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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
My T is the best.
This past week we talked about how I've been unable to really write since my pdoc had called my writing b*llsh*t. I had discussed it w/my pdoc, again, and we had made great progress, about me bringing him my writing as a secret, really, and how he rejected me. He wandered off into the area of criticism and was focused on talking about how difficult it is for me to take criticism for my writing, something that is really at my core. I love to write and have since I was a kid. I will admit that it's hard for me to show it to anyone, but I've gotten braver at that.
Thinking back on it, I think he was off on a tangent. It wasn't the criticism that bothered me so much as the fact that it came from him as a reaction I perceived from a negative paternal figure (my father, of course).
Well, my T and I got into this subject this week. She has read a lot of my work, BTW, and has always been supportive. (I'm not saying my writing is perfect, but I usually can get a point across). I'm trying to defend myself here, on why she doesn't criticize it (everyone can use some constructive criticism) so I don't look like I think my writing is perfect. It's not at all...
Anyway, after me trying to remember exactly why he criticized what i wrote (I haven't been able to go back and even look it; it makes me cringe w/embarrassment just to think about it), she pointed out that it wasn't my writing he criticized, it was what I wrote that he criticized.
Does anyone see the distinction, because it's so clear to me. So I bravely went back to see what had ignited his response, and it was all there on paper. I had written something that he had taken personally, as an afront to his professional abilities as a doctor, that he wouldn't be there when I needed him.
It's a long story, but I was headed to the hospital and I was afraid that like a previous time, I would totally freak out and let my anger out (I've always been afraid of the anger). Well, I had been in the hospital a few years ago, and I hardly remember it, but they had to tie me down because I was so out of control. I guess I just let the untapped anger out and they weren't sure what to do. My T would have known right away that the tying me down was reminiscent of past shames, but my DH didn't even think to call her. Geez, sorry this is so long.
I had tried to bring this up w/my pdoc, and he had dismissed it, saying I wasn't going to lose control, yada, yada. I was angry and had written him a letter in which I said that I had wanted to ask him if he would be available if I did lose control. Then I attacked him, saying something about being left in the care of hospital personnel who wouldn't know what to do (again!) and would pump me up w/useless drugs, etc.
That's the part that made him mad. He said, "all of my patients know that I'm available," etc. I told him that I'm not "all" of your patients, I'm me, and how would I know this? Discussing this w/my T this week, she pointed out that I had expected nothing from him (as my past experiences w/my parents had shown me) and he was angry because he assumed the opposite: that as a good pdoc, he was obligated to be there.
It showed me how twisted I am in how I perceive the way people treat me today because I am wired to think the way I was brought up. So we untwisted that wire just a little bit.
But... the important thing is that I've accepted that it is what I said about him that produced the rupture, and not my writing. I don't care if someone criticizes what I write--and my pdoc was surely implicit in creating this rupture in my writing--it's the writing itself that is important.
Does anyone get this? That his criticism wasn't about my writing? It was a disagreement about WHAT I wrote.
The weight was lifted and I've been writing like a fiend, trying to finish a story I started over a year ago.
It has been almost a full year since I've been able to write. Unbelievable.
Then the kicker--the letter I had written to him last year that precipitated this crisis, and my resolution of it this year--hit the anniversary of the death of my father. Oh joy, a whole other area to explore!
I see my pdoc this week. I've broken the cord that I felt necessary before I could write again. I thought I needed his permission, and knew I was only punishing myself (my father again).
Too much else to say--yes, those writing genes are flowing--but bless my T for opening up the idea for me, and thanks to my inner soul that took what she said and figured the rest out.
Such a long haul about something so important to me. I'm mad my pdoc didn't get this earlier, but I also recognize that as anger toward my father.
thanks for those who followed this.
There are wonderful moments in therapy sometimes!
antigua
Posted by rskontos on November 2, 2008, at 10:55:26
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
Antigua,
i am thrilled that with your T you were able to let go of something has held you back for so long and prevented you from doing something so important for you. I would imagine the reason your p-doc did not get it is because for him his feelings got in the way of his professional view and clouded his thinking. So in this instance he couldn't see the forest for the trees and it was fortunate you have such a good T that provided that necessary link between of the two of you.Happy writing....not to mention the other progress this signifies.
rsk
Posted by toetapper on November 2, 2008, at 10:58:29
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
Hi Antigua, light-bulb moments sure are fun to watch from the sidelines, congratulations :)
I think it's important to be constantly vigilant about honestly and compassionately identifying what stuff we, ourselves, are bringing to the table, and that our perception is often very damaged. It sounds like your T was able to hold you safely while you did that, and that's really cool. I think it's also really important to bravely keep scratching away at those things that make us most uncomfortable, even though that's what we spend the most time and energy backing away from. For doing so usually exposes a crack or a hidden door, a way over or around those things that seem so huge and so scary and so overwhelming, yet hold the key to the greatest growth and change.
Really cool stuff.
Do you participate in NaNoWriMo? It's a challenge to write 50,000 words during the month of November, it's one of those things that started out really small and is now kind of huge, but still a lot of fun. You (and anyone else here who writes!) should think about joining in! I'm not sure how to link?
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 3, 2008, at 7:50:11
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
(((Angigua))); I am also a writer (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com) my website.....of faith-based poetry, after my church voted me out of membership; over 300 poems came pouring from my wounded soul. Ahhh, Us sensitive poet-types, LOL
You SHOULD feel offended at someone criticizing your writing (I would,) I mean it is YOURS and only YOURs, and who is anybody else to put it down. Know what I think? That p-doc was JEALOUS. I've read that 99.9% of what people say and do to you is due to jealousy; I believe it. Why would anyone who is okay with themselves feel a need to criticize you??!!
I've written my book (memoir) Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice to someone who speaks up against injustice); if no one is interested, I WILL self-publish.
You keep right on writing, sweetie! Don't let anyone' jealousies, insecurities, etc.....stop you.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by antigua3 on November 3, 2008, at 8:45:30
In reply to Re: Eureka! (sorry, long) » antigua3, posted by sassyfrancesca on November 3, 2008, at 7:50:11
I don't think he was jealous; I think he was offended!
antigua
Posted by raisinb on November 3, 2008, at 9:27:14
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
Awesome! Your pdoc certainly does do some idiotic things; however, I suppose this had a silver lining, since it made you so much more able to deal with similar criticism in the future. Congratulations on being able to reach this moment ;)
Posted by antigua3 on November 3, 2008, at 10:23:02
In reply to Re: Eureka! (sorry, long) » antigua3, posted by raisinb on November 3, 2008, at 9:27:14
I think that was his point--to steel me against future criticism. But he didn't seem to grasp the main point, that it was criticism from the negative paternal figure that was so devastating. I'm just glad I was able to get over it. He was helpful in many ways, just not in the way I needed. So I got a two-for-one w/this experience. Or a lot more, really, because the whole thing opened up some really important things to talk about.
Yes, he's an odd duck, and things can be painful at times, but it's working out for me. I think I'm almost done w/him, except for meds. I have an appt w/him tomorrow, so we'll see. He has served his purpose.
antigua
Posted by Poet on November 3, 2008, at 10:56:30
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
Hi Antigua,
What a revelation! I would have thought the same thing you did that pdoc was critizing my writing, not objecting to something I wrote. I wish it hadn't taken so long for you and your T to realize it, but the long painful wait is over. Good for you.
Keep writing and letting your T read it until you're ready for pdoc to see it.
Poet (who rarely lets anybody read her writing.)
Posted by antigua3 on November 3, 2008, at 12:13:04
In reply to Re: Eureka! (sorry, long) » antigua3, posted by Poet on November 3, 2008, at 10:56:30
I have vowed to never write anything for my pdoc again. It's not worth it, and I have nothing to prove to him anymore. I know more about writing than he does (it's one of his admitted weaknesses) so I have no reason to trust his opinions anymore, anyway.
But he did teach me to bring my feelings in, rather than write them down, which has made things better. I just flat out refuse to send him anything every again, and haven't since he made that comment.
Yes, I'm stubborn, but there's just no need for it.
thanks for answering, Poet, and keep writing too!
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on November 3, 2008, at 12:26:35
In reply to Re: Eureka! (sorry, long) » sassyfrancesca, posted by antigua3 on November 3, 2008, at 8:45:30
Antigua skipped over rest of post why was he offended. They were your thoughts weren't they. I'd also be hurt if someone criticized what I thought was important enough to write about. And look at all the hard work that went into the writing. That's my thought. Now better read others to see if I goofed. Love Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on November 3, 2008, at 22:53:12
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
****My T is the best.****
I knew that already! :)
****Anyway, after me trying to remember exactly why he criticized what i wrote (I haven't been able to go back and even look it; it makes me cringe w/embarrassment just to think about it), she pointed out that it wasn't my writing he criticized, it was what I wrote that he criticized.
Does anyone see the distinction, because it's so clear to me. So I bravely went back to see what had ignited his response, and it was all there on paper. I had written something that he had taken personally, as an afront to his professional abilities as a doctor, that he wouldn't be there when I needed him. ****
This totally makes sense and I'd venture that this idea was flown before but you weren't ready to hear it. Sometimes these kinds of "aha" moments are actually ones that have come over and over again but you needed to be in a place to let it in. I'm glad you got there, I'm just sorry it was so much work and so hard on you.
Writing is such a personal thing - and I think so much a part of who you are. When it got wrapped up in all this fear and need for approval, it went away - like the wounded child part.
I'm glad you've been able to write again. I hope it stays with you and it adds clarity to all this work you are doing. And I hope you wrote something special for your therapist!! :)
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2008, at 17:43:12
In reply to Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
That really *is* wonderful. I'm glad you've found some peace about something that was keeping you from expressing yourself freely.
Good for you!
And your therapist!
Posted by antigua3 on November 5, 2008, at 12:45:21
In reply to Re: Eureka! (sorry, long), posted by DAisym on November 3, 2008, at 22:53:12
> This totally makes sense and I'd venture that this idea was flown before but you weren't ready to hear it. Sometimes these kinds of "aha" moments are actually ones that have come over and over again but you needed to be in a place to let it in. I'm glad you got there, I'm just sorry it was so much work and so hard on you.
>>You were absolutely right. I wasn't ready to hear it before. That's what my pdoc said last night, and my T confirmed again today.
It is wretched that this had to take so long to resolve, but as my T always says, "you can't rush it."
I never realized before, or maybe it was the "coincidence" that this rupture occurred around the anniversary of my father's death. As if I needed my father's permission to write, which in reality is ridiculous. But we aren't talking reality here anyway.
>Writing is such a personal thing - and I think so much a part of who you are. When it got wrapped up in all this fear and need for approval, it went away - like the wounded child part.>>Yes, my writing got intertwined w/my negative paternal transference w/my pdoc. It would be nice to say that I wouldn't have stopped writing if this hadn't happened, but since the outcome has wildly exceeded my expectations on my ability to move forward with my writing, I guess I would have to stubbornly say that it was worth it.
I can't overlook the influence my father has (had?) on my self esteem and how this played out through my inability to write.
I really have to think this over.
My pdoc said last night he had never seen me so happy. He's right.
Thanks for all your kind words, Daisy.
antigua
>
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