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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Suedehead on November 6, 2008, at 20:12:21
I see my T in a large office building, one floor of which houses a bunch of therapists in private practice. I have to take the elevator up there, as the staircase is closed off except in cases of emergency. Every time, I worry that he'll get in the elevator with me. I don't know why, exactly, but it makes me very nervous. Would we acknowledge each other? Would we talk? I have no idea what he is like outside of his office. More to the point, I have no idea what *we* are like outside of his office, and I vacillate between desperately wanting to find out and being absolutely terrified of it.
Anyway, it happened today, for the first time. I got into the elevator with several other people, and just as the door was about to close, he got in. We looked at each other, smiled, and nodded hi. He stood next to me, but we didn't talk any more. When we got to his floor, I got off first. He made a joke about my being as 'directionally confused' as he is, because I took a second to figure out which way to turn to get to his office (there are elevators on both sides of the lobby, so sometimes I need to go left, and sometimes right). He said something about having a terrible sense for that sort of thing, and I said that I do, too. Then he went into his office and told me that he'd see me in a minute.
We spent the session talking about a trip I'm taking this weekend. Our meeting in the elevator didn't come up until the last ten minutes, at which point he said, "We saw each other in the elevator. What do you think about that?" I said, "Yeah, it was weird," and he asked if I'd been thinking about it for the whole session. I said no. He said that he hadn't either, but that it had suddenly occurred to him. He said, "We're quite the dissociative couple, aren't we?" and I agreed. Seeing him in the elevator was definitely significant, but I'd blocked it out entirely once the session started, and so had he.
Anyway, we didn't have a lot of time to talk about it, really. He said that he hadn't wanted to say much to me out of respect for my privacy--the elevator had been pretty full. I understood (and sort of appreciated) that, but asked him what it would have been like had we been the only people on it. He said that he imagined that we'd have looked at each other, laughed, said, "This is weird!" and maybe made small talk for a minute or something. Then I pushed it further, and asked what it would have been like had the elevator broken, trapping us alone together for some amount of time. He said, "I don't even want to think about that!" and laughed, and then, a second later, said, "Wait, are you serious? You're being serious, aren't you?" I said that I was. He said, "At first, I thought that you were flirting, but then I realized that it was a serious question." I said, "It wasn't a come on. I am sincerely wondering how we would talk to each other, and what we'd talk about." He said that these were good questions, and that he didn't know the answers to them. He said that presumably we would talk about lots of things, and that it wouldn't be therapy, but rather some kind of social encounter. "We'd talk about the election--that sort of thing," he said. "We would?" I asked. We'd already run over by five minutes at this point, so we had to stop there, but we agreed that we should talk more about it on Monday.
It's funny, because now, I realize that my question about being stuck on a broken elevator with him *was* seductive. It was a serious question, too, of course, but even *as* a serious question, it was flirtatious.
Also, the thought of being able to talk about the election with him is just about the most exciting one I've had in ages. Part of me really wants nothing more than to be able to know him in that way--as a friend, I guess. In so many ways I'm grateful for the boundaries that exist in our relationship; he is a great therapist, and I need him to continue to play that role in my life. But it is nearly impossible for me not to want more, at least sometimes. And the better I get to know him, the more I'm struck by the unique rapport we have with each other, and the more I yearn for some way to incorporate him into my life in some more permanent and substantial way.
I'm not really sure what the point of this post is. I guess it's just an update, or a record of what's going on with me. Sometimes I talk to my boyfriend about therapy, but for the most part there's no one in my real life who understands all this stuff, so it's helpful for me to write about it here.
Posted by no_rose_garden on November 6, 2008, at 21:20:42
In reply to Elevator rides, etc., posted by Suedehead on November 6, 2008, at 20:12:21
Hi suedehead.
I really liked reading your post...I felt like I was there!At any rate, I love(d) seeing my old counselor outside of session. It felt so special to see him, especially when he saw and acknowledged me. I would always give him a HUGE smile and he'd just laugh.
I'm glad you two got to start talking about that...seems like a nice topic :)
PS What does your name mean?
Posted by Suedehead on November 6, 2008, at 22:32:10
In reply to Re: Elevator rides, etc., posted by no_rose_garden on November 6, 2008, at 21:20:42
Thanks, no_rose_garden. It's definitely a good topic, yeah. I'm glad that we've started in on it, especially because there's a very real chance that we'll run into each other out in public eventually...
Oh, and my name is from a song by Morrissey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PR5LS_LAnWw).
Posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 23:15:14
In reply to Re: Elevator rides, etc., posted by Suedehead on November 6, 2008, at 22:32:10
I think your therapist sounds really great and sensitive. I'm glad he brought it up - it was an important encounter.
Sometimes I think we'd all like to believe that our therapists never leave their office. I used to tease mine about having a murphy bed and hot plate in there because he was always there in my mind. I think we want to know if they are really the same at the office as they are outside of it.
Public places are tricky - how much can you really say? And while I totally understand the longing to have an expanded relationship, it can backfire when you learn something jarring. Take the election - what if he voted for the wrong candidate?!
I think the fact that he thought you were flirting is interesting. Do you often flirt with him? Have you talked about this before? Makes me wonder what his fantasy is about an elevator? :)
I hope you post after Monday. I want to hear the follow up.
Posted by seldomseen on November 7, 2008, at 2:53:26
In reply to Elevator rides, etc., posted by Suedehead on November 6, 2008, at 20:12:21
Oooooh I hate it when therapists go free range like that. I've run into mine it seems like all over town, which usually ended up with me hiding somewhere until he passed.
One time however, A friend and I ran into him in a restaurant, and we were already seated, ordered and stuck.
It was like observing a wild animal in his native habitat.
I tried to be stealth in my observations, but my friend did everything but point and say "THAT is your therapist - HIM that guy sitting right over there?"
It was so unnerving. The next session my therapist said "So that must have been XXXX with you" He's just what I imagined." I laughed until I thought I would burst.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on November 7, 2008, at 12:33:06
In reply to Elevator rides, etc., posted by Suedehead on November 6, 2008, at 20:12:21
My therapist knows how much I hate seeing him out of the office. I've ducked behind things to wait rather than ride the same elevator. It's happened a couple of times by chance. Both times my therapist politely asked if he should take another elevator, and I replied no that wasn't necessary. That gave us both a reason to smile until it was mercifully over.
If we did happen to be stuck in the elevator together I'm sure it would be fine after a few minutes because the elevator space would then be transformed into a therapy space. We might just chat, but the chatting would be therapist/client chatting.
Very very early in the therapy he would talk to me as he led me to and from the office. Just polite conversation, but I asked him to please stop. Since then he usually walks many paces ahead of me. At first I think he was offended, but now I think he understands better.
Posted by rskontos on November 7, 2008, at 17:37:10
In reply to Re: Elevator rides, etc., posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 23:15:14
So if my t/p-doc talk about things like the election, how I stand, how he stands, what I think about certain programs pertaining to the election, movies ones he recommends, ones I recommend, site I like and ones he wants the links to so he can go to them etc does that mean a friendship of sorts exits. It was a comment or statement that you made Suedehead that made me wonder. I never thought of it that way, I have always thought of it as small talk. Babbling is what I often think of it. I know how my T/p-doc feels on the election, I know who he voted for, he knows who I voted for. He told me of a somewhat embarrassing thing that happened when he went to vote, something he hoped no one else he knew saw. He told me as I was leaving. I know he considers his wife his soul mate. I said I did not think I believed in the concept when my soon to be ex BIL said my sister is his soulmate and he can't live with her, my BIL is very abusive, and I casually ask my T is he believed in it. I rarely ask personal stuff and it is comes out when I do. I really think about personal stuff though. Does that make me weird or shallow? I had not even thought about this topic until you brought it up. So this is probably good to think about it.
I do know if I ran into my T outside the office it would alarm me and I would be at a loss of what to do. Hopefully I never have to confront this. It could happen his office isn't far from my house but I think he lives in the city I live in a suburb. Hopefully I never run into him. When my sessions were earlier in the day I worried he would be coming in the same time I was. I take the stairs though never the elevator, I am pretty sure he takes the elevator. I do it for the exercise. But it is only one floor. Two flights. you know one with the landings in between. Mine would probably greet me and be cordial. I would probably mess it up.
Do many people want to be friends with their therapist? Is it a good thing? I am still struggling to trust so I am not sure what I want yet.
I do trust him mostly. But more I am not so sure bout that.
I am mixed up to say the least.
rsk
Posted by Suedehead on November 10, 2008, at 21:31:17
In reply to Re: Elevator rides, etc., posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 23:15:14
Thanks for your response, Daisy. I was away all weekend and am just now able to reply. Do I often flirt with him? Hmm. That's tricky, because I don't think of myself as the flirting kind, really; even when I want to flirt with someone, I'm generally not quite sure how to go about it. But, when I think about it, I realize that there *is* probably a fair amount of flirting going on between the two of us most of the time, though it's generally pretty subtle and never overtly sexual. A lot of it is non-verbal, really. I don't know; we've never talked about this stuff, actually, but you've got me thinking that it could be a rich topic to explore...
Anyway, I saw him today, and I'm planning to post about it, but not tonight. I'm tired (the weekend wore me out, with all the driving and visiting with my boyfriend's family) and need to get some sleep.
Posted by Suedehead on November 10, 2008, at 21:34:27
In reply to Re: Elevator rides, etc., posted by seldomseen on November 7, 2008, at 2:53:26
Seldom, your story made me laugh...and cringe! That must have been really weird and unsettling. I always scan the room for my therapist when I enter a restaurant, bar, theatre, etc.--luckily (?), we don't seem to frequent the same places, though.
Posted by Suedehead on November 10, 2008, at 21:38:25
In reply to Re: Elevator rides, etc. » Suedehead, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2008, at 12:33:06
It's interesting that you say that the elevator space would be transformed into a therapy space for you. Both my therapist and I seemed to think that for us any conversation that would take place under such circumstances would be distinctly social--but neither of us was really able to spell that out at all, and I wonder if we were right. In a sense it seems more natural that we'd just fall back into our normal roles of therapist/patient.
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