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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
I just started going to another women's support group that my T (and my old T - they work together, which is truly comforting for me!) are running. The basis of the group is the book "Circle of Stones". The premise of the book is to wonder how our lives would be different if we had been brought up in a totally nurturing environment, with generations of maternal family experience and wisdom to guide us in our journeys.
To say that I had a chip on my shoulder at this thought is an understatement. "That's not at all what MY reality was," I was thinking to myself. My mom was distant and emotionally absent, and I got no wisdom or nurturing from her or any other female family members growing up. We're all estranged from each other, and instead I am usually full of resentment at what I imagine I've missed out on - compared to whom, I'm not exactly certain, since I don't have any real life role models to look to.
But yesterday in therapy I was talking about how I felt all whiny in the first group meeting, and how I didn't feel like I was getting it, but was just feeling sorry for my past and my situation still with my mother. And then I started to talk about how much I loved, just absolutely LOVED, every single one of my teachers, all the way through primary school, up to about halfway through high school. I felt affection, support, validation, encouragement, and yes, even love from each one of them. And my T pointed out that each of those teachers was able in their own way to take on the role of that nurturing mother - even to the point, in one case, of making a couple of home visits (T thinks the teacher probably had some serious concerns about my home situation and wanted to see for herself what was going on).
Again, I'm back to reframing. To be able to see the love and support that I got from those wonderful teachers as substitutes for what I wish I had been able to get from my mother just shifted my reality to this healthier place for me. I'm not feeling like this deserted, emotionally starved little girl, but someone who was able to find what she so badly needed from other people - they were able to fill that role for me.
It was so cool.
Posted by JayJ on October 1, 2008, at 9:33:36
In reply to I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
That's really wonderful and an inspiring story for me personally. I am so happy for you. I hope your skies will be less cloudy from here on :)JayJ
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 11:52:24
In reply to I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
WOW, PC, I am happy for you, to know this. But what is kinda freaky for me since you have been posting more, is that is seems like the stuff you have written, seems like it is a biography of my life.
I remember feeling so bad for the last day of school because I knew it was goodbye to that certain teacher each year. It was a cycle that didn't get easier either, it just continued. I know for me teachers made a huge difference in my life, not just scholastically, but emotionally., but letting go at the end was so hard. I hated summer vacation.
My first T told my of this long study of predictions of 4th grade teachers, rating whether certain kids would be successful or not. Well their results were amazing, they were almost 100% right in their predictions. But the cases where they were wrong were children who (like us had bad homes) but still became successful in life. But the reason was because of the caring and love they received from teachers.
I think it takes away some of the anger of not having a good parent, knowing someone cared about us. PC you are doing a great job right now in therapy, please keep posting. ;-)
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 11:59:17
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » Partlycloudy, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 11:52:24
I like the way that you and I are now able to connect :-) Maybe our stories were too similar and that's what caused some of our friction in the past? Something to consider, anyways.
It's still not always easy for me to post, just just here but in general. But I'll keep trying to find my voice, and also writing about my therapy journey. When I was in the midst of my appointment yesterday, I stopped and said to my T - "can I just hand you your fee right now?" She got a laugh out of that.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 11:59:50
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by JayJ on October 1, 2008, at 9:33:36
Thanks. The weather continues to be mixed...
Posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 12:41:05
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » lemonaide, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 11:59:17
> I like the way that you and I are now able to connect :-) Maybe our stories were too similar and that's what caused some of our friction in the past?
I am not sure, really, but this is much better. All I know is that I don't think I ever heard your story till now, and it weird how it is so alike in ways. I think we are around the same age too. Who knows, but it is nice.
Something to consider, anyways.
> It's still not always easy for me to post, just just here but in general. But I'll keep trying to find my voice, and also writing about my therapy journey. When I was in the midst of my appointment yesterday, I stopped and said to my T - "can I just hand you your fee right now?" She got a laugh out of that.That is a good one! If it helps to know others are helped by your words. It also helps us to tell I think.
Posted by Tabitha on October 1, 2008, at 13:05:03
In reply to I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
Hi PC, that story reminds me of a wonderful book "Animal Dreams". Discovering the nurturing in an otherwise bad childhood was one of the themes. Just thought I'd mention this as you might enjoy this one if you like novels.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 1, 2008, at 13:18:40
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » Partlycloudy, posted by Tabitha on October 1, 2008, at 13:05:03
That is wonderful. I had a 3rd grade teacher, who just turned 96!!! She played piano for silent films....how amazing.
She knew I loved ballet, dancing and singing, and used to let me visit her house and look at her daughter's costumes.......
A t told me that my "friends had become my family." I figure family----people who love and care for you; if we cannot find it from (blood) relatives, then we get it where we can
I vowed to be the parent I wish I had had. I did.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 13:47:36
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 1, 2008, at 13:18:40
> That is wonderful. I had a 3rd grade teacher, who just turned 96!!! She played piano for silent films....how amazing.
That is amazing. My piano teacher used to bribe me with chocolate candies to STOP playing, I was so awful! To be fair, I was the last of the 4 kids she would teach in turn, so I think she was just anxious to get the evening over with by the time she got to me. She knew there was a cup of tea waiting for her at the end of the ordeal if she could only hurry me along.
>
> She knew I loved ballet, dancing and singing, and used to let me visit her house and look at her daughter's costumes.......My ballet teacher was Miss Betty. She didn't have a last name that I knew of! She was always pushing me to reach beyond my comfort zone, and she was one of my most stalwart supporters when I was quite young.
>
> A t told me that my "friends had become my family." I figure family----people who love and care for you; if we cannot find it from (blood) relatives, then we get it where we can
>
> I vowed to be the parent I wish I had had. I did.
>
> Hugs, SassyYeah, well I (and my sister) decided to skip having children of our own. Though I had the opportunity to attempt some belated parenting skills with my grown up step daughter these past few months. My heart still aches.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 13:48:21
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » Partlycloudy, posted by Tabitha on October 1, 2008, at 13:05:03
> Hi PC, that story reminds me of a wonderful book "Animal Dreams". Discovering the nurturing in an otherwise bad childhood was one of the themes. Just thought I'd mention this as you might enjoy this one if you like novels.
I'm pretty sure that one's hiding on my bookshelf - I should rediscover it. Thanks!
Posted by antigua3 on October 1, 2008, at 15:38:14
In reply to I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
I haven't read all the responses yet, but I was so surprised by your post, because this is what we talked about in therapy this morning. How I had one teacher in H.S. who really took me under her wing and supported me, and helped me get into college when nobody at home was even interested. My mother wasn't in the picture at all, and I had a step-mother at the time who favored her own kids hugely and left me out.
But I remembered that teacher today and what she did for me--taking me to restaurants and opening up the world to me, and inviting me into her own home. She, too, once tried to meet my father and step-mother, but I raced to her car and wouldn't let her come in. I'm sure my father was drinking and I didn't want her to see that. She was just a wonderful, nurturing mother-type figure and I had kind of forgotten how much she had given me.
She died when I was out in graduate school and I never had a chance to thank her. Today I really wished that I still had that opportunity. During a truly terrible time of my life she was there. I didn't share my home story too much as I recall, the focus was more on opening up my world to see that a whole place was out there and I wasn't going to be stuck in the hateful place I was forever.
So thank you for bringing this up. Especially today.
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2008, at 19:00:11
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » Partlycloudy, posted by antigua3 on October 1, 2008, at 15:38:14
I just assumed all families were distant and never got hugged or kissed and I never had a favorite teacher except a male one. Hence I guess why I like men older ones especially. Phillipa
Posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 21:22:49
In reply to I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
PC, your post was beautiful. What a valuable insight, that there were riches in your past among all the less-than-wonderful things. I have a friend who taught elementary school for four decades. She has taught the parents of her students. She was very successful and when she retired it was a big deal to the community. Over the summer, we had some friends over and they brought their 20-something son "Joe" with them. At dinner, my friend's name came up because she had been Joe's teacher and she had really changed his life. She lives nearby so I gave her a call, and even though she was on her way out, she wanted to see Joe. Although she had taught probably close to 1,000 kids over the years, she remembered everything about Joe. That tells you how important kids are to teachers. I would bet that the teachers who meant so much to you remember you too. Connections between students and teachers are very deep and meaningful, and I'm very glad to know that you've been in touch with yours.
Best, Lucie
Posted by lucie lu on October 2, 2008, at 2:52:45
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 21:22:49
I forgot to add that Joe went right over to see her, and came back really touched and happy that he'd made an impact on her. She spent a good half hour with him despite him. She told me afterwards that she enjoyed it as much as he did.
Have you tried getting back in touch with any of these wonderful teachers? I would put money on it that the would absolutely love to hear from you. That would reinforce your feelings of being well-nurtured which is nice to hold onto.
- Lucie
> PC, your post was beautiful. What a valuable insight, that there were riches in your past among all the less-than-wonderful things. I have a friend who taught elementary school for four decades. She has taught the parents of her students. She was very successful and when she retired it was a big deal to the community. Over the summer, we had some friends over and they brought their 20-something son "Joe" with them. At dinner, my friend's name came up because she had been Joe's teacher and she had really changed his life. She lives nearby so I gave her a call, and even though she was on her way out, she wanted to see Joe. Although she had taught probably close to 1,000 kids over the years, she remembered everything about Joe. That tells you how important kids are to teachers. I would bet that the teachers who meant so much to you remember you too. Connections between students and teachers are very deep and meaningful, and I'm very glad to know that you've been in touch with yours.
>
> Best, Lucie
Posted by seldomseen on October 2, 2008, at 6:19:13
In reply to I had an Aha! moment yesterday, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 7:55:13
I wonder if teachers know exactly how much impact they can have on their student's lives.
I had some spectacular teachers - and some that were significantly less so.
I'm glad you were able to re-connect with some very positive experiences from your childhood and re-experience that nurturing, loving feeling. It can be so warm and sustaining - even years later.
Take care and thanks for sharing your Aha! It helped me to touch some of mine as well.
Seldom.
Posted by antigua3 on October 2, 2008, at 6:53:14
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » Partlycloudy, posted by lemonaide on October 1, 2008, at 11:52:24
Hmm. interestng study. The only teacher I remember not being supportive or especially kind was my 4th grade teacher. i didn't like her and she didn't seem to like me. I remember being quite crushed because I was so ingratiating that teachers seemed to always like me.
Of course, in retrospect, my parents were getting divorced that year and I probably needed something from that teacher that I hadn't gotten in earlier or later years from teachers. But I do remember her, unfortunately.
antigua
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 2, 2008, at 7:24:34
In reply to p.s. » lucie lu, posted by lucie lu on October 2, 2008, at 2:52:45
> I forgot to add that Joe went right over to see her, and came back really touched and happy that he'd made an impact on her. She spent a good half hour with him despite him. She told me afterwards that she enjoyed it as much as he did.
>
> Have you tried getting back in touch with any of these wonderful teachers? I would put money on it that the would absolutely love to hear from you. That would reinforce your feelings of being well-nurtured which is nice to hold onto.
>
> - LucieOnce when I went back home for a visit I saw that my fourth-grade teacher was working in a record store. I was filled with panic - he had been a strict disciplinarian, but also affectionate, and had done some after school tutoring of a couple of us students for French language skills, which weren't part of the school's program at that time. I had moved from Quebec the previous school year, and was quickly losing what vocabulary I had learned to that point because the province we had moved to didn't have teaching French as part of the curriculum until high school - by which time I would have probably lost most of my language skills. This teacher really gave me a huge gift (and told me that I was special in having the knowledge that I came to the class with - something that nobody else had ever done before).
I screwed up my courage to approach my old teacher in the store - it had been over 25 years since he'd laid eyes on me. He knew *exactly* who I was, what my story had been, and was clearly pleased to have been recognized.
Another time (in the same store, actually!), I recognized the last name on an employee's tag, and discovered that he was the brother of my favorite music teacher in senior public school. He said that people were constantly telling him how much they loved his brother (that must have been a tough gig for him!).
>
> > PC, your post was beautiful. What a valuable insight, that there were riches in your past among all the less-than-wonderful things. I have a friend who taught elementary school for four decades. She has taught the parents of her students. She was very successful and when she retired it was a big deal to the community. Over the summer, we had some friends over and they brought their 20-something son "Joe" with them. At dinner, my friend's name came up because she had been Joe's teacher and she had really changed his life. She lives nearby so I gave her a call, and even though she was on her way out, she wanted to see Joe. Although she had taught probably close to 1,000 kids over the years, she remembered everything about Joe. That tells you how important kids are to teachers. I would bet that the teachers who meant so much to you remember you too. Connections between students and teachers are very deep and meaningful, and I'm very glad to know that you've been in touch with yours.
> >
> > Best, Lucie
>
>
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 2, 2008, at 8:03:32
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » sassyfrancesca, posted by Partlycloudy on October 1, 2008, at 13:47:36
Hey, sweetie: I will be your (surrogate) mom!
Hugs n Love Sassy
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 2, 2008, at 8:16:21
In reply to Re: I had an Aha! moment yesterday » Partlycloudy, posted by sassyfrancesca on October 2, 2008, at 8:03:32
> Hey, sweetie: I will be your (surrogate) mom!
>
> Hugs n Love SassyWhere do I sign the adoption papers??!!!
Sassy PartlyCloudy
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