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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by CareBear04 on November 10, 2008, at 0:14:27
In the last two months, I've made some stupid mistakes. But none of them have been intentional, with the purpose of dying, or even with a good idea that I would do myself serious harm.
To back up a little, in the first week of September, my pdoc sent a letter that said he was going on family leave until early October and that if we needed something quickly, his two colleagues would be available. I wasn't particularly distressed by his leaving. I made an appointment with the covering doctor for the third week of september so i could get some more adderall. During that week, I could feel myself getting lithium toxic. On the day of the appointment, I was really sick at school. I told the pdoc that I thought I was lithium toxic and that I had to run out of one class to puke. he just brushed off what i said and went on talking about something else. i think what he said was that now my pdoc wouldn't be back until december. i went home and took my dose. the next day, I was in the hospital with a level of 4.2.
While I was in the hospital, I saw a really nice consulting pdoc. While I generally find it hard to develop a rapport with new Ts, I felt like I clikced with this one right away. He was paged and had to leave quickly, but later, he came back, offered his card, and said that if my other options didn't work out, he'd be happy to work with me in the interim. He came back two days later just to check up, and again, I found it easy to talk to him. Our scheduled appointment was about two weeks later.
Before then, I did my first reckless and stupid thing. I was prescribed Xanax and Adderall, and I took some leftover Ultram because I was having some pain. I was again hospitalized, this time just for the weekend.
I didn't tell the new pdoc about the second hospitalization. I guess I was hoping he would find out and theroized that if he looked me up on the online system, he would find out for himself.
We had two good appointments. At the end of the second, I asked him some things about his practice. He said that he is one of two consulting pdocs for three campuses of the hospital and that he's not really building up his private practice since he's so busy. Given what he said, I didn't think he went around giving business cards to every patient, and I wanted to know why me?
And now the third stupid thing and the one that broke the camel's back. I took someone else's tricyclics, only two pills (about 300mg) along with my xanax. I never thought the result would be so serious; if i had, I never would have taken the pills at school. But as it was, I ended up in the ICU, and once there, was "encouraged" to admit myself to the psych unit.
The way the doctors talked, I thought this covering pdoc wouldn't ever talk to me again, but as the paramedics were arriving to transfer me, he came in. He said that what happened made him really sad; that he'd sat the night before with his wife talking it over. He made me cry when he said, "I thought we had a connection." I think he thought I knew six days ago at our last appointment that I was planning to OD and just didn't tell him. Even if I did, I wouldn't know how to contact him in an emergency. But all along, he'd emphasized that "there is hope," and "if something doesn't work, it's the treatment that failed and not you." he said he would come by the unit to see me.
it turned out that he was the pdoc on call for the unit that weekend. when he saw me on saturday, i don't remember what set me off, but i was crying pretty hard. Incidentally, I was embarrassed to have cried so much on the unit since I'm normally not someone who cries. On Sunday, I put on my happy face when we talked. Even as he acknowledged that I was just smiling on the outside, he thought it was a good improvement and that I looked more like our two office visits. We had a nice long chat, and he didn't give me any hint that he wanted to bail on me.
Then, on Wednesday and Thursday, things went wrong. First, I met with the pdoc on the unit, and I thought we had a nice talk about how best to approach the meeting with my parents. In the meeting, all he talked about was DBT and partial hospitalization, which he hadn't mentioned at all before then. On Thursday, he met with me in my room instead of in his office. I told him that I felt betrayed by his comments the day before, and I guess he agreed that I could feel that way. Then, I think told me how the whole team including my new pdoc thought i needed really intensive outpatient care. i think i was already upset when one of the nurses popped in to say, "Dr. W (the interim pdoc) is on his way." the unti pdoc looked relieved and said that he was glad because he thought dr. w. should tell me himself.
dr. w told me that he felt that he didn't have the skills and tools he needed to treat someone like me. he talked about how i needed dbt, even though i emphasized that my mother had conceded in the meeting the day before that i had never been impulsive until september and that i didn't otherwise fit the criteria for BPD. it just took me by surprise because a week ago, he was saying that he thought we had a connection, and just days before, he had made no mention of dbt or discontinuing with me. i scared him with what i said when he asked where i would be and what i would do if i had a choice. as he was leaving, i asked him why he had given me his card and offered to work with me. he said, "i was concerned then, just as i am now." i felt like i couldn't feel any lower than i did then. i know it's self-centered, but i wanted to believe that i was special in some way or that, for some reason, i was someone he wanted to treat. it really really hurt that he answered only that he was concerned. when i think objectively, though, i know that can't be the whole answer-- he has probably seen dozens of patients he has been concerned about, and given that his private practice is so small, he can't have offered many his outpatient services.
maybe he cares; maybe he cares a lot. maybe he thought i was special. but why couldn't he say those things while still emphasizing that he didn't think he had what it takes to help me? i liked him a lot and i really trusted him.
has something like this happened to anyone else?
when does it stop hurting?
cb
Posted by softheprairie on November 10, 2008, at 2:24:15
In reply to when you feel kicked in the stomach..., posted by CareBear04 on November 10, 2008, at 0:14:27
I yearn to be special to pdoc/t too. I really feel for you. I also fear being labeled as having BPD tendencies, which may contribute to my inhibitedness with pdoc/t.
Posted by Phillipa on November 10, 2008, at 12:53:21
In reply to Re: when you feel kicked in the stomach..., posted by softheprairie on November 10, 2008, at 2:24:15
Carebear did you mean to attempt suicide I hope not. So which T is it. If you cliqued I'd do anything to try and remain with him as a patient as I clicked once and she was in a hospital and was very young but age didn't matter but she couldn't take private patients. Good luck. Scarey what happened to you. Love Phillipa
Posted by lucie lu on November 11, 2008, at 10:56:21
In reply to when you feel kicked in the stomach..., posted by CareBear04 on November 10, 2008, at 0:14:27
I'm sorry you have been having such a hard timeof it recently. (((((((CareBear)))))))))))Could you print out your post and let your good guy read it with you? Your narrative makes sense to me. Seems to me like he has decided you are BPD because he may be misunderstanding your motives and how things look from your side. Maybe if he understands you better, he'll find that he does, in fact, have the right stuff to work with you productively. Just a thought.
Hope you're feeling better soon. Take care,
Lucie
Posted by rskontos on November 12, 2008, at 9:52:32
In reply to Re: when you feel kicked in the stomach... » CareBear04, posted by lucie lu on November 11, 2008, at 10:56:21
Carebear,
I think this is what happens when we don't say what we mean or ask for clarification. In reading your about your situation with this p-doc I think you and he connected but did not verbalize it enough. I understand because you were probably afraid he might say "no, I just offered because I was worried". Well, I think if he was worried that is caring.
I think most of us here want caring to be caring on the side of really really caring and we need our therapists or p-docs to demonstrate that. But unfortunately their professional ethics and personalities usually forbad that behavior and we are left with the feeling of huh? Did I misinterpret you! When you didn't you just need more communication. They think sometimes actions speak all they need to say when we need both. And we need alot of both. We need in volumes that say I CARE! Both in actions and words. I understand so much what you mean. My therapist is my p-doc and sometimes I know he cares but sometimes it is the way he shows it, I think WTF. He leaves me feeling well if that is all you can show do I really need you? But in the end I know he has my well-being at heart.
Just like this one did. He thought giving you his card and his few brief words was enough of a connection. He did not realize you needed a large billboard hung over a highway. Well not really but that would be ok right. No. What I mean is we all need high levels of assurance. Sometimes they just don't get that right. Sometimes they do.
I agree that maybe you could just print your initial thread/post and let him read it. Maybe then he would understand and rethink what he thinks.
take care sweetie,
rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 12, 2008, at 9:53:20
In reply to Re: when you feel kicked in the stomach... » lucie lu, posted by rskontos on November 12, 2008, at 9:52:32
Posted by JoniS on November 14, 2008, at 19:35:37
In reply to when you feel kicked in the stomach..., posted by CareBear04 on November 10, 2008, at 0:14:27
CareBear
I could be you. Your story could be my story. I feel the same as you, but luckily I have managed to stay away from most meds. But if I got started, that would be it. I hate therapy now, because I love my T and I only want him to care about me like I care about him.I wish you better days.
Joni
This is the end of the thread.
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