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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on April 22, 2008, at 22:35:11
So my T doesn't think it's good to reassure me as much anymore - that doesn't mean he won't do it, but less, like at the end of session he'd do it but in the middle if I say something like, "Do you still like me?" he'll say something like, "It sounds like it's scary to think that I don't like you." We talked about it today because it's making me feel not cared about, and he said that he thinks it's better not to be quite so transparent in his reassurance, that we are entering a new stage in therapy.
But I don't like it. And I am sooo mad at him, and so sad. And I just feel helpless, which I've told him, because he can do whatever he wants and I can't do anything about it. And why does he get to just decide something?
I know that lately it's also been hard because we've had a couple misunderstandings. But I told him that it feels like he keeps taking things away. And then I said, "You're probably going to say that's not it, but it *is*." And he said, "No, I'd probably feel like something was being taken away too."
It's just so hard. And I called and wanted him to call me because I was so upset, but he called when I was out and said he would call me after 10pm when he was back from some evening engagement if I wanted him to, to leave him a message and let him know. And I just didn't want to bother him having him call that late and he'd probably be tired, and I didn't want to risk my feelings getting hurt on the chance he forgot to call, so I called back and said never mind.
But it just is so so so so hard. I said as I was leaving, "Do you believe me that this is really really hard?" And he said, "Yes, I believe you. It is really hard, but you are doing a fantastic job. But I understand it's hard."
So he gets it but he doesn't all at the same time. And this hurts so much.
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 0:23:22
In reply to less reassurance, posted by sunnydays on April 22, 2008, at 22:35:11
Reckon it hurts OK. Growing pains.
But the times you call your T and don't ask for a call back, or times you WANT to call T, but don't.
Well....you survive those times don't you?
Those horrible intense feelings DO pass. Yes, they may come back, but then they ease up again, like waves washing into the beach.
So I reckon your T is trying to help you learn to tolerate these feelings.
Giving you the opportunity to have these feelings and survive them on your own sometimes.
To discover for yourownself that they DO in fact pass.
Took me awhile to figger this concept.....
Cuz the reality is, we have to have our own INNER resources to carry us through this life, cuz lotsa bad stuff happens. And somehow, you never got those inner resources when you was a kid, and its WAAAAAAAYYYY harder to learn the stuff you shoulda learned as a kid, as an adult.
Its painful and hard.
But SD your ARE learning, and I think your T understands alot, but noone can ever totally understand another.
I think this is so hard for you, but manoman, it sounds like you going for it, and calling him less, and getting thru those tough moments?
I wonder if you could chart it somehow? The times its hard, but you make it thru. There is some DBT stuff that you can do to kinda chart your emotions and how they ebb and flow.
And how yopur thots/perceptions can set emotions off.
Anyhow, I think you guys are doing good work, hard work, but good work.
Take care,
M
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 23, 2008, at 7:49:23
In reply to less reassurance, posted by sunnydays on April 22, 2008, at 22:35:11
> So my T doesn't think it's good to reassure me as much anymore -Huh? That is what they are supposed to do!
that doesn't mean he won't do it, but less, like at the end of session he'd do it but in the middle if I say something like, "Do you still like me?" he'll say something like, "It sounds like it's scary to think that I don't like you."
That is psychobabble. The direct answer would be: yes....no, etc.
We talked about it today because it's making me feel not cared about, and he said that he thinks it's better not to be quite so transparent in his reassurance, that we are entering a new stage in therapy.
What is that supposed to mean?!
>
> But I don't like it. And I am sooo mad at him, and so sad. And I just feel helpless, which I've told him, because he can do whatever he wants and I can't do anything about it. And why does he get to just decide something?Exactly.
>
> I know that lately it's also been hard because we've had a couple misunderstandings. But I told him that it feels like he keeps taking things away. And then I said, "You're probably going to say that's not it, but it *is*." And he said, "No, I'd probably feel like something was being taken away too."Then, if he understands that.....why is he doing things to cause you pain?!
>
> It's just so hard. And I called and wanted him to call me because I was so upset, but he called when I was out and said he would call me after 10pm when he was back from some evening engagement if I wanted him to, to leave him a message and let him know. And I just didn't want to bother him having him call that late and he'd probably be tired, and I didn't want to risk my feelings getting hurt on the chance he forgot to call, so I called back and said never mind.That is so sad and so hard....I know.
>
> But it just is so so so so hard. I said as I was leaving, "Do you believe me that this is really really hard?" And he said, "Yes, I believe you. It is really hard, but you are doing a fantastic job. But I understand it's hard."
>
> So he gets it but he doesn't all at the same time. And this hurts so much.Incredibly frustrating and confusing; i would ask him to explain all the things that you don't understand, and KEEP asking until you get it.
If your pain, is because of what is stuff about you, then that is one thing; if it is pain, because of what the t is doing and saying, then that needs to be addressed with the person CAUSING you pain---the T!!
>
> sunnydays
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 23, 2008, at 7:53:27
In reply to less reassurance, posted by sunnydays on April 22, 2008, at 22:35:11
> So my T doesn't think it's good to reassure me as much anymore -Huh? That is what they are supposed to do!
that doesn't mean he won't do it, but less, like at the end of session he'd do it but in the middle if I say something like, "Do you still like me?" he'll say something like, "It sounds like it's scary to think that I don't like you."
That is psychobabble. The direct answer would be: yes....no, etc.
We talked about it today because it's making me feel not cared about, and he said that he thinks it's better not to be quite so transparent in his reassurance, that we are entering a new stage in therapy.
What is that supposed to mean?!
>
> But I don't like it. And I am sooo mad at him, and so sad. And I just feel helpless, which I've told him, because he can do whatever he wants and I can't do anything about it. And why does he get to just decide something?Exactly.
>
> I know that lately it's also been hard because we've had a couple misunderstandings. But I told him that it feels like he keeps taking things away. And then I said, "You're probably going to say that's not it, but it *is*." And he said, "No, I'd probably feel like something was being taken away too."Then, if he understands that.....why is he doing things to cause you pain?!
>
> It's just so hard. And I called and wanted him to call me because I was so upset, but he called when I was out and said he would call me after 10pm when he was back from some evening engagement if I wanted him to, to leave him a message and let him know. And I just didn't want to bother him having him call that late and he'd probably be tired, and I didn't want to risk my feelings getting hurt on the chance he forgot to call, so I called back and said never mind.That is so sad and so hard....I know.
>
> But it just is so so so so hard. I said as I was leaving, "Do you believe me that this is really really hard?" And he said, "Yes, I believe you. It is really hard, but you are doing a fantastic job. But I understand it's hard."
>
> So he gets it but he doesn't all at the same time. And this hurts so much.Incredibly frustrating and confusing; i would ask him to explain all the things that you don't understand, and KEEP asking until you get it.
If your pain, is because of what is stuff about you, then that is one thing; if it is pain, because of what the t is doing and saying, then that needs to be addressed with the person CAUSING you pain---the T!!
>
> sunnydays
Posted by raisinb on April 23, 2008, at 8:54:03
In reply to less reassurance, posted by sunnydays on April 22, 2008, at 22:35:11
Sunnydays, it's totally understandable that you feel awful, like something has been taken away from you. And no, your T shouldn't just decide things like this without asking for your feedback and input. If you keep talking to him about it, I'm sure he'll listen and you can work through it.
However, I do understand what he is doing, and I think it's a valid goal overall. If you just depended on him for reassurance, you'd never get to the stage where you analyzed why you need it, what that says about how you feel about yourself, etc., and you'd be stuck in therapy forever, as opposed to taking what you learn in therapy out into real-life relationships.
In a way, what he's doing is an amazing compliment, because he's telling you that he's confident you're ready to move into the next stage.
I know it sucks that you can't have your caring, reassuring therapist there all the time, but if ou work with him, you can have all that stuff (with other people) and more someday.
Posted by Dinah on April 23, 2008, at 11:49:19
In reply to less reassurance, posted by sunnydays on April 22, 2008, at 22:35:11
I think he gets it. He might be being a bit too positive about it, but I think he gets it.
I think he's handling it as well as a therapist can handle resetting boundaries. He's acknowledging that it's painful, and that it feels hurtful. Perhaps you can guide him on what in his response is and isn't helpful.
Resetting boundaries *hurts* and I wish it never had to be done. It makes me feel a bit angry with therapists, including my own.
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2008, at 12:46:44
In reply to Re: less reassurance, posted by muffled on April 23, 2008, at 0:23:22
Muffled seriously you are so wise and so smart to me anyway. You got it. Wisdom. Love Phillipa
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