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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by nebulae on August 22, 2008, at 23:46:40
I feel numb. I am not even angry. The world is crashing for me. I trusted him so much. He was the one who taught me to trust. How can he just give up on me. How can he be so cold and uncaring. He is betraying me.
Posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 9:03:11
In reply to Still in shock over termination., posted by nebulae on August 22, 2008, at 23:46:40
I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like a sudden, powerful emotional response on his part to your own outburst over the phone. It's especially sad because it sounds like your work together was very worthwhile- you got on really well and were able to make important changes.
I guess you could say that this comes under "rupture and repair";the question is; can you repair it? According to the research I mentioned above, you will need to do some "coaxing" - taking full responsibility for what you said, not blaming him for his reaction to your words, emphasizing how much working with him has meant to you, giving him a sense of how you intend to avoid repeating this kind of episode in the future. I think all of us can learn from what happened to you that, while we can and should say anything about our own feelings, fantasies, wishes and thoughts, we can't directly threaten our therapists. Some therapists who work with extremely disturbed patients, such as schizophrenics, become very skilled at dealing with threats, but many others aren't skilled at this. Because you don't fall into that category, he was probably not expecting you to leave the kind of message you did. I hope you can repair this. It sounds like it's a relationship very worth saving!
Posted by Dinah on August 23, 2008, at 9:30:58
In reply to Still in shock over termination., posted by nebulae on August 22, 2008, at 23:46:40
I can't imagine...
My therapist has said he would never terminate anyone without warnings and trying to work things out. Does your therapist acknowledge that he's never talked to you about any of this? Or explained why he feels it necessary to terminate you without discussing it first? If I remember correctly, he later brought up a number of issues he'd had all along?
If I also remember correctly, you say you didn't say anything threatening to your therapist's spouse in that phone call. But I suppose it is possible that intense anger expressed because of seeing his wife *felt* threatening to him. Did he clarify this any?
It takes two to work on a relationship. If he truly isn't willing to work on it, even if you do the sort of rupture repair that Twinleaf suggests on your side, it might be best to find another therapist. Although I recognize that that's like saying you need to find another mother or another spouse. It will be a grieving process for losing an important person in your life.
Posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 10:59:15
In reply to Still in shock over termination., posted by nebulae on August 22, 2008, at 23:46:40
Dinah made some excellent points. It certainly does take two. If you decide that you want to try to repair the relationship, I think it's a good idea to be relatively calm and reasonable, the way Stella was. If both of you are feeling extremes of emotion- you rage at being abandoned so suddenly, him, rage at what he perceived, rightly or not, as some type of threat, you are both at an impasse. But if you do make the reparative gestures that I mentioned, you should reasonably expect some reciprocal gestures on his part- appreciation for your sense of responsibility, awareness of how much you value the relationship with him, awareness of the growth and gains you have made, a sense of hopefulness about your future work together. If you can stay relatively calm and rational, it will give him the best chance of getting back to a good working alliance with you. If he doesn't do his part, after you have done your best, then you do need to think about a change. But here also, he has responsibilities. He should give you the names of several good therapists, and offer support (i.e. regular sessions) as you interview the new therapists and choose one. I am not sure about this, but I think these standards have become legal regulations in some states. They are definitely considered standard ethical procedures among therapists.
Posted by stellabystarlight on August 23, 2008, at 11:04:34
In reply to Still in shock over termination., posted by nebulae on August 22, 2008, at 23:46:40
Hi Nebulae,I'm sorry...sounds like your last meeting didn't go over very well. I was hoping your therapist could rise above the negative transference/countertransference to repair your therapeutic relationship.
I agree with Twinleaf's post and can't articulate it any better.
The "coaxing" worked for me and I was able to save my therapeutic relationship, but maybe my therapist was in a frame of mind to be receptive to my sincere efforts. I wonder if there isn't a better matched therapist out there for you...
I know how traumatic this is and I want you to know you have my support. I hope this painful situation will pass quickly for you.
Take care.
Stellabystarlight
Posted by nebulae on August 23, 2008, at 20:48:01
In reply to Re: Still in shock over termination. » nebulae, posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 10:59:15
Teanleaf,
How do i do all of this. It sounds like it could make a difference. But i feel it would be so hard to do, since he said we'd end this relationship. And besides that, i feel like i am going to sound fake, and like i am trying to say something with the purpose to stay with him. Maybe i am just not there yet to say those things you talk about. But i don't have time to try to say--i have just a few sessions left. I have to just say them. I need his help desperately on this. But he does not seem to want to be cooperative.
Posted by seldomseen on August 24, 2008, at 9:34:56
In reply to Still in shock over termination., posted by nebulae on August 22, 2008, at 23:46:40
I'm so sorry all this is happening. Based on your reaction to his wife picking him up, you were in a lot of pain. I understand that and empathize with it. I know what transference is like and it does hurt and is wholly frustrating. It's hard to negotiate.
I do wonder though, have you considered that he might be feeling as though you betrayed him as well?
Therapists aren't supposed to be human, but they are. As Twinleaf indicated, he is most likely having a strong emotional response to your message. I think you need to acknowledge that emotional response and his hurt. He indicated that he felt as though you had blocked empathy. Do you think this is a correct assesment?
Based on what his reaction thus far he is not interpreting your actions as a therapeutic opportunity, but as grounds for termination. I think it would be wise to consider his interpretation. Not everything is in the bounds of therapy and a heartfelt apology and laying out a plan to ensure that it doesn't happen again should go a long way.
Keep us posted.
Thinking about you.
Seldom
Posted by twinleaf on August 24, 2008, at 11:05:14
In reply to Re: Still in shock over termination. » nebulae, posted by twinleaf on August 23, 2008, at 10:59:15
It's so hard. Being calm and reasonable is probably the last thing you feel like being right now. But you do have some very good things going for you, which are real and true, and which could form the basis of future work with him. I was thinking of the good quality of the relationship with him in the past, and the fact that you are aware of important changes in yourself as a result of your work with him. These very positive things would be what means the most to him as a therapist.
At this point, with several more sessions, I would apologize for the phone call, as Seldom suggested, and then concentrate on those good things. Right now isn't the time for no-holds-barred, anything-goes sessions. Wouldn't it be worth trying?
This is the end of the thread.
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