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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
In therapy this week, I came to this really intense emotional point, where I finally was able to feel, in the session, the anxiety that's been dogging me.
Basically, I'm afraid I'll never get my attachment needs met. And when I feel that, I freak right out!
So, I got to this point in the session. And I started to panic. What do I do now, I asked him?
He said, "I'm just going to be quiet for a minute."
And he hung his head down - no eye contact - and was very still. All I saw was his wedding ring - the light hit it and reflected right in my eye. I felt guilty, like I'd broken him, and then angry because I thought he was supposed to be there for me.
Any thoughts?
Posted by Kath on April 3, 2008, at 17:32:30
In reply to T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
Never happened.
How long did it last & what happened next?
I really wonder if that was a way of your T allowing you to have a chance to stay in what you were feeling a little longer; or to sort of see where you went from there - maybe for info for you or for info for T.
I really think there must have been a reason. I doubt if you 'broke' the T. They have pretty intensive training (or should!!)
If your T & you are at a point where you did the hard work & courageous work to get there, I suspect the T must be skilled & your relationship with T safe enough that you actually got there!!
Congratulations. Please try to see it from a different angle.
I'm wondering what happened next. Your feelings about T doing that - sounds like maybe a great topic for next time. A chance for you to relate how you felt, or the type of impact that had on you.
(((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))
hugs, Kath
PS - I've never had that happen, but I've had the pdoc close her eyes & seem to be asleep!!!! I was disconcerted; kept talking & it was apparent from her answer that she hadn't been alseep. She said that fragrances bothered her & the previous client had had perfume on. I could relate, as they bother me also.
xo K
Posted by DAisym on April 3, 2008, at 18:13:38
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you? » backseatdriver, posted by Kath on April 3, 2008, at 17:32:30
I think I would have freaked a bit - "why? Why are you being quiet? Are you mad?" Sometimes my therapist will suggest that *I* sit with something - like when I can't quite get to the feeling. And he has been quiet before - enough so I'll ask, "What?" Or "What are you thinking?" He tells me when I ask.
I agree with Kath - I think your reaction is something to talk about, especially since you focused on his wedding ring. What does meeting your needs look like? And it is a really scary place to be, to feel those needs. I struggle hugely with this myself.
I'll share something else. I have asked, "what do I do with these feelings?" -especially anger. Almost always he answers a question with a question - what have you tried? What comes to mind? What would you like to do? -- But last week I was in such an agitated state over something that when he answered with a question, I lost it. I yelled, (which is unusual for me, it was a sort of hysterical sobbing/yelling) "No! No questions. Just tell me..." And he did.
This session sounds really important. I'm glad you were able to feel your feelings. But the "now what?" is really scary, isn't it?
Posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:21:38
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you? » backseatdriver, posted by Kath on April 3, 2008, at 17:32:30
Here is what happened next: He was quiet for about twenty seconds. Maybe less. Then he said, "I remember last time you said something about how much you loved your mother."
It was as if he had been trying to retrieve something positive, something to hook onto, so we could both go forward from there.
Posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 18:23:03
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by DAisym on April 3, 2008, at 18:13:38
> But the "now what?" is really scary, isn't it?
Yes, it is. It so is.
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2008, at 20:19:04
In reply to T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
I think Gina did that with Paul, in In Treatment. Maybe your therapist has been watching the series.
All in all, I think I'd prefer that a therapist spend some time gathering his thoughts before speaking, rather than saying something just to fill the silence.
Posted by Kath on April 3, 2008, at 20:48:05
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by Dinah on April 3, 2008, at 20:19:04
> All in all, I think I'd prefer that a therapist spend some time gathering his thoughts before speaking, rather than saying something just to fill the silence.********I agree.
I also think that sounds feasible - finding something positive for you both to be able to go forward with. How did that feel? (if you feel like saying)
Kath
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2008, at 6:01:54
In reply to T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
Maybe he was thinking, OH sh*t! What do I say now and needed a moment to collect his thoughts so he could say something meaningful. I think my T pauses like that, closes his eyes and I can tell he is thinking. So it is probably a good thing and at least he gave you a warning that was what he was doing.
Posted by raisinb on April 4, 2008, at 11:45:22
In reply to T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
Mine starts crying a little sometimes, but she never does that unless I request it in some way (like tell her to stop staring at me, for instance).
He probably had some therapeutic reason for it. I doubt you "broke" or overwhelmed him. But since it is bothering you, it would probably be really helpful to ask him about it next time. You could explore not only why he did it, but also how it felt to you. Sounds like it could be very productive.
Posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2008, at 12:31:18
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you? » backseatdriver, posted by raisinb on April 4, 2008, at 11:45:22
You guys are lucky to have empathetic T's mine just looks hard and cold and then says we need to schedule again. And so far they have all been like that. I pour my heart out and they never smile or look like they care. So you have a keeper. Phillipa
Posted by Maxime on April 4, 2008, at 20:03:35
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you? » backseatdriver, posted by raisinb on April 4, 2008, at 11:45:22
Your T cries while you are in a session? OMG, I would NOT be able to handle that. I don't think it is professional AT ALL.
Posted by Maxime on April 4, 2008, at 20:04:47
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2008, at 12:31:18
> You guys are lucky to have empathetic T's mine just looks hard and cold and then says we need to schedule again. And so far they have all been like that. I pour my heart out and they never smile or look like they care. So you have a keeper. Phillipa
You are always complaining about your T. Why don't you change? I wouldn't pay to see somebody whom I did not like. Shop around. I know there are wait lists in your area, but sometimes waiting is worth it.
Posted by Maxime on April 4, 2008, at 20:06:51
In reply to T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
> He said, "I'm just going to be quiet for a minute."
>
> And he hung his head down - no eye contact - and was very still. All I saw was his wedding ring - the light hit it and reflected right in my eye. I felt guilty, like I'd broken him, and then angry because I thought he was supposed to be there for me.
>
> Any thoughts?
>Um, I would have freaked out and possibly walked out on the session. I don't think you broke him, and I think you should ask him about it next time.
Maxime
Posted by twinleaf on April 6, 2008, at 7:55:24
In reply to T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by backseatdriver on April 3, 2008, at 16:39:19
Gosh. So much was happening all at once in that session. You worked your way towards the basic human question at the heart of all relationships, whether they involve family members, friends or therapists- can you get your basic need for relatedness and connectedness met, even though you didn't have the proper conditions to do so the first time around?
He must have felt overwhelmed or stunned by the question- although I don't think he should have been, since it's THE question at the heart of all psychodynamic therapy. What was he doing during that silent moment? Leaving you alone in the room while he thought his own thoughts? Hiding his face, leaving you to look at his wedding ring and sense how strong his other relationships are just when you are getting in greater touch with how much you need, and care about, your own relationship with him? You must be worrying about whether anything you can do now can make an impact on your earlier deprivations.
I think it would be great to talk about every aspect of this with him- your worries, your anger, your uncertainty, your worries about possibly having been let down. If you are anything like me, and so many others who post here, this is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that happens in therapy- negotiating what is, and is not, possible to get in our therapeutic relationships. Even if you feel a lot of anxiety, and worries about making HIM anxious or angry, it would be so worthwhile to take the risk of trying it.
Posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 16:17:11
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2008, at 12:31:18
> You guys are lucky to have empathetic T's mine just looks hard and cold and then says we need to schedule again. And so far they have all been like that. I pour my heart out and they never smile or look like they care. So you have a keeper. Phillipa
Hi Phillipa - I'm sorry that's been your experience. I didn't like my last therapist...as compared to the one who I can go to short-term through hubby's EAP - she's GREAT. And my 'now' group therapy therapist is WONderful.
Hope you can get on a waiting list to try someone else.
Suggestion: instead of baring your soul at the first session, what about telling briefly, your previous experience, saying what you WOULD like, & asking him/her if that's something they think would work for them?
I wonder if you don't take who comes up on the list, do you have to go to the bottom of the list again? that would suck.
hugs, Kath
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2008, at 17:41:41
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you? » Phillipa, posted by Maxime on April 4, 2008, at 20:04:47
> I don't think it is professional AT ALL.
> You are always complaining about your T. Why don't you change? I wouldn't pay to see somebody whom I did not like.
Maxime, please be sensitive to the feelings of others (such as those who have complaints about their therapists). But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person. And raisinb and Phillipa, I hope you're feeling OK in this thread.
Of course there need to be limits, but I do appreciate it when people are willing to work with me despite my imperfections, and I do try to work with them despite theirs.
I encourage anyone who has questions about this or about posting policies in general, or is interested in alternative ways of expressing themselves, to see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforceFollow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2008, at 20:34:40
In reply to Re: please be sensitive » Maxime, posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2008, at 17:41:41
Dr. Bob I'm okay. I try to ignore the negative. Now that's a positive step isn't it? Love Phillipa
Posted by realitybites on April 6, 2008, at 21:07:21
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2008, at 12:31:18
> You guys are lucky to have empathetic T's mine just looks hard and cold and then says we need to schedule again. And so far they have all been like that. I pour my heart out and they never smile or look like they care. So you have a keeper. Phillipa
I hear you Phillipa! I had several horrible T's, Id go and they would look and be stone cold. No emotion at all. I finally stuck with the last one just because I was so sick of doctor shopping and needed someone and I have finally seen glimpses of caring. When you desparately need a T, one of the hardest things to do is look for a T, such energy and disappointment. I think that the orientation of the T makes a significant difference in empathy levels, but I could be wrong.
Posted by realitybites on April 6, 2008, at 21:08:36
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by realitybites on April 6, 2008, at 21:07:21
Posted by raisinb on April 6, 2008, at 21:33:07
In reply to Re: please be sensitive » Maxime, posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2008, at 17:41:41
Posted by Phillipa on April 6, 2008, at 21:52:53
In reply to Re: T 'takes a moment' - has this happened to you?, posted by realitybites on April 6, 2008, at 21:07:21
Really? The only one ever saw was in the ER and was a new grad and here I am so much older but something clicked unfortunately she doesn't take patients as only works for the hospital. Thanks glad to hear not the only one. Love Phillipa
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