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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on October 12, 2008, at 23:19:58
I just made a whole bunch of scrapes and cut marks on my arm. I don't know what to do. I just left message for my T. I emailed her asking for her to call me.
Posted by DAisym on October 12, 2008, at 23:29:44
In reply to I don't know what to do....please help, posted by JayMac on October 12, 2008, at 23:19:58
First,
You need to clean your wounds. Use soap and water and an antibacterial spray if you have it. This is really important if you hurt yourself with your fingernails.Second, you should try and sit and breathe and get calm. Why did you need to hurt yourself? What were you trying to show - and to whom? Did it give you the relief you needed? Are there other things that could give the same relief? Typically we resort to this kind of behavior when the world feels out of control or when the hurt inside is so bad we need it to be outside too. Try not to beat yourself up for this, just see if you can get to why this. And perhaps next time, it can be something less self-destructive. I beat nails into a piece of wood with a hammer. It is surprisingly calming.
I hope your therapist calls you back and you find some peace.
Posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 13:30:38
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do....please help, posted by DAisym on October 12, 2008, at 23:29:44
Thank you, Daisym.
I had a really bad argument with the guy I was seeing. We ended things last night. It was pretty much mutual. But I have to admit that I drove him away. We got close, I got scared, I started a few big arguments within the past week. I suddenly pulled myself away from him. He's gradually pulled himself away from me.I've consciously been testing him again and again and again. Although he's passed many of my tests, I still felt the need to test him even more and find his breaking point. He's not one to get really upset and raise his voice. Last night, he got really upset and raised his voice. I got upset, tried to remain calm. I had such intense anxiety. I didn't know what to do. His voice became background noise, I grabbed a pair of scissors and lightly brushed it against my arm. I decided it didn't hurt too, too much.
We ended our conversation, as well as our relationship. So I used the scissors again, this time, I pressed it into my arm. I made many, many scratch marks on my arm. I made them zig zagged to the left, right, horizontal, vertical, diagonal. At the time, I didn't think it looked that bad. A few minutes later, I looked at my arm, and felt an overwhelming sense of terror. I felt like I was in my own nightmare. But I didn't stop completely. I went back and made more marks. I wanted to see blood. I wanted to feel the pain and the sting.
The other night I gave him a huge list of why we/I shouldn't be seeing him/anyone. He acted as if it didn't matter. I saw/see him as wrapped up in the moment of a new relationship. I want a relationship, but I don't know if I can handle one right now. At first, it was so lovely spending time with him, but the anxiety started about forming a connection. I started arguing over the stupidest little things. I would apologize the next day, but I could still feel he was withdrawn. Then I would start another argument about how I didn't feel like we were/are a good match.
I have so much stress right now. Therapy has stirred up a whole lot!!! Plus, work has become excruciatingly stressful: the demand for performance is getting greater and greater as the economy falls. And then there's school: I just started grad school. Mid terms are coming, I feel ill prepared.
I feel so defeated. I feel so drained. I feel so horrified about what I did to myself. I've self harmed before, but they were places invisible to everyone. THIS IS VISIBLE! There's no hiding it. I want to cry right now. I want everyone to hear, see, know my pain. Up until last night, I pretty much had it together. It was like, all of a sudden, the pain exploded out of my body.
Thanks for asking.
Posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2008, at 13:44:02
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers! » DAisym, posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 13:30:38
I'm sorry not knowing your history do you have abandonment issues? Asking as I get hysterical when someone my husband even wants to leave the house. I'm afraid of what I could do. Phillipa and good that you have a T who cares
Posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 13:58:34
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers! » JayMac, posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2008, at 13:44:02
I have MAJOR abandonment issues. I have mommy abandonment issues. I basically grew up with a mom who never really met my emotionally needs. She had such deep emotional needs of her own, that she was never able to satisfy mine. I was my own parent. I really never learned how to regulate my emotions. I never learned how to self-soothe. A lot of the time, I can barely calm myself down. Slowly I'm learning. Sometimes I do it really, really well, so well that it seems like I don't have any problems. Other times, like last night, I had no idea what to do. I wanted to keep going and going and going. I was shaking soooo badly. I had a panic attack while I was cutting.
Yet, I feel like I more or less abandoned this guy. I'm so upset at myself for treating him like sh*t.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 13, 2008, at 14:00:20
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers! » JayMac, posted by Phillipa on October 13, 2008, at 13:44:02
I am so sorry. i don't know how to help, but I hope you have a good t......hope you will share this all with him.
I understand the "tests"----it's kind of like you hope to prove he (others) will abandon you, and so you keep pushing until they prove you right (as in, I knew they would leave me, all along).
Trying to fix the past, right?
As for the cutting; that must be horrific for you. Trying to stay out of pain, by feeling the pain.
Please share it all with your t, sweetie...and let us know how you are.
Love, Sassy
Posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 14:10:56
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers!, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 13, 2008, at 14:00:20
I was/am definitely trying to fix the past. The thing is that usually all of this is unconscious for the person doing it. But for me, it's sad because the whole process was conscious: I knew what I was doing and why. I knew I was testing him, I knew he would eventually want to stop talking to me, I knew I couldn't expect him to just take my crap as if it was nothing.
Thanks for caring.
Posted by lucie lu on October 13, 2008, at 21:35:02
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers! » DAisym, posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 13:30:38
Jay,
I think the important thing about cutting (yes, I had done it when I was in my teens) is to try to figure out what, besides pain relief, the gesture is really saying. There are lots of motives and possible meanings. As Daisy suggests, it is useful to try to identify these feelings that are so hard to put into words that they were expressed in this way.
I could be way off-base, Jay, but somehow I sense that what happened with your BF and what you've been feeling about your T may be interconnected in some way. There seem to be common themes of wanting connection and fearing abandonment in your relationships with these people in your life. You said in your previous post that you would rather be alone than risk the pain of abandoning or being abandoned. And now you face taking such a risk with your T, and it's really confusing and terribly painful for you. Your cutting yourself may have made several statements, possibly including an unconscious commmunication to your T/mother, "see what you made me do (by not being here for me)" as well as anger turned inwards. I am sure there are others, and it may take you time to identify the underlying feelings. But I do think you really need to try to find out what the powerful feelings were beneath the behavior.
In the meantime, as Daisy said, clean the wounds, physically and metaphorically. There isn't much point in agonizing over what you did, take care of yourself and try to do calming things. Hammering a nail sounds good, pounding pillows, exercise, whatever helps. I hope you are able to talk to your T soon about this and how tough the past few days have been for you.
(((((((((((((((Jay))))))))))))))))))
Love, Lucie
Posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 20:12:13
In reply to Re:....please help: Triggers!, posted by lucie lu on October 13, 2008, at 21:35:02
> I think the important thing about cutting (yes, I had done it when I was in my teens) is to try to figure out what, besides pain relief, the gesture is really saying. There are lots of motives and possible meanings.
I'm in the middle of figuring it all out.
> I could be way off-base, Jay, but somehow I sense that what happened with your BF and what you've been feeling about your T may be interconnected in some way.
You definitely hit the mark! I am/was trying to demonstrate how hurt I am and that I want them to notice.
With regard to the guy I was seeing, I kept trying to push him away. He was patient. But I kept going and going and going. I wanted to drive him away. Then, once I realized that I really did drive him away, and he didn't want to see me anymore, that's when I when into panic mode. That's when I decided to cut.
When we first started seeing each other, he kept going on about making plans for the future and all that romantic type stuff. I got scared. I started scaring him off by telling him that I had way too many issues and I wouldn't be able to handle a relationship, nor would he be able to handle me (as I have in the past).
I basically wanted to confirm my childhood belief: I am not loveable, no one will ever want me, nor should any one want me, my needs are too great for anyone to handle, and I am simply too much for anyone to handle. It's interesting because I was totally aware that I was driving him away. I was totally aware that he would want to leave me. In the end, I was the one to call it quits. But, he did not hesitate to suggest that maybe we are not the best fit. I was the one to put that into his head though. When he verbalized that he was having second thoughts, I started apologizing for my behavior, so that I could get him to stay. But when I realized that he was upset, I told him we were done.My T pointed out how it relates to my childhood and my mom. She also said that I've done it with her as well. In a few subtle, and this time, not so subtle ways, I've let her know that I didn't think she could handle me.
>Your cutting yourself may have made several statements, possibly including an unconscious commmunication to your T/mother, "see what you made me do (by not being here for me)" as well as anger turned inwards.
It was an act rooted towards showing my mom that I am/was in pain. I'm pretty sure I was neglected when I was little.
>I am sure there are others, and it may take you time to identify the underlying feelings. But I do think you really need to try to find out what the powerful feelings were beneath the behavior.
Yes!!! There are many, many underlying feelings, meanings, reasons for why I did what I did. I'm trying to figure it all out with my T. I'm sure I could write about some of it now, but I'm still in the middle of understanding.
You were/are totally dead on Lucie. I feel like you really GET me. Not too many people can understand and empathsize as much as you, and others here on babble, can. Thank you for your support. Even though this is an online, community, it's a community nevertheless.
Thank you for posting!
Thank you for the hugs.
Thank you for the love!!!
Posted by lucie lu on October 14, 2008, at 21:09:53
In reply to Re:....please help: Update » lucie lu, posted by JayMac on October 14, 2008, at 20:12:13
Posted by JayMac on October 16, 2008, at 21:00:58
In reply to I don't know what to do....please help, posted by JayMac on October 12, 2008, at 23:19:58
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVING SUPPORT!!!! It makes a huge difference!!!!! Even if you didn't respond to my post, I'm glad you read it.
=)
Peace, Love, Hugs!
This is the end of the thread.
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