![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 12, 2008, at 18:15:42
I don't see T again until sept 5th.
We have come to the conclusion that it's time to do some work on traumatic stuff that happened to me.
I may never feel ready. I may never feel strong enough. I may never feel safe enough. I feel like just hiding under the covers and waiting for the storm to pass. (But it seems to find me under the covers, somehow).
So, I'm taking on the task of deciding what I want to talk about, and trying to figure out how to proceed. We talked about me journalling during my 'break'. I don't even know how/when/where to start. It's too obscene to write. I don't even want to contemplate it. (that's the problem!)
But it's gotta come out, because my mind has a way of producing fluid visions under pressure. Then things stop making sense.
Maybe my coping mechanisms are better this time. Maybe my medication regime is settling down. Maybe I have more tools available.
As T said- we know where my fault lines are. We know how and where I will break under stress. There's no guarantee that it won't happen again in my life, even though I feel 'well' right now.
*************
And something I talked about todayIf I am symptomatic, it's a way of my holding onto the past trauma, making it 'real' in my mind.
If I'm not symptomatic, it feels like I'm in a cycle of denial.
How to free myself from this? That even 'well' people suffer trauma, and 'unwell' people may just be more susceptible/vulnerable to their own life events.
In other words- how can I be 'well' AND acknowledge that these things happened to me?
-Ll
Posted by DAisym on August 12, 2008, at 18:50:42
In reply to How to start my narrative, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 12, 2008, at 18:15:42
This sounds an awful lot like my "isn't talking about it wallowing in it?" and not talking about it "keeps the secret" dilema. I go around this circle all the time. Here is what works for me, although it certainly doesn't for everyone. (Please ignore this if it is really off base.)
I take a deep breath and decide I'm going to write down something that happened. At that moment I'm not telling myself I have to share it, or keep it or write it well. I just have to get it down on paper. So I'll write the first few words and inevitably I'll feel a great pressure in my chest. So I breathe some more and write some more. I often start with the details outside of the abuse itself - was it cold or hot? Light or dark? Smells? Sounds? Who was home or where were they? I've written about what I could see and then finally will work my way to what I could feel - and I write as concretely as possible. But I don't use terms that don't immediately come to mind, as hard as that is. I want to use all the correct terminology but what I've grown to know is that the words that just come out tell me what the age is that is writing and remembering. If I can, I'll write the feelings that I had then. I always end with the feelings I have now.
And then I password protect the file and close it. Sometimes I print it before I go to therapy and read it out loud there. Often it is the first time I've read it again. But when I do that, I am safe to feel the feelings because my therapist is there to hold them with me. Other times I just tell him I've been writing and we talk about how it felt to write.
I know it is scary but journaling can be a good way to get started "telling." And the telling is a really important part. Just be careful writing too much while he is away for such a long time. You don't want to flood yourself.
Posted by seldomseen on August 12, 2008, at 20:41:05
In reply to How to start my narrative, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 12, 2008, at 18:15:42
"In other words- how can I be 'well' AND acknowledge that these things happened to me?"
The two, in my opinion are certainly not mutually exclusive. In my experience they are actually intertwined.
Talking about the things that happened to me really helped me to incorporate them as a part of me, something that occurred - I survived and no longer has as much impact today.
I'm still working on it, but for me the key is to fully understand that I am now physically and mentally safe. I had to create a safe place in my mind and actual physical location where I was confident that nothing like that was going to happen again.
Once that was in place, then I could talk, re-experience, but still stay very much in the present.
It's actually interesting, but the deeper I go into my past, the more elaborate my paths to safety are, but for me it works.
It was just so important to know that I was no longer in that place.
Seldom
Posted by backseatdriver on August 13, 2008, at 8:46:08
In reply to How to start my narrative, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 12, 2008, at 18:15:42
Just wanted to chime in -- having a safe place, starting from there, has been really important for me.
Posted by Lemonaide on August 14, 2008, at 16:46:36
In reply to How to start my narrative, posted by llurpsienoodle on August 12, 2008, at 18:15:42
I have no idea Ll, I think there is no logical way to start something like this. For me it seems like the issues present themselves without me trying to think about how. It is interesting how one will react something to their present due to what happened to them in the past. So with me, my present problems usually have something to do with my past, so we never run out of things to talk about.
The only question I know I can answer is that yes, you can be "okay" or even high functioning and still have a trauma past.
Posted by Phillipa on August 15, 2008, at 12:28:41
In reply to Re: How to start my narrative, posted by Lemonaide on August 14, 2008, at 16:46:36
Seems the therapists I've seen have all said forget the past and move forward the past is over and done forget it. Why such different schools of thought? I once journeled and threw them out when moved. And it was the right move for me. Once in the hospital they had us write things and then burned them. Strange such different techniques. In my heart I know the past is gone and although abandonment issues as raised self will always be there I can't change that. So now I'm supposed to change me. Phillipa
Posted by Lemonaide on August 15, 2008, at 20:42:25
In reply to Re: How to start my narrative » Lemonaide, posted by Phillipa on August 15, 2008, at 12:28:41
I think eventually one needs to put their past behind them because you only have one life, and you have somewhat of a choice to either thrive, die, or be a victim. I wish everyone can get to the place where they are thriving before they die, that would be the best thing.
But to just "forget" about the past especially if it was abusive, isn't always possible because your body remembers and will still react to that abuse in certain situations. Your body maybe be living a life that isn't so great because it is all you know because of the abuse. I think I tend to hear "just forgot about it and move forward" from those who have never had anything tragic happen in their lives. They just don't understand and maybe they are lucky they don't.
Posted by Phillipa on August 16, 2008, at 19:29:45
In reply to Re: How to start my narrative » Phillipa, posted by Lemonaide on August 15, 2008, at 20:42:25
I guess tragic in my life is mental as Mother blamed for her illness that I gave it to her when a baby. She's foam at the mouth have tantrums. Always in bed yes she was sick but I didn't curse her as she said when a bird got in the house or I broke a mirror. And She died at age 46 and I was l7. I raised myself. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.