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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LostPirate on August 18, 2008, at 12:25:28
I havent posted here in years.
I think I am addicted to therapy. I am addicted to the fantasy world that therapy has helped my mind create.
I think its time to stop. Its been 6 years. Once a week for almost 6 years. Ive accomplished a lot but I think I am also starting waste too much time in this fantasy world I imagine. Where my T knows all about my life and genuinely cares. Where I know about her life and her feelings, and how she is as a person.
I dont long for this so much in reality though. My intellectual mind understands this is an appropriate feeling in therapy, but my heart will not hear it.
I want to know about her as a person, but I cant really, so I guess my mind makes it up. But I think about it too much.
When will I get it? When do I realize that I am another number that walks in and then out of her door?
Sure, she cares some I guess. But I pay her for her time and then I go. She lingers in my mind often, but certainly she doesnt think twice about me. I am her job, not of any real significance.Here is a dream I had once (its now more a fantasy that Id like to see happen)
I dreamt I had just had a baby and could not wait until my next session following the birth. I was dying to show my T the baby and I so wanted her to hold the baby.As a dream, this could be talked about a lot in therapy.
What I dont understand is why would it be so fulfilling to see my therapist hold my baby? Why couldnt I get that same feeling seeing my mother hold my baby? Granted I dont even have a baby yet, but this is just something weird that pops into my mind a lot. A sort of fantasy. Makes me think its time to move away from therapy. I am wasting time thinking about stuff like this.Maybe I should pull my thoughts together better. This seems more like a vent. My session today just left me feeling all this and more. Maybe it would help me to try and pinpoint what exactly the triggers were from today.
I'm just frustrated.
Posted by myrtledog on August 18, 2008, at 15:36:06
In reply to time to quit?, posted by LostPirate on August 18, 2008, at 12:25:28
Your post really resonated with me. I can't respond to the 'should i quit' part but I would so love for my T to hold my baby. It would be absolute peace and security. For me that dream - which i intend to adopt, btw, means only one thing. That would be my T holding the baby part of me, and that part of me being completely safe and held and protected and encircled with love and care. I envy you that dream.
Posted by Daisym on August 20, 2008, at 0:26:20
In reply to time to quit?, posted by LostPirate on August 18, 2008, at 12:25:28
I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post right away. I felt like I could have written it. I've struggled with these same thoughts on and off for the 5 years I've been in therapy - especially the part about needing to quit because it feels so terrible to just be a "number" and wondering if he cares at all.
When I feel this way, I have learned to bring it up with my therapist. I want to be special and to have his attention. I want to be held in his mind. We agree that these are old needs that were never met. He knows how I feel about him - all the different kinds of love and fear and attachment. He tells me that he can really understand what a double-edge sword this relationship is - it feels good to be connected but it is frustrating. Winnicott described good therapy as "optimally frustrating."
We have spent two sessions this week on this exact topic. I asked him if he was mad at me because I want this deep connection to him so much but I fear it so much too. He said no - if he was mad about wanting the connection, he'd have to be mad at himself too because he wants it too. And he thinks it makes sense to be afraid of it, given my history. He told me that this is probably one of the first times I've given into the needs of my heart - that feeling dependent is risky because my heart is involved. My therapist believes I promised myself I'd never be dependent again and because I've become very attached to him and he's let me - I'm also angry with him. (He uses the word dependent in a very non-judgemental/nonpegorative way.)
I've used the description of being "addicted" as well. He tells me that it feels this way because I've surpressed these needs for so long that they feel HUGE! I have no idea what "normal" needs are. Normal for me is not needing anything. Here is something that kind-of helped me. He had me imagine a small child who has been neglected. He asked me to imagine meeting her needs for security - what would that look like? I responded with things like being available and consistent and kind, etc. He asked me what I would expect after 5 years? I responded that if I'd done my job with her, she would be less fearful and more able to believe that she was going to get her needs met - physically and emotionally. And, he asked, would you expect her to have no needs? Should she stop coming to you for what she needs? I said, well no, but she is still a child. He pointed out that my oldest, who no longer lives at home, still calls me when he is upset, etc. And besides, emotionally, I'm still very much in the infant stage - a novice to a lot of this.
I think if you believe you are spending too much mind-time on therapy and your therapist, you should talk with her about it. It helps me a lot to put it in perspective and to see why it might be occupying so much of my time right now. She might have suggestions for you to begin to build a "real" world - and lessen the fantasy. I think most therapists really do care and want us to have good, full lives. They want to be part of those lives, just not all of it. I doubt very much you would have stayed with someone who treated you like a number for six years.
Good luck with this. I know what a struggle it is.
Posted by JoniS on August 26, 2008, at 23:48:53
In reply to time to quit?, posted by LostPirate on August 18, 2008, at 12:25:28
I'm addicted too, I guess. I've thought about quitting. I guess that I might be able to if I had another deep relationship to (in some ways) replace the one with my T.
I love my T, very much and it is painful sometimes to live with the longing for a real relationship with him.
I've been in therapy with this T for 6 years now too. I guess it'll be a few more years I'll need him while I'm going through this divorce.
Best of luck to you.
Joni
Posted by JoniS on August 27, 2008, at 0:11:40
In reply to Re: time to quit? (long reply) » LostPirate, posted by Daisym on August 20, 2008, at 0:26:20
Daisy
Thanks for your post. It is so familiar, but your T sounds just a little more invested in you than mine is in me. I guess that's how he handles boundaries.
You go 2 or more times a week, dont you? How do you manage that? What I mean is, I suspect that my T doesn't see any of his patients more frequently than 1 time each week.
I walked out of his office today and was just sad that it will be a whole week before I see him again. And often, it's longer than 1 week.
I need to get a life!
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