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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
A babble friend e-mailed me and wondered what was up.
It's not that I have been avoiding posting or reading (I read just about every day) but I'm in a place where I feel mostly non-verbal.
My therapist and I are working on some very old memories that I struggle to put into words. She has been helping me put words to the feelings - the loneliness, ugliness, the "I'm a bother" type feelings - but then I stop myself from talking more about them. A sudden wave of nausea overcomes me. Today she reminded me that was fear talking and now I am safe, I'm no longer powerless. She asked me why I felt foolish crying. I have cried in her office many times but this time it feels unstoppable. That the tears won't stop and I'll look and feel stupid.
Me: I'll be all alone.
T: You need to confront this fear so it will no longer have this power over you. You are not that little girl anymore. You believed it was all you and not that your mother struggled with her own mental illness that got pasted onto you.
Me: I was hoping when I said 'I'll be all alone' you would have said, 'But you are not alone, I'm right here.'
T: Yes, of course I'm right here, that goes without saying, I assume you know that I'm always right here. You worry that I'll reject you and I won't. I'm not that person.
Just about at that moment, I could hear her next client come into her waiting room so even though the tears began to fall, I didn't say much afterwards.
I read what Fallsfall wrote to Dinah (in a post above) about just "being" in the therapy room without trying to analyze the feelings before the therapist does. I think I'm moving slowly in that direction. Dumping all these thoughts onto her lap - daring, "Now what?". When I told her what I wished she would have said, that was big for me. I told her what I needed - plain and clear. And she didn't get mad or angry or rejecting.
When time was up I said, "Monday seems so far away, what am I supposed to do with all these feelings?"
Instead of showing me the door, she gave me a little analogy to ponder. "It's like you have been walking with a stone in your shoe. You keep trying to ignore the stone but it's bothering your feet. So you take out the stone and examine it - 'So this is the little devil that has been causing my foot so much pain' - you look at the stone from all directions, you even hold it in your hand, until one day you finally toss the stone and realize that you are much more comfortable with yourself without holding the stone in your shoes."
If only life AND therapy were that simple. I get her point. I think I just took the stone out of my shoe and am examining it.
I'm liking Dinah's river rock more and more.
Posted by Phillipa on April 3, 2008, at 17:22:26
In reply to In the thick of things ..., posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
So if my interpretation is right she wants you to examine your life? And tears are very healing. So sounds like you're on the right track as well as T.Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on April 3, 2008, at 18:22:02
In reply to In the thick of things ..., posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
It is amazing to me how physically sick fear can make us. And the anxiety of need is the biggest fear of all. Better not to need, better not to risk rejection.
You are doing such great work. Deep and painful, I know. But what a huge thing, to tell her, right then, what you'd hoped for. How many times did you walk away from your mom, wind out of your sails, without her ever knowing?
It is a hard thing to unlearn - this keeping quiet when our feelings are hurt or we are disappointed. I'm not talking about have a tantrum or always complaining - but there is a middle ground. Silence, stuffing - these are not middle ground options.
And I HATE it when I finally get to those big feelings and we are out of time. This has happened a lot over the past few weeks. I wonder if I'm protecting myself unknowingly from having to stay with the feelings for very long.
I like the analogy. But I agree - it isn't that simple. We know it is OK to throw away a stone. But it doesn't seem OK to throw away our mothers - so their voices stick in our heads. If only there was a way to turn mothers to stone...
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2008, at 20:24:44
In reply to In the thick of things ..., posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
It sounds as if she's being wonderful. And it also sounds to me as if there's a lot of trust in that room. That you're feeling old old pain and hurt and feeling safe enough to bring it to her.
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2008, at 6:05:58
In reply to In the thick of things ..., posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
Sounds like a good session and yeah for you for saying what you needed to hear. I think you are doing great work, those old memories are are to deal with and you need to know your T is with you. Even on some level you might have known that, but sometimes I think we just need to hear them say it. Take care of yourself.
Posted by raisinb on April 4, 2008, at 11:51:58
In reply to In the thick of things ..., posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
I think it's amazing what you were able to say to her--"I wish you'd said..." Very, very brave.
The stone metaphor is so cool. I love things like that, and I wish my T were better at them.
Fifty minutes is NOT long enough. I wish therapists would realize that :(
Take care of yourself. It sounds like you are doing amazing work. I'm in awe.
Posted by Fallsfall on April 4, 2008, at 18:56:26
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by DAisym on April 3, 2008, at 18:22:02
Are you a little angry at your mom?
(((Daisy)))
Posted by Fallsfall on April 4, 2008, at 19:03:01
In reply to In the thick of things ..., posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
(((Annierose)))
You are doing really hard work. She is there with you, she will help you. You are doing a great job.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 21:54:57
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by Phillipa on April 3, 2008, at 17:22:26
Yes, I feel I'm on the right track. Thank you for your encouragment.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 22:04:54
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by DAisym on April 3, 2008, at 18:22:02
There was lots of good parts in this session. And the words slip away as I try to recall them.
At one point she gently said, "I think you want to share those feelings with me." "I think I have to, they are right here." T: "Do you worry I'll reject you or them?" Me: "I worry that they'll take over."
My brain tosses ideas back and forth shifting through what is true? what might be true? what feeling fits? It's hard finding the right language, the right set of words. I find myself correcting some of her verbs and adjectives ... like Goldilocks search for 'just right'.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 22:07:41
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by DAisym on April 3, 2008, at 18:22:02
It's hard to angry with my mother. She is so weak and fragile. I recently described her (since my brother died) as a tortured soul. I'm beginning to feel empathy for her.
However, if I think about the neglect or financial doings, I can start to feel angry.
It's so complicated.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 22:11:41
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by Dinah on April 3, 2008, at 20:24:44
I often feel I only post when there is a rupture in the relationship. I do think my t is wonderful. And I trust her insights more and more.
There has been a subtle shift in the therapy room over the past 6 months. I asked her if she has noticed it and she said "yes". I'm not sure I can describe the difference but part of it is less about what's going on today and more about the old hurts.
Thank you for keeping me in mind.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 22:12:37
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ..., posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2008, at 6:05:58
Thank you for your kind words.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 22:15:15
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by raisinb on April 4, 2008, at 11:51:58
Lucky you ... I only get 45 minutes ... which is standard operating procedure in my state. Bummer .. isn't it?
The more I practice with telling her what pops into my head at the moment, the easier it gets. The first few times are scary though. I learned a lot from fellow babblers through the years. You have to trust the relationship enough to expose those old fears.
Posted by Annierose on April 4, 2008, at 22:17:10
In reply to Re: In the thick of things ... » Annierose, posted by Fallsfall on April 4, 2008, at 19:03:01
Thank you Falls. I miss seeing you on the boards. But I'm glad things are falling into place for you.
I hope we can get together soon for some coloring, ice cream, walks and playing board games.
This is the end of the thread.
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