Posted by JayMac on November 21, 2008, at 0:04:06
In reply to Re: Nightmares and hallucinations? » JayMac, posted by Dinah on November 19, 2008, at 23:17:15
Dinah and Lucie, thank you for your support! It means the world to me!!!
I spent a large part of yesterday extremely upset, practically in a rage, at my T. I absolutely hated that she mentioned that I might be hallucinating, or what I thought she had said, that I was becoming my mom. During the session I was a little bit upset, but it was minimized. When I got home, I was suddenly extremely depressed. I covered myself in blankets and sobbed for a long while. Then, I went into my rage-state and listened to loud music. I realized I had missed a call, it was her, we spoke later last night, and she said she wanted to clarify what she had told me earlier. She said something like this, "I left the office thinking that you would possibly distort what I had said earlier about your hallucination. I didn't want you to go to sleep tonight with the idea that I suggested that you are becoming schizophrenic. I simply want you and us to examine all the possibilities." Then she said, "You know I don't usually initiate contact, but I felt I should give you a call and state what I wanted you to hear." We talked for a couple minutes about what my pdoc who had said, that it could be one of my meds, and will take me off of the med and put me on something else.
It was good to talk to her on the phone. We have never spoken that long on the phone before (at least not since our original phone contact and consultation), a grand total of 6 minutes! Lol.....it was just nice to hear her voice and basically hear her tell me that she cares.
Then today we spoke about yesterday and all my hurt and anger towards her. She kept asking me how I feel. I kept thinking I was telling her, then, eventually I said how I felt. Sometimes she'll ask me how I feel, and I'll tell her my actions. Then she'll tell me she wants to know how I feel. I have a tough time with all my feelings and putting words to my internal emotional states!! All those feeling words were not included in my mind's dictionary.
We talked about other things too, and we reconnected, and now I don't feel like she is another person who has disappointed me in life. She stated, "You don't give me the benefit of the doubt." I said, "I do with little things," then I laughed at my comment. The truth is that I rarely give her the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I do, but, when it comes to big stuff (like yesterday's incident), I don't and then I feel completely left out in the cold stripped of all sense of self worth.
It's hard for me to imagine that there's someone who cares. She has only known me a matter of months and is emotionally invested in me! It boggles my mind. I understand it, but I rarely let myself FEEL it. I emailed her earlier this week that I can only come for 2 weeks in December. She asked me about this yesterday, and I said that I needed the money in order to pay the upfront copayment for my new PPO plan. She looked at me with warm understanding and loving concern.
This whole therapist and patient relationship is great, it just requires a whole lot more effort than I could have ever expected. I understand the principles, I'm well versed in its origins, techniques, theories, and literature. Experiencing something like this is more than I imagined it would, or even could, be!!!! My relationship with my T is more dramatic than any other relationship!
In the end, I hope we'll think back about all the tough times and smile at each other because of how far we've come.
Thanks as well to everyone who read this!
=)
Peace,
JayMac
poster:JayMac
thread:864011
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/864349.html