![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 17:52:39
So therapy last time was really good I guess. We have determined I am 'growing up' and that there is a teenager part of me that is starting to show more and more in therapy, although the little girl is still there too. This is a good thing, my T says, because it means I'm becoming more solid in myself. It's also changing the dynamic between us in ways I find uncomfortable. I feel like I'm pushing him away all the time. I told him that and he said he thought we were talking about the same thing but with different words. He says he's noticed lately that I'll say, "No, that's not it," when he says something that's not right rather than pausing and considering and wavering like I did before. That's one reason he thinks I'm growing up. But it's hard for me because then I get down on myself for being a b*tch and that it's wrong to say that, etc.
He was really reassuring and he said, "I welcome you growing up." We were talking about him having been gone on vacation and I said that I was glad he came back. I also said I felt bad that I was always pushing him away all the time because at the same time I wanted to be special and that felt like it was bad that this was so important to me. He said, "Well, but you love me. And I love you. So of course it's important. I'm the first person that you've felt this way about that has consistently been nice to you. So of course you don't want to lose that - who would?" And he said some more stuff I don't remember.
I was still worried that it was wrong to want to be special and he said, "I know you want to feel special. I know. That's one thing about this - it's not conditional. You don't have to act a certain way in here or say certain things or try to make me happy. You can be however you want. It's ok to be a teenager in here with me. You can get angry in here. The worst that's going to happen is you'll hurt my feelings, and that'll last seconds at the most because I know where you're coming from and I'll understand that. You could even say, "I know that this isn't even what I'm feeling, but I hate it when you...' and that would be fine. They call it acting out - you can act out in here, it's ok to act out with me sunnydays."
So it was a very nice session, although kind of painful too. I just am so hard on myself. It's my last week of 'break' and I've been doing nothing even though there's stuff I should do. I keep getting down on myself and feeling lazy and stuff and can't let myself relax for a few days so I wrote my t an email. He said, "Glad you clued me in." I don't know what that means exactly, and some part of me keeps saying that he's not glad, he hates me, etc.
I just want to be a good person. Anyone have any ideas on how to allow myself to just be and not criticize myself so much? Also, what exactly do T's mean by 'acting out'? Sounds bad to me... Or any other responses? I wish I could see my t sooner.
sunnydays
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 25, 2008, at 18:14:22
In reply to therapy lately, posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 17:52:39
Hi Sunny,
funny... your T must be hanging out with my T!My T said to me at the end of last session "you know, llurpsie, it's okay to be mad at me"
Frequently, he has referred to my behavior as "acting out". For example, when I am overly vindictive, or when I cut myself. These types of things. I guess it's just a way of saying that I make my inner conflicts more visible, and perhaps that I influence those around me in a negative manner.
He also says "well, cut it out!" a lot. Like when I complain that I eat too much. "Well, cut it out!" I protest mightily, and then we both end up laughing. Similar response when I told him that I cut myself. Well, his first response is "why do you do that" and then I tell him blah blah blah, and then we discuss it to death, and then he says, "well, cut it out!". I confront him about this statement by saying that it is such a typical male response. He just nods and smiles.
hmmm
sounds like you're moving along, and No, I don't think it's wrong to want to be special. That kind of unconditional positive regard remains even when we tell our T's that we don't WANT to do something, in a rebellious teenage nagging voice (I'm speaking from my own experience, btw, not referring to your own style of communicating adolescence). Our T's won't give us a CLUE how we're *supposed* to act, because whatever we do is "grist for the mill" My T has a lot of canned phrases. Which I tease him about mercilessly.
Sorry, I got carried away.
I'm impressed by you
-Ll
Posted by susan47 on August 25, 2008, at 18:33:16
In reply to therapy lately, posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 17:52:39
Your therapist, excuse me but your therapist is brilliant.
If I had your therapist when I needed him, I would not be where I am today. (And if I hadn't messed up so badly, he might have been a nicer person. Or maybe not. Maybe he's the one who messed up badly.)
Sometimes things just are what they are, and somehow we have to survive another day.
You are a lucky girl, sunnydays. I wish you more healing, more growing, more joy.
Susan47
Posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 19:51:26
In reply to Re: therapy lately » sunnydays, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 25, 2008, at 18:14:22
I hate phrases I can tell are canned. I like it when he makes them personal for me, though. I like it when he talks about me and says nice things, although I have a really hard time acknowledging that I like it. And I must admit my first thought when you said you were impressed by me was - "What could she possibly be impressed by?". I'm not fishing for compliments, I just don't get it. I feel like such a failure so much of the time. My other complaint is that there's *never* enough time in session. I have to only see him once a week now due to money issues (there's no other option, we've talked about it, I've explored various things, I just can't do it right now), and I really dislike it compared to twice a week. Oh well. I'm trying to hang onto the good feelings from session and not let myself get too cynical, but it's not easy. Oh well again.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 19:54:43
In reply to Re: therapy lately » sunnydays, posted by susan47 on August 25, 2008, at 18:33:16
Thanks susan. I'm not quite sure why you think he's brilliant, but I definitely agree that he's pretty special! I'm not sure I would go with brilliant at the moment, but that's the teenager in me talking... But he is extremely nice, and reasonably consistent, and I can't value that enough.
sunnydays
Posted by nebulae on August 25, 2008, at 20:34:56
In reply to therapy lately, posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 17:52:39
His positive regard for me is conditional. Every time i rebel to that, he says, Well, you want unconditional love because you never had it (true, my parents sucked). And he never ever told me that he loves me. Maybe he just doesn't? Maybe that's why our therapy got to the termination point.
So, hold on to this guy of yours.
Posted by lemonaide on August 25, 2008, at 22:03:32
In reply to therapy lately, posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 17:52:39
Hi Sunnydays,
Sounds like you are progressing wonderfully and your T seems to be a great match for you. I think I am also in my "teenage stage", and my T has said a lot of what your has, that it is okay to get mad at him, in fact he would prefer it because it is hard for me to feel those feelings without being in the middle of them.
It is great you feel you are progressing, but don't beat yourself up if you for some reason you retreat back to being a little kid a bit along the way. Sometimes we just need to I think, before we are firmly in the teenage years and on to adult years.
Keep up the great work!
Posted by susan47 on August 26, 2008, at 11:39:18
In reply to Re: therapy lately » susan47, posted by sunnydays on August 25, 2008, at 19:54:43
He's brilliant precisely because he acknowledges that you and he love each other, and that this love is the basis of your relationship. This love is your work.
Posted by susan47 on August 26, 2008, at 11:41:35
In reply to My therapist told me that it is conditional., posted by nebulae on August 25, 2008, at 20:34:56
Absolutely, she needs to hold onto him. He's valuable in the field. I think she should show him these posts. I think he should know he has things he can teach other therapists.
Therapists do so much damage with their own erotic counter-transference; their own egos and expectations look us in the eye and we are supposed to be immune.
Somehow, we crumble and then we are kicked for crumbling.
Posted by susan47 on August 26, 2008, at 12:03:54
In reply to Re: therapy lately » sunnydays, posted by susan47 on August 26, 2008, at 11:39:18
AND it sounds so far like he isn't having any erotic counter-transference, and he's not afraid of the love. Maybe he recognizes love for the force of strength, and healing, that it really is. In any case, he's not afraid to be the master of it. Or for you to be the master, either. Both of you will learn to flow into it naturally and you'll learn to trust, you'll learn what love really is and you'll be feeling it for yourself and your life will change.
Keep him as long as this goal is being attained in some form.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.