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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 16:27:54
I wish I could OD. :-(
Why do I keep reading triggering threads?
I just went to pharmacy yesterday so I have a month's supply of three meds.
I need to stop thinking about this. :-(
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 16:28:39
In reply to I feel really bad, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 16:27:54
Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2008, at 16:47:56
In reply to I feel really bad, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 16:27:54
Deneb. I would care very much if you hurt yourself.
And I also care very much that you feel so bad. You don't have to hurt yourself to prove how bad you feel. I hear it.
Your job has been an area where you do really well. It must have been a shock to be told you need improvement. Were they specific enough that you understand what you need to do?
And you were brave enough to reach out in a real life way, and the results weren't what you hoped for. Ouch. :(
I know that you know that doing what you are obsessing about doing hasn't gotten you what you've wanted in the past. And that chances are good that people won't hear the message you're trying to send if you do it now either.
I really admire how self aware you are! It's great that you know what it is you're looking for. Many people go through their whole lives without achieving that.
How about getting those meds where you can't do anything you'll regret later. And talking about how it feels to get a review that isn't as good as you'd been expecting? And about what happened with Tomato guy?
I know. I told my therapist today that the tools available for when I feel really really bad or really really angry seem so small. Like trying to mop up a gushing flood with a handful of towels and a whisk broom. And that it needed something equally big to confront so many many bad feelings.
Like love. Like the fact that I care about him, and don't want to do anything that hurts him. And I care about my son and don't want to do anything to hurt them.
I care about you very much, Deneb. It would hurt me to see you hurt, even by yourself. I'm not sure how big my caring is against the flood of bad feelings. But maybe it can go a little ways? And if you add all the people who care, it will go further? And if you lessen the pressure a bit by talking about all the things that are upsetting you, maybe all those things will add up to deal with the flood of feelings?
Along with trying to avoid triggers, getting rid of any obvious temptations, and calling your pdoc before the weekend to see if she has any medication ideas to keep you well?
Posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 17:02:07
In reply to Re: I feel really bad » Deneb, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2008, at 16:47:56
Thanks for caring Dinah.
I shouldn't even make such a big deal out of my needs improvement. We get monitored many times in a 500 hour period. Monitoring occurs when the people tap our phone lines and make sure we are upholding the standards.
Getting one needs improvement in a 500 hour period is very good. This means that just 5% of my total monitoring form marks. As long as I don't get another needs improvement, I should get my bonuses.
I'm just perfectionistic about my work. I want to be perfect. I know what I did wrong. I can watch out for it in the future.
Things with tomato guy are not going well. It's been nearly 2 weeks and he still hasn't emailed me yet. Plus, he's avoiding me at work. It just hurts. I took a big risk giving out that note and I'm afraid this is put me off initiating conversations from now on.
I just want to be friends with Tomato guy. What is so scary about that? I just wish he would tell me what's wrong so I'll understand.
Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2008, at 17:18:31
In reply to Re: I feel really bad » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 17:02:07
> I'm just perfectionistic about my work. I want to be perfect. I know what I did wrong. I can watch out for it in the future.
Boy, do I understand. I used to get so upset if I didn't get a great test score. It's so hard for me not to hold myself to higher standards than I probably should.
But you know what you did wrong, you can watch out for it in the future. It was a learning experience. (I hate learning experiences.)
> Things with tomato guy are not going well. It's been nearly 2 weeks and he still hasn't emailed me yet. Plus, he's avoiding me at work. It just hurts. I took a big risk giving out that note and I'm afraid this is put me off initiating conversations from now on.
>
> I just want to be friends with Tomato guy. What is so scary about that? I just wish he would tell me what's wrong so I'll understand.It would be nice if that happened. It would make for a lot of those unpleasant learning experiences. But a lot of times, it's not going to happen.
He did say at some point that he wasn't really ready for a relationship, didn't he? And that some personal stuff was going on with him?
Maybe he's just too embarrassed to say anything directly. So he's indirectly telling you that this isn't something he's ready for or is open to. For whatever reason. Yes, it hurts. But there's nothing you can do to change it.
I'm absolutely no use in the interpersonal department. I am socially anxious myself. But maybe some of your other friends could (or maybe even have?) given you some idea if your approaches to Tomato guy are within the normal comfort zones of relationship approaches?
I'm really sorry you feel so bad right now, Deneb. Is there anything you can do to express that? I have zero artistic skills, but sometimes I wish I could express how I feel through art or music.
And, and this is just something that I'm aware of in myself, so it may not apply to you. But when I start obsessing about hurting myself, I usually find out I'm angry at someone or something or some situation. And that it helps the obsessions to figure out what or who I'm mad at, and express it verbally to my therapist. Is it possible you're angry about something right now?
Posted by rskontos on March 21, 2008, at 17:34:38
In reply to Re: I feel really bad » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 17:02:07
Deneb,
Too many of my Babblers are feeling really bad and talking about od'ing or did it so please really take care here.
A wise babbler told me when I told him I had suicidal thoughts that he thought maybe it was just that I wanted to free my soul of the pain i was in and not that I really wanted to be well you know. Is this perhaps the case for you. You just want to be free of pain. If so I can relate and so can so many of us here at Babble.
Pain from the rejection of a guy you liked that you are now thinking is not liking you, pain from trying hard at work and it doesn't seem to be enough. But Deneb you are enough for work, and this tomato guy, well maybe he needs time or maybe he isn't the right one. There are others out there. I applaud you for taking a chance on him, and taking a risk and exposing yourself. You did a brave, risky, caring thing in that. And instead of feeling bad, I think you should think about how much effort that took and give yourself a hug for it. How hard that was to do in the first place. I remember the post you posted when you got him the tomato because he liked them. And you gave it too him. You took a chance. It maybe not be working out but you prove to yourself you did it once and you CAN do it again. So be sad for a little while that he isn't the right one, and then move on to a better situation. And when the time is right just say hi to him and let him know in a smile or a hi, that you can be friends. That it is ok.
And at work, all you can do is your best. And that is good enough. Needs improvement just means the boss has a reason for being around. So pooh on them. That does not define you.
Please just take care so you can be here at Babble a long time. Ok.
we care.
rsk
Posted by Angela2 on March 21, 2008, at 17:56:45
In reply to Re: I feel really bad » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 17:02:07
Deneb, I understand how you feel about Tomato guy. Sometimes things don't work out between people. Or one person wants to have a relationship and the other person doesn't. I've been through this as well. And I've been hurt. the important thing to remember is, don't quit reaching out. Don't let this experience bring you down (although it's hard not to let it bring u down!). There are other interesting wonderful and loving people out there in this big world and even in our small towns. Just remember that, k? ((((deneb))))
Posted by Phillipa on March 21, 2008, at 21:30:58
In reply to Re: I feel really bad, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2008, at 17:18:31
Dinah funny but not funny same here but since hardly ever see therapist I'll bang my hand hard on something. Or something else like that.
Deneb think you should give the pills to a family member and say I don't want to lose them so you will be safe? Phillipa
Posted by nfc on March 24, 2008, at 7:56:08
In reply to Re: I feel really bad » Dinah, posted by Deneb on March 21, 2008, at 17:02:07
oh i want to tell my story, ...again but I would bore rk so I'm not. just know the crazy thing called love and liking others although seems so right yet has its bugs (oh yes) or quirks. my illness screwd things up w/ just being friends w/ girls and bums me out now that i kinda get the cold shoulder from them now. i just gotta try overlook it even though i'd like it to just be normal since we all kinda work in a close environment at work. but can't have everything and i have other issues still to worry about. and you may have to realize you may not get a email response (oh i know 2 months and counting, over 4 years from the first encounter --a whole other story) but should you feel the need to if u ever bump into him at work u might try the friendly direct approach. count the cost and ask others like here first what they think though. but i don't know the whole story, if there's a previous post, i don't mind reading it. sorry for my blabbing. but yeah hang in there and take care.
nfc
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