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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
get over the fact that you werent cared about as a child? that you werent special to anyone?
Just a ramble ahead really....
I'm having a hard night. I generally do very well and dont get emotional or let childhood stuff get to me much. But recently... I dont know. It gets triggered sometimes. Today I signed the lease on my first apartment. I've lived in apartments before, with a roommate, but this will be my first place on my own. I've been capable of living alone for many years, but financially needed the roommate. Not now. This feels like one of those minor "life events" for me. I bought my first brand new car in January. Similar. In November, I got my first full time career job. I'd had a career job before, but it was hourly. This new job is well paying and pretty well respected within my field. Big life events. I'm 25 years old, by the way.
No one is proud of me. No one cares. Of course friends/coworkers do, but thats different. I find myself really wanting someone to be excited for me, like a parent would for their grown child. That feels different to me. I wanted someone to go with me to the apartment tonight to meet with the people. Not because I needed any help (I didnt) but just because it was exciting for me. Boyfriend didnt want to go. He's a bit older and its no big deal for him. I try to explain but he doesnt understand how I feel.
I've also been forced to witness several "good family" moments between different people recently. Had lunch with a coworker and her mother today. Theyre incredibly close. It was hard to watch.
I stopped calling my parents to see what would happen. Its been about 3 months. Nothing. They havnt contacted me. I always knew I was the one holding the relationship together, but it's always harder to have proof.
I guess I'm just feeling triggered. Logically I know that I'm doing just fine on my own. In fact, I think I do better than a lot of people my age. But I feel all alone in it.
I know the key is to just recognize and accept what family is/isnt and find what you need in other places. I generally do well. But sometimes it'd just be nice to have someone be excited for me, be proud of me.
Please be gentle.
Posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:51:46
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
I had a minor parent related trigger on Monday night. I saw T on tuesday at 11am, mid work day. I didnt even bring it up. We talked about causal stuff all session because I guess there was nothing else really to say. In reality, there were several real topics I should have talked about. It wasnt that I couldnt bring it up or felt uncomfortable. I just didnt have the emotional/mental energy to do so. That sure doesnt get me very far. It happens regularly though.
Posted by seldomseen on May 2, 2008, at 6:39:15
In reply to and....., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:51:46
will you re-post it?
Thanks
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on May 2, 2008, at 6:40:16
In reply to I can't open your first post. » wishingstar, posted by seldomseen on May 2, 2008, at 6:39:15
Posted by seldomseen on May 2, 2008, at 6:54:36
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
I personally think that "good families" should come with warning stickers on their mini-vans that say "caution, non-dysfunctional family inside". At least we would be warned. They are tough to see. I like to think that underneath all that family goodness there lurks unspeakable badness. It may be a total creation on my part, but it makes me feel better.
I'm sorry you feel lonely. Sigh. I do understand, in fact I think a lot of people on this board will.
I celebrated all the big life events thus far on my own.
One of my mentors told me several months ago that he was proud of me and it carried me for weeks and weeks.
I've learned though, that the sense of family is where you find it. Whether it be at work, or with your boyfriend's family or where ever.
It's not the same as parental approval and love, but it's pretty close.
Let me be the first here to congratulate you on your great new job, your cool new car and your fab new place. I'm very proud of you and what you have accomplished. Very very proud of you indeed.
Take good care.
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2008, at 8:21:59
In reply to I can't open your first post. » wishingstar, posted by seldomseen on May 2, 2008, at 6:39:15
Dr. Bob says the cure for a blank post is the same as the cure for a blank board. If you respond to a post (or redirect something to a board) it fixes it. Not sure what the computer glitch is, but that's the cure.
Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2008, at 8:31:45
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
Those are really exciting things in life. And you should be proud. It's a shame your boyfriend isn't excited about them if only because you are and he shares your happiness. :(
Maybe that's part of what living for yourself means? I'm really not sure.
Posted by Happyflower on May 2, 2008, at 8:46:33
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
Wishing star,
I really understand, that is the way my childhood was too. In fact accomplishment would only get me more abuse, so I hid it.
It makes me angry that some parents are such poopy heads. They should value their children, not ignore them or treat them like objects.
I know my T would say something to the effect that I need to value my accomplishments within myself because that is where they count the most. But soemtimes you just want validation that you are okay and it is hard to get that by yourself.
It saddens me that your parents having called you or anything, that much hurt so much. Shame on them! You are wonderful caring women, and if they can't appreciate that, they don't deserve you.
Independence is a great step in life, and I am happy you are doing well. Hold your head up high!
About the boyfriend, could he feel threatened that you are becoming so dependent?
Posted by sassyfrancesca on May 2, 2008, at 14:01:04
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
I am very proud of you, sweetie: I know that doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but we ALL want and need to be CELEBRATED!
My t told me once that my friends had become my family. That is so true.
I don't think we ever get over wanting our parents' love and approval, etc......and so sad when we know it won't be coming.
There are some things we don't "get over"---we learn to live with what we have to, and find ways to get what we need.
I am proud of you!
Love, Sassy
Posted by MidnightBlue on May 2, 2008, at 21:29:14
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
Wishing,
I am proud of you. VERY proud of you! You are doing great girl! Do you have a brother or sister? If not make your own family. Join a church and find someone who would LOVE to have a daughter. I'm sure there is someone out there who would love to claim you as their grown up daughter! You can't pick who gives birth to you, but you can pick who you call family.
HUGS,
MidnightBlue
Posted by sunnydays on May 2, 2008, at 22:42:42
In reply to how do you..., posted by wishingstar on May 1, 2008, at 20:48:26
I totally get what you're going through. I also just signed my first apartment lease. My problem is a little different, because my mother is too controlling and clingy, so it's hard getting out from under that.
I really wish I had answers. Just know you are going through some major life stressors (they count as stressors even if they're exciting), so it's understandable you'd be triggered more - at least that's what my T tells me because I feel like I am falling apart lately with all this.
Good luck. Keep us posted. I'm excited for you! I just wish I could get excited for myself... stupid family keeps getting in the way and bringing me down the moment I get excited.
sunnydays
Posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2008, at 8:58:20
In reply to Re: how do you... » wishingstar, posted by sunnydays on May 2, 2008, at 22:42:42
Thanks everyone.. I really appreciate all the responses and nice thoughts. I'm doing better today. I havent been sleeping well for several weeks (stress related) and on top of everything else, I'm just feeling very sensitive I guess.
I'm not going to respond to each post individually if thats ok... but I will respond to the few specific things.
I do have a brother. He just turned 18 and is going to college in the fall. We get along, but we've never been close. Part of what makes my family dynamic hard for me is that my mother LOVES my brother. I mean, she talks about him and what hes doing all the time, supports him, complete opposite of what I got. When I applied for college, she wasnt involved at all and didnt really care. He just finished that process and she took him to visit every school multiple times, etc. He doesnt understand that my experience has been different.
And about my boyfriend. Overall, he is great. He is older than me by many years and so I think he has more distance from what it's like to be in your 20s and just cant really relate. That's okay. I dont think he feels I'm becoming dependent on him though. I'm really a very independent, "I can do it myself" kind of person, sometimes probably to a fault. It's a long story but the reason he wouldnt come with me to sign the lease had to do with an experience he'd had with this rental company 10+ years ago (while living with his ex-gf no less) and he's still holding a grudge.
I'm going to continue on being proud of myself and trying to fill that need for myself. I almost always do just fine with that. But sometimes, it all just falls apart... like the other night. I really appreciate everything everyone said. Thank you all so much.
This is the end of the thread.
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