Posted by sunnydays on April 1, 2008, at 17:21:18
Sorry I haven't answered anyone in the thread I posted above, I just haven't been up to it. Today was a fine session, but then it felt like it ended abruptly and then my T remembered he wouldn't be here when I normally see him the second time in the week, so I won't see him for a whole week. That makes me sad.
I just felt like I wasn't quite saying what I wanted to say today, and like he wasn't quite getting what I wanted to say but didn't know how to say. I did figure it out and emailed him, and he wrote back just a small response, but it felt better to be acknowledged that he knows how hard it is for me. We've been talking lately about why that feels good, why I feel this need to have my hurt acknowledged by people, how it's normal, but why the caring that I am getting from people in my life never feels like enough.
But I feel like I have pulled my feelings back lately in session, and I said that in the email. That my feelings have been getting hurt a lot lately, and I feel like I've pulled back a little to avoid getting hurt. But that at the same time there is this tremendous want to just let myself trust him and depend on him totally, just for a second, and not fight with myself so much about it. And so there is this huge tension within myself, that is hard to grasp for me and hard to express, but that I hope we can talk about.
Also, I had an odd experience earlier this week. My T didn't seem to think it was that weird, but it felt weird. I basically had a conversation with myself. Out loud. The little girl part of me was really upset because I wouldn't let her send an email over the weekend because I didn't want to stress my T out. So the adult part of me talked to her and asked her why it was important to her and why she was sad and things like that. And it was weird because I felt totally calm in the adult part of me, and then I would interrupt that part of me almost with the little girl part because she was so upset. And it was seriously like a conversation. Anyone have ideas?
Anyway, sorry I haven't been around lately. Just having a hard time.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:821029
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/821029.html