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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on June 26, 2008, at 14:11:07
when i don't want help.
i know in my gut i need to tell her. but i don't want to be stopped. so i can't seem to tell her. every time i try to email her i stop or delete it.
Posted by rskontos on June 26, 2008, at 14:41:49
In reply to How do i tell T something, posted by B2chica on June 26, 2008, at 14:11:07
What don't you want help about?
This is a little scary to me?
Are you ok?
rsk
Posted by B2chica on June 26, 2008, at 15:27:02
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something, posted by rskontos on June 26, 2008, at 14:41:49
no. i don't think i am rk.
my mind is convincing me that i can 'handle' this.but a few years ago i...well, i did end up having a bit of an eating disorder. but it was complex and more associated with trauma and psychosis and all i was dealing with. its sort of a way of SI for me i think.
well with these new meds.
i've noticed old habits becoming quite easy. skipping meals here and there. dont eat after 9, then 8, then 7.now i allow myself to eat as much as i want but only in the time that it takes my little one to eat. and feeding her at the same time and mom's know how that goes.
i (one who NEVER drank diet pop cuz i hate the way it tastes) wont drink anything but that or water.the last two weeks i've lost 5 lbs, i guess that's where i've noticed a scare. i mean afterall, i'm no skinny minny and there's no chance of me blowing away in the wind. i'm still at a hefty 156lbs. but it's gotten quite bad.
and it's not about my weight. it's not how i look although i did want to loose those baby lbs.but now everytime i get angry at my DH "i can't eat", i get upset at work, "i can't eat", i worry about money "i can't eat". its excuses after excuses and the thing is.
my brain is telling me it's not a problem, but there's a twinge in my gut thats saying i need to tell someone.
(and no that twinge isn't hunger...but i guess it's not very funny huh).
but with the SI part, when i'm mad, if i feel hungry i'm happy and i say see...i'm not gonna eat, i can do that and NOBODY CAN SEE THE SCARS THIS TIME. NOBODY SEES ME SI. I CAN DO IT and it hurts NO ONE but myself.
the last few days i've noticed i'm shaky at work ( i think cuz of the caffine and ritalin and no food). but like i said i do eat, but only at dinner time and only what i can eat when littleone eats.
....THERE...i told someone.
its out. its not a secret anymomre.
Posted by B2chica on June 26, 2008, at 15:28:53
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something, posted by rskontos on June 26, 2008, at 14:41:49
Posted by rskontos on June 26, 2008, at 18:09:20
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something, posted by rskontos on June 26, 2008, at 14:41:49
OK, B2c I know you won't get this until tomorrow but here goes.
So to tell T I think is necessary because although you have laid it out here in Babble for us and it is written, you need someone IRL to help you monitor yourself. And your t is someone you see often enough to help you just as a BACKUP. But it is good that you think you can control this.
Now the book I read that Daisym recommended says most people who SI do so to release endorphms, mispelled and too lazy to look up, into the body to help feel better. I don't think that not eating would do the same thing. But then again, what do I know. I don't SI so I really dont know.
I am glad you told us. I am glad you put it out there to hold yourself accountable. Now. I understand feeling like you need to lose weight. I too am trying to lose weight. I since i have been on topamax have had to force myself to eat. I still do. Sometimes I eat badly. I am trying to make myself eat better.
Maybe we should as a pact, strive to eat better, at least two good meals and two snacks. I tend to eat only one meal a day and maybe one snack. Not a very good amount. So I undertand your concern. I know I need to exercise too and I don't always. Not consistently anyway.
So how about maintaining some accountability here but with T too.
Maybe you can just print off the initial post and hand it too her. I mean the one where you explained it to me. If telling her is hard.
Let me know how I can help. I will anyway I need to.
And give yourself permission to eat without littleone. It is ok.
Are your meds not working so well if you feel the need to cut?
Again, just let me know how i can help.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 7:47:21
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something » rskontos, posted by rskontos on June 26, 2008, at 18:09:20
actually i'm thinking it IS the meds.
i'm on geodon
topamax
ritalin
(all not much for eating)
then i'm getting off lexapro, which actually supressed my appetite also. (down to 5mg)
and i'm at 150 wellbutrinxl, well actually the generic. but i feel that it is actually brought my hunger back a bit and i think that is what has brought this on. not surecuz right now early in the morning. 7/7:30 i'm hungry and might actually be able to eat -if i had more time i would have actually swung through someplace and grabbed a bite cuz i'm hungry and i think i could eat. but once the meds kick in for the day, wellbutrin first then ritalin...forget it. then its just a fight to see how long, how far i can go on nothing. if i get too dizzy at work i do have a can of almonds from way back and i will allow myself one or two (no more) but not everyday, i usually don't.
and i do admit i like that i am loosing weight, even though it is not a healthy way. that d@mn zyprexa kept my baby weight on me SO long! its like i'm rebelling a little too.
i just dont know.
all i know is right now, this very moment i don't feel in trouble.
yesterday when i wrote, i did. very much so.
it comes and goes. so i dont know if it's a real problem or not.thanks for caring RK.
b2c
Posted by muffled on June 27, 2008, at 11:04:43
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something » rskontos, posted by B2chica on June 26, 2008, at 15:27:02
Hope you can tell your T B2, this is important. Never mind it not important now, just tell her ANYways.
Take good care.
Sorry I not around cuz I not babbling.
M
Posted by rskontos on June 27, 2008, at 11:51:04
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something » rskontos, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 7:47:21
I would still tell your T that your are worried that you might be doing this not eating thing as a possible SI thing, or at the very least to punish yourself maybe. But that still all in all you do feel that you need to lose weight. I get that. And for the record sometimes baby weight although with meds is hard to lose. The fact is sometimes eating less is the only way, and it is hard to do it the right way, when you are working, with a baby, trying to fix healthy meals. And nuts are a good snack actually, the fats in them are ok. They will help you feel full faster. Nuts get a bad rap actually. Some are better than others but nuts alone not in a candy bar are better for you than a candy bar. So allow yourself more than a couple if you skip a meal. I know it is hard.
Here is it 1:00 pm and I haven't eaten anything either. And I am at home.
But I am one size larger than last year and it makes me feel bad. I used to could cut out a few meals and lose weight fairly easily. Now it is not so easy but then again since i sold the farm and been depressed for the last 2 years I am not as active so that probably accounts for a large part of it too. I have so much less energy now too.
Anyway, maybe it is time for a med adjustment.
But with topamax, the wellbutin and lexapro, I believe those each alone will kill the desire to eat. At least for me, topamax and lexapro did in combo. My appetite is still low. My body has just adjusted and won't let go of the weight so i need to exercise to lose it. Or stop eating altogether.
Anyway, I think if you could adjust the weight loss to 2-3 lbs a month then you would be in the more healthy range. 5 lbs a week or so would not be so healthy.
And of course I care.
Anyway, fess up to T, and just talk about it. I think it might help. Although listen to me, I haven't told my T how i feel about my weight. I have only just now told my family.
I am going to start Wellbutrin to see if gives me more energy to help me start being more active again.
Let us just start a dialogue here to be more open about this and maybe that will help?
rsk
I need it too. I have some hangups about my weight too especially since my sister is back and wants to be in my life and I think she is super skinny and that bugs me. There it is in the open now. Petty huh
Posted by sunnydays on June 27, 2008, at 13:10:06
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something » B2chica, posted by rskontos on June 27, 2008, at 11:51:04
Magic snack for me, and it's fairly healthy and very filling with only a small amount. Maybe you could try it and you'll like. I just discovered it recently.
I mix about 3 parts golden raisins to 1 part chopped nuts (I like pecans, but walnuts might also be good). It's good for you and filling, so maybe you would like it.
Of course, if you could tell T that would be great. Remember that she can't force you to do anything, but just talking about it with her and her knowing might make it feel more normal. And that might make it safer to eat.
sunnydays
Posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
In reply to Re: How do i tell T something » B2chica, posted by rskontos on June 27, 2008, at 11:51:04
i've noticed myself going down (depression) i think attributing to the eating issue lately but today i crashed i was low this morning. and sad couldn't concentrate, can't think. like a slug.
can't function at work. I HATE THIS.
got teary, So i tried to freakin help myself...
my pdoc's out of town till tuesday. i later called backing thinking i'll talk to nurse or on call doc cuz i have solution maybe till doc back, nurse wont answer questions and no doc...yes that's what they told me. i asked no 'on call", nope. but i can call the mental health center (county operated...and YIKES brings horror back for me)but i called, i got transfered, and hold and hold and disconnected. so i had to call back (taunting me) transfered on hold on hold...i hung up.
i called hospital mental health center talked to nurses..they can't give med advice for legal reasons..i understand.
mean time i've emailed T twice and posted on babblemeds board no response from either.
now i'm tearing up and starting to cry here and there. then i thought i'd call where i get my perscriptions. my pharmacist. all i want to do is up my lex back from 5 to 10 with my wellbutrin.
-after 20 min and LONG conversation though she was VERY nice and helpful, her point was "A PERSON" can take 10 and wellbutrin, but no point cuz takes too long to work, and the wellbutrin takes 3-4 WEEKS to work!!
....and
the kicker...
she 'knows' people who are bipolar and its good that i'm ..and i quote..."not giving up", shes know some people that have bipolar that just gave up...!!! what does that mean??!! did they die?? are they living with their parents? do they own dot com companies?? WHAT??
i could barely get the words "have a nice day" out of my mouth and hung up with her and started to bawl.
i took my phone and keys and got out of the lab and back to my office. i locked the door and checked messages and boards again...NOTHING.i was going to call my GP and ask, but last time the nurse wouldn't help cuz my GP wasn't the prescribing physician...but then i crying by this time and just decided to call and make an appointment. I called and GUESS FREAKING WHAT?? yep both Docs are out of town till monday and only the PA (which i don't like) is there...
is there some convention i don't know about?now i hung up and full out cried for 3 min.
i remembered my friend who's becoming a doc. i didn't know if he'd feel uncomfortable or not but i called him, i told him a quick version of why i needed help and asked him all i wanted to know and if he could tell me.HE SAID OF COURSE I CAN TELL YOU THAT....he checked it out and said there should be no problem. i'd take it and just see, cuz theraputic dose is only at 10 and if i'm at 5 there's nothing there anyway. and i said crying "ya i can tell"-sarcastically and in tears. and kept apologizing about the crying...he said no problem.
so i just hung up with him and T emailed back and said same thing. go to 10 of lex.
so i'm feeling better about that but i'm still teary.
i need to go back in the other room but people come in and out and i don't want to be crying. so i'll go in a few minutes.Thanks for letting me VENT ALL THIS.
i'll worry about my eating later.
Posted by backseatdriver on June 27, 2008, at 14:34:52
In reply to more urgent crisis now, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
B2C - I know that sluggish feeling intimately. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. Sending supportive vibes your way.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 15:54:42
In reply to more urgent crisis now, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
BC - just a quick reply, but the acute and intense dysphoric symptoms you describe sound like what sometimes happens to me when I decrease A/D dosages, even by small increments. Some people are VERY sensitive to changes in SSRI or other psychotropic meds (e.g. other types of antidepressants) levels, perhaps due to unusually sensitive/reactive neurotransmitter (NT) receptors. Anyway if you reacted this way to dropping the lex recently then you should probably start feeling better pretty quickly going back up to 10 mgs Lex - that's the long and short of it. I'll read the other board posts to make sure I understand what you've been taking and will then post later OK? In the meantime, hope you are starting to feel better, sweetie, hang in there and take care of yourself. We are all here for you. Love, Lucie
Posted by Dinah on June 27, 2008, at 18:32:10
In reply to more urgent crisis now, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
Have you changed your AP lately? Last time you felt really bad, you felt much better when you returned to your previous dosage. If you're feeling really bad again, *and* you're changing medications, it might be a good idea to talk to your pdoc about your previous experiences. If you need to call over the weekend, do that.
It's really important to get your meds regulated so that you don't feel dangerously bad. If you need to or feel unsafe, please go to the hospital emergency room. One thing hospitals are good for is keeping you safe while they mess with your meds.
Posted by Lucie Lu on June 27, 2008, at 21:22:45
In reply to more urgent crisis now, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
I started to write a longish post and then Dinah said in a few short succinct lines what it was taking me paragraphs to express! It sounds to me like everything on this thread may be med-related, b2c, so hopefully you'll be feeling well again very soon... it may be just your body biochemistry and no reflection of your hard work and progress. When I have had problems like this, all of my "old symptoms" rear up but they subside and I regain my new position when I'm physically in balance again. Hopefully you'll find the same. Just hang in there and if it does get too much, then do head for the ER, as Dinah said, don't hesitate. You'll get past this and be yourself again soon and we are here to help.
Love ya, Lucie
p.s. replied to your post on the other board.
Posted by sunnydays on June 27, 2008, at 23:51:33
In reply to more urgent crisis now, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
B2c, I hope things are a little better now. I was prescribed, at one time, 10mg of Lexapro with Wellbutrin. 5mg of Lexapro is a rather small dose. Unfortunately, I had to quit the Wellbutrin after 2 days because of side effects, but I was prescribed that combo. Stay safe, we care about you.
sunnydays
Posted by B2chica on June 30, 2008, at 14:35:05
In reply to Re: more urgent crisis now » B2chica, posted by Dinah on June 27, 2008, at 18:32:10
Thats why i'm in crisis mode Dinah.
my dang pdoc was out from thursday till TUESDAY!
i couldn't find anyone.
i called all over, i even thought i'd make appt with GP, and he was out of town. etc. etc.man, my anxiety went through the roof and i couldn't stop crying that day.
and no it was just my AD that my doc was changing.
all the rest stayed the same.
although i'm wondering if my AP should go up.i'll HOPEFULLY hear from him tomorrow night when he returns messages. and i'll find out then.
thanks
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on June 30, 2008, at 14:36:16
In reply to Re: more urgent crisis now » B2chica, posted by sunnydays on June 27, 2008, at 23:51:33
aaah Sunnydays, thank you SO much for your reply. you make me feel better knowing that.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on June 30, 2008, at 14:41:14
In reply to more urgent crisis now, posted by B2chica on June 27, 2008, at 14:09:52
well, i stopped the uncontrollable crying.
but i'm still having intrusive thoughts...but they're are weirdly mostly in the mornings. by about noon they stop coming.
i still have the other typical 'depressive' sypmtoms but i'd say they're at a 5 right now...so i've been a lot worse.i hopefully will hear from pdoc tomorrow night IF he returns my call. he's supposed to be back tomorrow. and he usually returns calls in the evening so we'll see.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH
for being so supportive.
my anxiety was running SO rampid. i couldn't calm down so my crying got worse.
i'm taking some xanax now too so that's making me more tired (on top of the depression, tired) so i'm drooping these days.
but what else can i do.well gotta go.
thanks again all. you are all absolutely the greatest.thanks
b2c.
Posted by rskontos on June 30, 2008, at 15:07:51
In reply to Re: more urgent crisis...update » B2chica, posted by B2chica on June 30, 2008, at 14:41:14
You know b2c when you feel like you do most anything will make you more tired and weepy I find. I too went to pdoc for something I started wellbutrin too. I find my energy level is at rock bottom and I am tired of it. LOL no pun intended. Tired of being tired.
Anyway, For most I have seen with BP being on a cocktail is the normal. Have you ever gone to crazymeds.org for meds help. They are a smart bunch when it comes to meds. I researched alot of meds there before I settled on wellbutrin for my issues. The archives and meds pages are filled with information. a good information gathering spot plus the people are just knowledgeable with it comes to meds and how they interact with each other.
I have to up my xanax with I have those intrusive thoughts. Which mine have been up too.
Well I hope you have a better week..
Sometimes I think just talking helps. I always thought 20 mg. was the upper dosage of lex too. But I know next to nothing. But then lexapro made me sleep 12 hours at a time. and that was 10 mg. And then 5 mg. did nothing for anxiety or depression so off it I went.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on July 1, 2008, at 12:49:16
In reply to Re: more urgent crisis...update » B2chica, posted by rskontos on June 30, 2008, at 15:07:51
yes, between lex and topamax i'm needing to sleep 9-10 hours meaning i go to bed at 9. this kinda s#cks since i'm normally a night owl. and i STILL wake up tired.
that's one other reason i wanted off lex.
man i really really hope wellbutrin kicks in and works.i'm feeling better today. still 'gloomy', but i can work. not crying, and so far no intrusive thoughts...yay. this is good. but also...D@mn.
ya know.thanks rsk
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