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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 17:43:50
I need your advice.
I have severe fear of visiting my Mother at her grave. I haven't been able to bring myself to go. Although loving at times, my relationship with her was mostly painful due to abandonment.
I'm afraid the massive pain I'll feel at her grave will cripple me, but I want to see her so badly. I miss her.
It would be so nice if I could take her a beautiful bouquet of flowers, her favorite foods, and play her favorite music while I just spend some time with her. I know this would make her very happy. I have forgiven her and I love my Mom, but I'm so afraid.
I think that I could go if my therapist went with me, and of course I would pay him for his time.
I know I should talk to him, but do you think this is an unreasonable request to a therapist? I would appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.
Posted by JayMac on September 12, 2008, at 18:27:53
In reply to Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 17:43:50
> I need your advice.
>
> I have severe fear of visiting my Mother at her grave. I haven't been able to bring myself to go. Although loving at times, my relationship with her was mostly painful due to abandonment.
>
> I'm afraid the massive pain I'll feel at her grave will cripple me, but I want to see her so badly. I miss her.
>
> It would be so nice if I could take her a beautiful bouquet of flowers, her favorite foods, and play her favorite music while I just spend some time with her. I know this would make her very happy. I have forgiven her and I love my Mom, but I'm so afraid.
>
> I think that I could go if my therapist went with me, and of course I would pay him for his time.
> I know I should talk to him, but do you think this is an unreasonable request to a therapist? I would appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks.
>
>Stella Star,
I think it's GREAT that you want to visit your mom's grave! That's wonderful! Bringing her flowers and playing music for her: that's very touching =)Whether or not you T goes with you? I don't know. But I do know that there are things you two could do together to *prepare* you for whatever you may feel while visiting her grave, for example guided imagery. Maybe you could schedule a session within hours of visiting her gave.
Speak with your T. I'm sure he will be able to come up with some way to help alleviate some of the pain associated with the visit. It may take days, weeks, or months to work up the courage to visit her, but I'm sure your T would love to help you!
How you previously spoken about visiting your mom's grave with your T?
Hugs to you!
Take Care,
Jay
Posted by Phillipa on September 12, 2008, at 20:07:44
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by JayMac on September 12, 2008, at 18:27:53
Mine is buried in a different state I think never found it when first husband took me there so can never visit it. You're lucky to be able to do it. Love Phillipa
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 21:54:30
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by JayMac on September 12, 2008, at 18:27:53
Hi JayMac,
No, I haven't talked to him about visiting my mom's grave yet. We've been mostly revisiting and sorting through my childhood, and there's a lot to sort through.
I remember wanting to ask him to accompany me to see my mom shortly after I met him, but more as a professional. Now, I want him there with me because I trust him to catch me if I were to fall. He's been so supportive and warm lately. He actually said that he wanted to buy a blanket for the office so I wouldn't have to trouble myself by bringing one. I was very moved by his thoughtfulness.
I think guided imagery and seeing him right after visiting my mom is a great idea. That would help me alleviate some of the pain associated with the visit. Still, I would prefer him to go with me, but maybe that's just too much to ask.
Maybe, I'll first ask him to guide me through the visit in his office, and see how that goes before asking him to spend a whole day with me! My mom's grave is sort of a long drive from where I am, but I wasn't going to mention that small matter until he agreed to accompanying me...LOL. Yeah, it's probably an unreasonable request, but it would be interesting to see his reaction.
BTW, I wanted to reply to your "How do you ask for help" post and give you support, but couldn't put together a coherent sentence at the time. How are you doing? You work and go to school full time, right? I know that's tough.
Thanks for the hugs!
Stellabystarlight
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 22:01:15
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by Phillipa on September 12, 2008, at 20:07:44
Hope you're feeling better, Phillipa. Thanks for reminding me that I'm lucky to be able to visit my mom. It's good to see the glass half full. I'm sorry you can't visit your mom.Take care,
stellabystarlight
Posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 11:39:55
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave » JayMac, posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 21:54:30
> Hi JayMac,
> I remember wanting to ask him to accompany me to see my mom shortly after I met him, but more as a professional. Now, I want him there with me because I trust him to catch me if I were to fall.
Let me ask you this: When you are away from your T, do you *feel* him inside you? Can you feel his comfort without him physically present?
> He's been so supportive and warm lately. He actually said that he wanted to buy a blanket for the office so I wouldn't have to trouble myself by bringing one. I was very moved by his thoughtfulness.
Very thoughtful!!
> Maybe, I'll first ask him to guide me through the visit in his office, and see how that goes before asking him to spend a whole day with me!
Sounds like a great idea =)
> BTW, I wanted to reply to your "How do you ask for help" post and give you support, but couldn't put together a coherent sentence at the time. How are you doing? You work and go to school full time, right? I know that's tough.
I am doing much better, thank you for asking!! I haven't spoken with my family yet, but I figured out another way to get some extra financial support without taking on another obligation (aka, getting a 2nd job). I do work full time and I just started grad school, full time as well. So far, I'm ok. I've mostly been stressed out by all the money issues surrounding me.
Peace,
Jay
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 13, 2008, at 14:46:54
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by JayMac on September 13, 2008, at 11:39:55
> Let me ask you this: When you are away from your T, do you *feel* him inside you? Can you feel his comfort without him physically present?
Hi Jay,Yes, more and more. I began to notice him inside me when I realized that he does care about me in many ways. It feels like a warm sun inside my heart, especially after a satisfying session. I would not have believed this could happen in therapy if I didn't experience it myself.
I'm so glad you found a way to get financial support! I really felt your pain in your post...I've been thinking/concerned about your dillemma from time to time. Thanks for helping me with my issues when your plate is so full.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 15, 2008, at 7:46:47
In reply to Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 17:43:50
I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask a t to accompany you on a painful journey.
That is what they are there for, right?
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 15, 2008, at 19:14:49
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by sassyfrancesca on September 15, 2008, at 7:46:47
> I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask a t to accompany you on a painful journey.
> That is what they are there for, right?
> Hugs, Sassy
Hi Sassy,I like the way you put visiting my mom as "a painful journey". I'll use your eloquent words when I talk to him about it. Hope your insurance/financial situation with your T is getting worked out. Thanks for the reply.
:) Stellabystarlight
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 16, 2008, at 9:32:16
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave » sassyfrancesca, posted by stellabystarlight on September 15, 2008, at 19:14:49
Posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 11:15:09
In reply to Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by stellabystarlight on September 12, 2008, at 17:43:50
I think that if you really want your T to come with you to visit the grave that that is NOT an unreasonable request. I know that with my T, he works outside the box...and I have been to the grocery store with him, I have been to the mall with him and to get my hair done (all therapeutic activites..) we didnt just go just to hang out with each other..it all dealt with issues I was having...BUT, my point is, if you are dealing with these issues in therapy, and you need his/her support while visiting, I say go for it and ask. All he/she can do is say no. Your T could make your visit even more powerful.
I know that my T went to a funeral for one of his other patients..and he accompanied me when I went to rehab...
they will do things outside of the office. You just have to ask.
Goodluck!! :)
Posted by stellabystarlight on September 17, 2008, at 21:53:30
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave, posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 11:15:09
Hi Amanda,
It's great that your T is so open to helping you outside the office. You took him to get your hair done?...lol...wow, he does think outside the box!
BTW, did you pay his usual hourly fee for outside time, including travel? This is going to cost me a fortune as my mom's grave is quite a long drive. It would be worth it though. I hope he'll agree to it. I think it'll hurt me if he says no. Sigh...
Let me know about the outside fee when you get a chance. Thanks.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by Amanda29 on September 17, 2008, at 21:59:37
In reply to Re: Want to ask T to accompany me to Mom's grave » Amanda29, posted by stellabystarlight on September 17, 2008, at 21:53:30
Hey, yeah the hair thing was great...and ..(the mall, I got a make over...)...it was all to help my self esteem and to improve my self image...so that I would feel better about myself. AND, he told me that if I kept my hair up...(I got it highlighted...he would cut my therapy fee in half when I went...which is every 3 months...SO...I am doing my best!
As for the fee...he DIDNT CHARGE!!! :) (he is a great T) I would have paid more if he wanted me to, but he has never charged me...which I am very grateful for because I know not every T woudl be like that.
Good luck to you. If your T says no to going with you, don't worry, That will be too bad, but look at it as a growth opportunity. Then you can go back to him/her and report how well you did without their assistance! just a thought.
Take care.
A
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