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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
So I sent my T an articulate email explaing what I feel and why I feel that way. I told her a lot, and more, of what I wrote about in my previous post. And her email response was: I am sorry you are having a hard time. "If you would like to reschedule one of your appointments and come in on Monday I could see you at 11:45. Take care, [T's name]" Ok, so that may not seem so bad, but let me tell you this: She has fed me that line before, "I am sorry you are having a hard time."
What the f*** does that mean? In response to her email, I said: "Thanks, but I can't come in that time. I don't want you to be sorry that I'm having a hard time. What does that even mean that you're sorry? You've emailed that response to me before. Why can't you just say that you care?"
So.....huge confrontation!!! I don't necessarily like being so explicit with my message, but I feel like there's no other way.
Until last night, I haven't questioned her that much, a little here and there about small things, but never THIS MUCH. Before she sent that email, I called her voicemail again and said that all I wanted was for her to call and tell me that she cares and that's it. I'm not sure if she listened to that voicemail or not. Regardless! I totally feel like her response is depersonalizing our relationship and minimizing my feelings! What the heck? I just want her to acknowledge that our relationship is important to her.
I know that you could interpret her willing to reschedule as an act of care, but she knows that I can't come in on Monday. Ahhhh!!!! I'm upset. I'm still upset! I wanted something from her that would help me and what she gave me angers me even more.
Maybe no matter what she says I won't be satisfied. I don't know? I've told her that I don't need her to be perfect. I just want her to be as good as she can be while still remaining human. But the "good enough" response would be to tell me that she cares and that she'll see me Wednesday. She's given me a "good enough" response before and I was happy with it. Why can't she do that now?!?!?! I'm so freakin confused!
I just want to curl up and cry. I want to hold my pillow. Where's my pillow?
Posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:44:10
In reply to My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
Am I totally going nuts? I don't I am. Maybe like a little bit.
Posted by stellabystarlight on November 1, 2008, at 19:56:11
In reply to Re: My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:44:10
Jaymac,
Sorry it's so difficult and painful...and no, you're not going nuts, although it sure feels like it at times.
I'm sorry if you've already discussed this in your previous posts, but have you told your T about your intense feeling for her and how you want to hear her say she cares about you?
Stellabystarlight
Posted by stellabystarlight on November 1, 2008, at 20:05:46
In reply to Re: My T's response to my........ » JayMac, posted by stellabystarlight on November 1, 2008, at 19:56:11
> Jaymac,
>
> Sorry it's so difficult and painful...and no, you're not going nuts, although it sure feels like it at times.
>
> I'm sorry if you've already discussed this in your previous posts, but have you told your T about your intense feeling for her and how you want to hear her say she cares about you?
>
> Stellabystarlight
I mean have you discussed your feeling for her during sessions?
Posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 20:29:50
In reply to Re: My T's response to my........, posted by stellabystarlight on November 1, 2008, at 20:05:46
> > Jaymac,
> >
> > Sorry it's so difficult and painful...and no, you're not going nuts, although it sure feels like it at times.
> >
> > I'm sorry if you've already discussed this in your previous posts, but have you told your T about your intense feeling for her and how you want to hear her say she cares about you?
> >
> > Stellabystarlight
>
>
> I mean have you discussed your feeling for her during sessions?
>
>
I haven't really been THIS upset at her before. So, the short answer is no. In the past, I have conveyed to her that I felt angry and we explored where that was coming from. This situation is different because I know that some of what is happening is NOT simply transference.
She knows that I care for her. I've told her, she's mentioned it.
Before she sent that email, I called her voicemail, and asked that she call me back and tell me that she cares, that simple. I feel like her email response is an attempt to numb my pain. I feel like she's trying to put a blanket on a blazing fire.
Posted by happyflower on November 1, 2008, at 21:17:40
In reply to My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
I think the fact she read your emails and responding back shows she cares. Most T's either don't accept emails, and if they do it is rare to get a response back on the weekend. If she didn't care she would have ignored you. What she did is appropriate for a T to say and do.
Posted by stellabystarlight on November 1, 2008, at 23:56:56
In reply to Re: My T's response to my........ » stellabystarlight, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 20:29:50
Jay,
When I first began therapy with my T, there were times during sessions when I felt as if I were just going through the motions of doing therapy, but all I really wanted was for my T to tell me how much he cared about me. Much of what I said in the beginning of therapy was to connect with him, and "attach" him to me. I believed he could meet all of my needs and fill my emptiness with his caring and love. But I was too afraid to talk to him about it at the time because it would have been too painful and rejecting to hear him say "I don't care about you in the same way." I would get frustrated and angry with him for "withholding" love/caring from me when we were so close, and I was in constant pain. I didn't believe transference had much to do with my intense craving to be connected with him at all times. I wonder if this is what's going on with you Jay...
Looking back on it, I was attempting to replace my mother's lost love with his love...there's more to it than this simplistic explanation, but this was the core of why I craved his caring. And he told me he cared about me very early on, but it never seemed to be enough to fill the "hole" until much later when I actually felt his caring - when I trusted him enough to really open up my authentic self without trying to attach him to me. We've had many ups and downs, and the hole does seem smaller at times, but it's always there. However, I strongly feel that we're a good fit as a therapy pair, because he brings up so many intense feelings within me to work through. Perhaps these intense and painful feelings that we experience can be embraced as a chance to heal the past wounds.
I hope you don't feel like your feelings are minimized in anyway or you've done anything wrong, because I know how maddening it is to get a short "I'm sorry you're having a hard time" email from your T after you've poured your guts out. I know it hurts especially since you told her you wanted to hear her say she cares about you. I hope you can talk about this in a healing way with your T at your next session. Take care.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by antigua3 on November 2, 2008, at 8:43:13
In reply to My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
I'm sorry her reply hurt you. Many Ts are very careful about what they write in emails--legal reasons, maybe--and even my T will just write the shortest of replies. But she does call if I beg (not suggesting you beg, I do!), anytime, day or night. It may take her awhile to get back to me, but it's usually the same day.
Some Ts prefer if you bring the words into the session and not write them down beforehand (or sometimes they make you read them!). My pdoc wants me to bring these things into session so we can have a dialogue over them and it's not one sided. So, your T offering the extra session IS her way of showing she cares. Who knows? Maybe she thought if it was critical enough, you would be willing to change your own schedule to make it. (I'm not saying that's an option, but she may think it is, gauging by your angst.)
But her email clearly was not enough for you, and I'm sorry she hasn't called you.
I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry, and march right in there and speak your mind.
You're lucky that your T will say she cares. My T does, but I have to drag it out of my pdoc, which is not the best of situations. But that's my problem.
While you hurt so much, know that you're headed down the right path.
antigua
Posted by Maria01 on November 2, 2008, at 11:55:51
In reply to My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
I think your T does care; she may not voice it, but her ACTIONS toward you are caring. This may be one of those times where you might need to make a shift in how you see her caring in order to save yourself some angst.
An uncaring T would not respond to an email over the weekend, nor would they offer an earlier appointment. Whether or not you can make that appointment time may be a detail she may have forgotten..easy to do when there are other clients on her schedule for the week. Her expression of caring may not have come across in exactly the way you wanted it to(her verbalizing it to you), but it has come across. You posted that you've told her you don't need her to be perfect. I say cut the lady some slack just now; a lot of T's won't give lengthy responses to email, as Happyflower has said.
If anything, this looks like a good chance to learn to internalize different forms of caring and to not hold others to the "good enough" model.
Posted by JayMac on November 2, 2008, at 20:52:25
In reply to My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
Thank you for all your responses. It helps to hear other people's point of view.
I'll give an update later.
Posted by raisinb on November 3, 2008, at 9:33:25
In reply to My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:35:29
Hi Jay--
It sounds like for some reason, this issue about discussing psychological theories has opened up some profound feelings about your relationship with your therapist. Maybe in wondering about it, you suddenly realized that there was something you weren't getting from her that you need very much? Good luck in figuring it out and talking with her about it.I agree that she clearly cares, but may not want to open up a discussion over email. When my therapist and I have dealt with very sensitive issues in the past, she's refused to discuss them even on the phone. In a way, even though it seems rejecting now, it's ultimately a caring decision. She wants to make sure you and she are actually together before you open this up, which is more difficult for both of you, but better for you--and for the relationship--in the end.
Posted by JayMac on November 3, 2008, at 10:23:37
In reply to Re: My T's response to my........ » JayMac, posted by raisinb on November 3, 2008, at 9:33:25
Thanks Raisin,
I'm putting all the pieces together. I don't see her until Wednesday, but I've made some headway in terms of understanding the dynamic between us right now. Basically, I "get" what's going on. I'll have to elaborate later, but I don't hate/dislike her as much as 4 days ago. I know she cares. I have a hard time accepting that.
I'll post more later though.Thank you all!
Posted by Abby Cunningham on November 6, 2008, at 15:39:23
In reply to Re: My T's response to my........, posted by JayMac on November 1, 2008, at 19:44:10
I don't think you are going nuts.... I haven't posted much on this board, but I wanted to tell you my experience with emailing.
My psychiatrist, who was also once my therapist a couple years ago, told me the other day that she would not accept any more emails from me, and that if I sent her any she would delete them without reading them! How's that for being harsh?
Background info: she had taken emails for over a year and answered back; then one day after I started seeing a psychologist in this clinic, my pdoc told me that she wanted me to restrict my emails to medication issues only. Well after such a long time being allowed emails, I slipped and did not keep them to med. issues and she let me.......until the other day. I was a bit taken aback but did not argue the point ......why bother. But I am hurt and I intend to let her know when I see her again the end of this month.
I understand that I broke an agreement but my new psychologist does not do emails and only takes voice mail messages. I was so used to the privilege of emailing my pdoc that I guess I depended too much/took advantage of the privilege. Well she slammed me with that statement!
I am sorry this happened to you. I have also gotten the same statement "I'm sorry you are not feeling well" or to that effect. But I do think that my pdoc cared about me; not sure now!
It sounds as though yours does care. Let us know how things turn out.
Abby
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