Posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 9:15:27
My T is the best.
This past week we talked about how I've been unable to really write since my pdoc had called my writing b*llsh*t. I had discussed it w/my pdoc, again, and we had made great progress, about me bringing him my writing as a secret, really, and how he rejected me. He wandered off into the area of criticism and was focused on talking about how difficult it is for me to take criticism for my writing, something that is really at my core. I love to write and have since I was a kid. I will admit that it's hard for me to show it to anyone, but I've gotten braver at that.
Thinking back on it, I think he was off on a tangent. It wasn't the criticism that bothered me so much as the fact that it came from him as a reaction I perceived from a negative paternal figure (my father, of course).
Well, my T and I got into this subject this week. She has read a lot of my work, BTW, and has always been supportive. (I'm not saying my writing is perfect, but I usually can get a point across). I'm trying to defend myself here, on why she doesn't criticize it (everyone can use some constructive criticism) so I don't look like I think my writing is perfect. It's not at all...
Anyway, after me trying to remember exactly why he criticized what i wrote (I haven't been able to go back and even look it; it makes me cringe w/embarrassment just to think about it), she pointed out that it wasn't my writing he criticized, it was what I wrote that he criticized.
Does anyone see the distinction, because it's so clear to me. So I bravely went back to see what had ignited his response, and it was all there on paper. I had written something that he had taken personally, as an afront to his professional abilities as a doctor, that he wouldn't be there when I needed him.
It's a long story, but I was headed to the hospital and I was afraid that like a previous time, I would totally freak out and let my anger out (I've always been afraid of the anger). Well, I had been in the hospital a few years ago, and I hardly remember it, but they had to tie me down because I was so out of control. I guess I just let the untapped anger out and they weren't sure what to do. My T would have known right away that the tying me down was reminiscent of past shames, but my DH didn't even think to call her. Geez, sorry this is so long.
I had tried to bring this up w/my pdoc, and he had dismissed it, saying I wasn't going to lose control, yada, yada. I was angry and had written him a letter in which I said that I had wanted to ask him if he would be available if I did lose control. Then I attacked him, saying something about being left in the care of hospital personnel who wouldn't know what to do (again!) and would pump me up w/useless drugs, etc.
That's the part that made him mad. He said, "all of my patients know that I'm available," etc. I told him that I'm not "all" of your patients, I'm me, and how would I know this? Discussing this w/my T this week, she pointed out that I had expected nothing from him (as my past experiences w/my parents had shown me) and he was angry because he assumed the opposite: that as a good pdoc, he was obligated to be there.
It showed me how twisted I am in how I perceive the way people treat me today because I am wired to think the way I was brought up. So we untwisted that wire just a little bit.
But... the important thing is that I've accepted that it is what I said about him that produced the rupture, and not my writing. I don't care if someone criticizes what I write--and my pdoc was surely implicit in creating this rupture in my writing--it's the writing itself that is important.
Does anyone get this? That his criticism wasn't about my writing? It was a disagreement about WHAT I wrote.
The weight was lifted and I've been writing like a fiend, trying to finish a story I started over a year ago.
It has been almost a full year since I've been able to write. Unbelievable.
Then the kicker--the letter I had written to him last year that precipitated this crisis, and my resolution of it this year--hit the anniversary of the death of my father. Oh joy, a whole other area to explore!
I see my pdoc this week. I've broken the cord that I felt necessary before I could write again. I thought I needed his permission, and knew I was only punishing myself (my father again).
Too much else to say--yes, those writing genes are flowing--but bless my T for opening up the idea for me, and thanks to my inner soul that took what she said and figured the rest out.
Such a long haul about something so important to me. I'm mad my pdoc didn't get this earlier, but I also recognize that as anger toward my father.
thanks for those who followed this.
There are wonderful moments in therapy sometimes!
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:860348
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/860348.html