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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 17:21:18
Sorry I haven't answered anyone in the thread I posted above, I just haven't been up to it. Today was a fine session, but then it felt like it ended abruptly and then my T remembered he wouldn't be here when I normally see him the second time in the week, so I won't see him for a whole week. That makes me sad.
I just felt like I wasn't quite saying what I wanted to say today, and like he wasn't quite getting what I wanted to say but didn't know how to say. I did figure it out and emailed him, and he wrote back just a small response, but it felt better to be acknowledged that he knows how hard it is for me. We've been talking lately about why that feels good, why I feel this need to have my hurt acknowledged by people, how it's normal, but why the caring that I am getting from people in my life never feels like enough.
But I feel like I have pulled my feelings back lately in session, and I said that in the email. That my feelings have been getting hurt a lot lately, and I feel like I've pulled back a little to avoid getting hurt. But that at the same time there is this tremendous want to just let myself trust him and depend on him totally, just for a second, and not fight with myself so much about it. And so there is this huge tension within myself, that is hard to grasp for me and hard to express, but that I hope we can talk about.
Also, I had an odd experience earlier this week. My T didn't seem to think it was that weird, but it felt weird. I basically had a conversation with myself. Out loud. The little girl part of me was really upset because I wouldn't let her send an email over the weekend because I didn't want to stress my T out. So the adult part of me talked to her and asked her why it was important to her and why she was sad and things like that. And it was weird because I felt totally calm in the adult part of me, and then I would interrupt that part of me almost with the little girl part because she was so upset. And it was seriously like a conversation. Anyone have ideas?
Anyway, sorry I haven't been around lately. Just having a hard time.
sunnydays
Posted by raisinb on April 1, 2008, at 18:51:57
In reply to pulling back, posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 17:21:18
A former therapist of mine, who was a little more new-agey (actually a LOT more) than the one I have now encouraged me to identify different voices I have in my head and use on myself. Then I was supposed to do imagery with the different "people" in my head.
It worked for me at the time. I was able to identify an "inner child," and what she wanted (desperately, what she wanted at the time was to be allowed to wear boys' clothes, instead of being the perfect little girl expected by her mother), and a critical "b*tch" who never let up on everyone else. I don't have "parts" in the real sense, but identifying the inner conversations was interesting. Your experience reminded me of that.
I think it's from Gestalt theory, originally? I might be wrong.
Posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 20:02:40
In reply to pulling back, posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 17:21:18
Oh yeah, wanted to clarify that the conversation wasn't when I was in T... it was when I was at home and really upset and missing my T.
Thanks for the response, raisinb - sounds a lot like my T - he's really into that kind of stuff too.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2008, at 21:17:42
In reply to pulling back, posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 17:21:18
I think it might be healthy to sometimes listen to that part of us that feels no need to be rational or say the "right" things. And to respect those feelings. But there is also the reality that we have to be adult and responsible and respectful of others.
I've split those two way too far apart, and it causes me trouble sometimes in that I don't always recognize what I'm feeling. So that would be my only caution.
The nice thing about long term therapy is that there will be times when we pull back, or don't feel close, or feel hurt, or scared. But that isn't the end. There will also be times we feel connected and cared for. There is time for all of that.
You said your therapist recently lost a client to suicide? Is it making a difference in his attitude and behavior?
Posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 21:34:42
In reply to Re: pulling back » sunnydays, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2008, at 21:17:42
I don't think so - he seemed pretty much the same today (minus his newly sprained ankle). It was before that, but he just seems a little bit less reassuring lately, but that might be because of what we've been working on. But I do trust him when he says he can take care of himself... except for the part of me that doesn't believe it at all...
sunnydays
Posted by Daisym on April 2, 2008, at 0:09:29
In reply to Re: pulling back » Dinah, posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 21:34:42
I often let the parts write in alternating voices. It helps sort out all the conflicting feelings. And I'll hear different responses in my head to things.
I've been known to pace around and talk to myself. Lucky for me, I give lots of speeches and people usually assume I'm just practicing. :)
But giving voice to things and talking to yourself is a great way to soothe yourself. I think it stops the looping that can occur when we keep the thoughts quiet.
And I like what Dinah said - things do ebb and flow - we feel connected and then not and then connected again. I do wish there was a way to anchor ourselves; I'm personnally working on being a barnacle.
Posted by sunnydays on April 2, 2008, at 10:18:56
In reply to Re: pulling back, posted by Daisym on April 2, 2008, at 0:09:29
Thanks Daisy. It was very soothing at the time, actually. I like the image of being a barnacle... I'd like to get to that point too. :) Of course, then there's the other part of me that thinks that must be horribly wrong to want... there's a great tension in me lately between wanting to let myself be totally dependent on my T and wanting to be really independent... I think I need to work on finding some sort of middle ground.
sunnydays
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