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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by danny9ds on April 22, 2008, at 14:47:57
I have been in a relationship with a man for 8 months. He had just divorced his wife of 9 years and has two young kids. He and I get along famoulsy, we like all the same things we laugh and we spend everyday together. Recently I learned he was still in love with his ex, I got really upset and said some things I shouldn't have liek I can't take it and I am done with you etc. He asked for space and somehow we ended back in the relationship after 2 days and continued playing house with his kids etc. Last Saturday I got upset with him again about the boundaries he sets with his ex, she calls and walks in his home as though its hers. I again told him it was not acceptable and I couldn't take it. After that he and I spoke last night and he said he couldn't see a future with me because he is trying to learn who he is as a person. But he loves me and thinks of me as his best friend. I am devastated because I feel as though I have been the one for him, I have gotten him through his pain and brought him back to the point where he finally says he closed the door on his ex and was finally free. Why now does he then want me out of his life? Again, I want to stress that we have a great relationship and the kids and I adore each other. Can you give me some insight on this, I feel so crushed and I feel as though I failed or wasn't good enough for him.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 22, 2008, at 15:25:27
In reply to relationship ended w divorced man w kids, posted by danny9ds on April 22, 2008, at 14:47:57
> I have been in a relationship with a man for 8 months. He had just divorced his wife of 9 years and has two young kids.
People just coming out of a divorce need lots of time to heal; sounds like he jumped from one woman to another without ANY healing time. At LEAST one year (although there is no time frame for emotions) should go by before anyone gets into another relationship.
He has lots of work to do.
What is the reason for his divorce (or what did he tell you).
He and I get along famoulsy, we like all the same things we laugh and we spend everyday together. Recently I learned he was still in love with his ex, I got really upset and said some things I shouldn't have liek I can't take it and I am done with you etc. He asked for space and somehow we ended back in the relationship after 2 days and continued playing house with his kids etc.
This must be very confusing for the kids too; they are grieving and should have time for healing.
Last Saturday I got upset with him again about the boundaries he sets with his ex, she calls and walks in his home as though its hers.
He obviously hasn't set any boundaries with his ex, if she feels free to walk in. He allows it.
I again told him it was not acceptable and I couldn't take it. After that he and I spoke last night and he said he couldn't see a future with me because he is trying to learn who he is as a person.
How old is this man that he doesn't know who he is???!!!
But he loves me; he is still in love with his wife. and thinks of me as his best friend.
Best friends don't treat one another the way he is treating you. Telling you he loves you and then he loves his ex??!!
Childish and disrespectful, BUT you have allowed it (I am NOT judging you, because I have done things I should not have; knowing better)
I am devastated because I feel as though I have been the one for him, I have gotten him through his pain and brought him back to the point where he finally says he closed the door on his ex and was finally free. Why now does he then want me out of his life?
Only HE knows that answer.
Again, I want to stress that we have a great relationship and the kids and I adore each other. Can you give me some insight on this, I feel so crushed and I feel as though I failed or wasn't good enough for him.
It has nothing to do with you. HE has a problem; wishy-washy, flip-flopping......Sounds like he is having his cake and eating it too.
you didn't fail; you gave him what he wanted; support, love, etc......he sounds childish and selfish. He needs to make up his mind; his ex.....or you.......if at this late stage in life, he still doesn't know who he is; that is a HUGE problem; he needs help. It is all very confusing.....You will have to be the one to draw the boundaries here.
I am so sorry.
He needs time to grieve and heal, and so do the children; they could all benefit from some therapy.
He is obviously not ready for ANY other relationship, until he has spent time figuring himself out.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by MissK on April 22, 2008, at 17:46:02
In reply to relationship ended w divorced man w kids, posted by danny9ds on April 22, 2008, at 14:47:57
>I have gotten him through his pain and brought him back to the point where he finally says he closed the door on his ex and was finally free.
Which is probably why he thinks of you as a 'best friend'. You're thinking it's a love relationship, he is saying it isn't or at least not more than the love of a best friend.
When a person says they want space and 'to find themselves' as a person, they usually mean they do not want to commit to a single relationship. He's allowed that if he wants, like any person is allowed that. You are allowed though to make your boundaries too then. Think about what you want from him and what he can realistically and honestly give you. Sit down and talk about what you each want from eachother.
Posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2008, at 20:04:22
In reply to Re: relationship ended w divorced man w kids, posted by MissK on April 22, 2008, at 17:46:02
Agree with above posters. Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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