep related. Some both. When I was on neurontin I had my first and only episode of sleep paralysis. Scared me silly. The doctor took me off it, and that was that. Not one instance since.
Meds would be a logical "culprit". Or sleep deprivation. Or some combination of those and stress. I think it's a time for prudence, but not for panic, if that makes sense.
Not that I'm a doctor or have any special knowledge. I don't. But your pdoc should be able to give you a better idea of what's going on.
Posted by lucie lu on November 20, 2008, at 13:34:17
In reply to Nightmares and hallucinations?, posted by JayMac on November 19, 2008, at 13:52:14
Jay,
What a horrible experience - ugh. I'm not surprised you freaked out, I would have too. But your T is right, it could well be the meds. That would not mean another diagnosis for you, it would be considered a side effect of one or more of your meds, alone or in combination with one another. Drug interactions are poorly characterized for any but the most common combinations. I was talking just this week to a friend about some medication he had tried for his inflammatory condition. It wasn't a psych med at all, and he's not a psych patient. But he started to hear voices! He said he'd turn around to see who was talking to him but there was no one there. It totally freaked him out. He called his MD in a panic - was he going crazy? Turns out that it is a rare but documented side effect of this particular anti-inflammatory drug. And sure enough, he stopped having them when he switched to another med. People also hallucinate from things like high fevers. So many physical things can cause hallucinations - they are not just a psychiatric symptom.
It seems reasonable for your T to want to rule meds out before treating your experience as a psychiatric issue. Plus she must know you well enough to know how upsetting it must be to you, given your mother's history. So I'm sure she's being extra careful. The fact that you've been having a string of nightmares recently is also suggestive of the same thing, a med-related problem. Think of it positively - if it's the meds, you can just switch to something else and your nightmares and hallucinations will go away!
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It must be particularly difficult for you given your family history. Hopefully it will all be attributable to physical causes and you'll be rid of them.
Take care, and hugs,
Lucie
Posted by JayMac on November 21, 2008, at 0:04:06
In reply to Re: Nightmares and hallucinations? » JayMac, posted by Dinah on November 19, 2008, at 23:17:15
Dinah and Lucie, thank you for your support! It means the world to me!!!
I spent a large part of yesterday extremely upset, practically in a rage, at my T. I absolutely hated that she mentioned that I might be hallucinating, or what I thought she had said, that I was becoming my mom. During the session I was a little bit upset, but it was minimized. When I got home, I was suddenly extremely depressed. I covered myself in blankets and sobbed for a long while. Then, I went into my rage-state and listened to loud music. I realized I had missed a call, it was her, we spoke later last night, and she said she wanted to clarify what she had told me earlier. She said something like this, "I left the office thinking that you would possibly distort what I had said earlier about your hallucination. I didn't want you to go to sleep tonight with the idea that I suggested that you are becoming schizophrenic. I simply want you and us to examine all the possibilities." Then she said, "You know I don't usually initiate contact, but I felt I should give you a call and state what I wanted you to hear." We talked for a couple minutes about what my pdoc who had said, that it could be one of my meds, and will take me off of the med and put me on something else.
It was good to talk to her on the phone. We have never spoken that long on the phone before (at least not since our original phone contact and consultation), a grand total of 6 minutes! Lol.....it was just nice to hear her voice and basically hear her tell me that she cares.
Then today we spoke about yesterday and all my hurt and anger towards her. She kept asking me how I feel. I kept thinking I was telling her, then, eventually I said how I felt. Sometimes she'll ask me how I feel, and I'll tell her my actions. Then she'll tell me she wants to know how I feel. I have a tough time with all my feelings and putting words to my internal emotional states!! All those feeling words were not included in my mind's dictionary.
We talked about other things too, and we reconnected, and now I don't feel like she is another person who has disappointed me in life. She stated, "You don't give me the benefit of the doubt." I said, "I do with little things," then I laughed at my comment. The truth is that I rarely give her the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I do, but, when it comes to big stuff (like yesterday's incident), I don't and then I feel completely left out in the cold stripped of all sense of self worth.
It's hard for me to imagine that there's someone who cares. She has only known me a matter of months and is emotionally invested in me! It boggles my mind. I understand it, but I rarely let myself FEEL it. I emailed her earlier this week that I can only come for 2 weeks in December. She asked me about this yesterday, and I said that I needed the money in order to pay the upfront copayment for my new PPO plan. She looked at me with warm understanding and loving concern.
This whole therapist and patient relationship is great, it just requires a whole lot more effort than I could have ever expected. I understand the principles, I'm well versed in its origins, techniques, theories, and literature. Experiencing something like this is more than I imagined it would, or even could, be!!!! My relationship with my T is more dramatic than any other relationship!
In the end, I hope we'll think back about all the tough times and smile at each other because of how far we've come.
Thanks as well to everyone who read this!
=)
Peace,
JayMac
This is the end of the thread.
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