![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
Hi All,
I was in therapy for about five years. I've been out for over a year.
I went back for an issue this week. I realized in going back that I was "done." It was a great feeling. I actually felt more done in going back a year later than I did during my last session.
My therapist, however, thought I was coming back. I did say, before scheduling the appointment, that I didn't know if I was coming back or not.
I think she was disappointed and she brought up some ideas for me if I wanted to continue with therapy. She didn't push though.
My question is this: do I owe her an email or call saying I'm not coming back regularly? I'm vacillating as to whether or not this is taking care of her vs. just moving on. I also don't want to be rude.
I did say I'd think about it.
I guess I'm wondering if I owe her anything relative to getting back to her or if I can just leave it as open ended.
Thoughts?
Thanks!
Posted by Daisym on January 30, 2008, at 12:25:28
In reply to Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
I'm so glad you are feeling so well and strong. And it is nice to hear that you could pop back in when you had an issue to sort out. :)
I don't think you "owe" your therapist anything except your respect, honesty and to pay her for her work. But that said, wouldn't you let any other person know your decision if you left it at "I'll think about it"?
I've come to the conclusion that too many think that therapy is somehow excluded from the general rules of polite behavior or common courtesies. I know that honesty prevails during sessions but I just can't buy that simply saying, "I'm good but thanks" is anything but nice. Are you taking care of her? Maybe but so what?
I promise I'm not ranting at you. I just think we can analyze any and all behavior for hidden motives. Sometimes it is relevent. Sometimes late is just late.
Posted by Phillipa on January 30, 2008, at 12:30:53
In reply to Re: Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Daisym on January 30, 2008, at 12:25:28
Well not a theraphy veteran but I'd think if you needed her again in the future and like her that a coutesy e-mail or call saying something like thank-you so much for seeing me I feel much better but would like to keep options open for future theraphy although at this time I feel I'm not in need of it. You helped with my current problem thank -you so much. Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on January 30, 2008, at 13:14:38
In reply to Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
Rigby
I would say in today's world of email, and lost manners (saying you or anyone on Babble has done this just society in general), I would send her either a handwritten or typed note with payment unless you already did that or at the very least an email or phone message to say, I am done due to all the hard work we both put in. And thanks for this visit. If the need should arise again, you want the door to remain open.
rsk
Posted by vwoolf on January 30, 2008, at 13:43:06
In reply to Re: Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by rskontos on January 30, 2008, at 13:14:38
Funny, I may be completely wrong, but it almost feels as if you are acting out some kind of anger or revenge by not automatically doing the polite thing. Do you feel angry with her? Or as if you want to get back at her, now that you have the upper hand and are strong enough not to need her?
Just a thought....
Wish I was in your place, though.
Posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 13:44:48
In reply to Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
Thanks everyone for your in-put!
I did pay her right after I left so that's done. But I think a nice note, like y'all have said, thanking her and saying I'm going to hold off is the right, polite thing to do.
Thanks again!
Posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 16:53:55
In reply to Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
Hi All,
I was about to write an email or give a call later on today when I got back from working out and there was an email from her.
It said that she had understood something retrospectively and she would like to meet with me again. And she wants me to schedule a date with her.
Huh. This is kind of strange. And heck, it's another $100. I'd be happy to hear from her but I hesitate to put down another hundred bucks. Am I being a jerk about this?? Set me straight here!
VWoolf, interesting comment. The only thing I can think of is that she seemed a **tiny** bit contrary (really slight) and I've felt her to be more agreeable at times. I didn't think it was any big deal. I did and do feel completed but, well, now...huh...I don't know.
Help???
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 17:50:24
In reply to Uh Oh--Update, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 16:53:55
I'd feel rather awkward about my therapist asking me to come in, whether than vice versa, when I'd be paying. If you think you would benefit from coming in again, that's fine. If she thinks this insight and understanding is so important that she's willing to share it at her cost, that's also fine. But if you feel like you're finished, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you appreciate her thinking of you but you've thought about what you discussed and you don't feel further therapy is necessary at this point.
It is a bit of a cliffhanger though, isn't it? I'd be itching to find out what she was thinking.
You know, this sort of makes me think about something from my own therapeutic past. When I used to quit periodically, I'd always be upset that my therapist would let me go after a final session and not contact me further. But I can see his dilemma. Even if he didn't think I was ready to quit, and even if he didn't think it was in my best interests, after he tried to convince me of that in the final session it would be awkward for him to call and invite me to pay him more.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 30, 2008, at 18:24:57
In reply to Re: Uh Oh--Update » Rigby, posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 17:50:24
wow, that IS a toughie
I would still send the card, but follow up with a communication and ask her to explain on the phone (or email) specifically why she thinks that you may benefit from another session. Tell her that your time and energy are precious, so it would be nice to know ahead of time what she had in mind.
(I'm glad your done--- well, kinda done. Medium well done, I guess)
ll
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 18:27:16
In reply to Re: Uh Oh--Update, posted by llurpsienoodle on January 30, 2008, at 18:24:57
It would ease the feeling of being tantalized. :)
Posted by annierose on January 30, 2008, at 22:36:49
In reply to That's a good idea! » llurpsienoodle, posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 18:27:16
I'm guess I'm more curious. I would go. It can't hurt - yes - I know - it's expensive - but I would want to hear what she had to say. If in the past 5 years you found her to be helpful, then you can trust she has something to share.
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 23:46:31
In reply to Re: That's a good idea!, posted by annierose on January 30, 2008, at 22:36:49
You're a much nicer person than I am, Annierose. :)
Even as it is, my cynical side rears its ugly head far too often in therapy and whispers all sorts of nasty things about my therapist.
Posted by Rigby on January 31, 2008, at 11:06:43
In reply to Re: That's a good idea! » annierose, posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 23:46:31
Hi All,
Per your good advise, I called and left a message. I asked if she could call me back so we could chat briefly about her email.
I also asked a friend of mine who's a therapist. She said it's very rare for a therapist to call and ask a client to come in--and she said the few times she's done it she's had to really sift through all of her motivations. She said a lot comes into play for therapists and they are human too: they may feel insecure about their practice, they may really like and want you as a client, they may have trouble letting go. She said all these things should be examined before asking a client to come in.
She also said since I saw her for five years that she definitely should talk to me to give me a feel for what she's thinking so I can make the call as to whether or not I want to come back in.
I'll keep everyone posted. I called around 6 last night and haven't heard back yet.
Posted by Daisym on January 31, 2008, at 23:38:25
In reply to I Called, posted by Rigby on January 31, 2008, at 11:06:43
I hope you hear back from her soon. It sounds like you have a very thoughtful friend. I just wanted to say that there have been a couple of occasions where my therapist has called and asked me to come in - particularly when I've canceled my appointment due to upset feelings or a misunderstanding with him.
I think who the client is and what the major issue is must be considered. For me, because I struggle so much with my attachment to my therapist and I worry a huge amount about being a pain in the a&& - he is very careful to never send the message that he doesn't care -- in fact he is very overt in his caring because of that. He always says, "I understand why you might not want to come and it is your choice, of course but I'd really like it if we could sit down and talk about this, etc." So he leaves it to me, but he reaches out.
I know a lot of therapists wouldn't do this. But I would have left therapy a long time ago if he didn't - mostly out of fear.
Just my 2 cents, for what is worth.
Posted by Rigby on February 1, 2008, at 0:35:32
In reply to Re: I Called » Rigby, posted by Daisym on January 31, 2008, at 23:38:25
Hi All,
Thanks again for all of your thoughts.
She called and, well, it went pretty badly.
She had no great insights. And I was, as it turns out, pretty angry for her doing this. On Tuesday I felt good, settled and done. I was going to write a nice thank you note and be done.
I took notes on the call. And I'm dumbfounded. She had nothing to say beyond the obvious.
So I'm not sure why she called. But I'm not happy about it. I feel that my boundaries were, once again, because she's messed up before with me more than once, violated.
Her main point was that people don't let me leave because they push their needs over mine. She said it was hard for her to call because she realized I could conclude the same thing about her.
I think she was upset because there was a chance I might have come back had she really had something compelling to say when I saw her earlier in the week. But this really backfired.
Anyway, I'm left feeling pretty lousy and unresolved. And really mad at her for doihg this.
I'll take *any* suggestions and advise you guys might have. I need it.
Thanks again.
Posted by Dinah on February 1, 2008, at 1:07:02
In reply to Update-It Did Not Go Well, posted by Rigby on February 1, 2008, at 0:35:32
I'm sorry it didn't go well.
I guess all I can say is that maybe this is a chance for you to not only feel settled and done yourself, but to also totally accept that she's just human and has her own imperfections. I can understand why you're angry. But I think there's a certain benefit in having the distance and perspective to shake your head and smile ruefully and admit that she's pretty much being the same her she always was. You say she has problems with boundaries? You can accept that yes, she was helpful for you and you're grateful, but that yes, she does have some issues herself.
I'm not saying this for her benefit but for your own, so that you can hopefully get back the peace you had when you left her.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 1, 2008, at 7:53:11
In reply to Update-It Did Not Go Well, posted by Rigby on February 1, 2008, at 0:35:32
rigby (is that like the mouse?)
the call went well for you- you found out what her purpose was, you found out that you didn't need to hear what she had to say, and you took notes and demonstrated a lot of psychological insight.
no no- the call did not go well at all for your T! She fumbled. She violated your boundaries, or at least toe-d the line.
I'm sorry that her lack of T-judgment left you feeling unsettled. it's gonna take some time and journalling to sort that stuff out.
-Ll
best to you
Posted by JoniS on February 1, 2008, at 7:53:46
In reply to Update-It Did Not Go Well, posted by Rigby on February 1, 2008, at 0:35:32
Hey Rigby
Sorry it didn't go well. I see why this would be upsetting. The good thing is that you are able to see that she now made, and has made some boundary violations. When I read that she called, I was very surprised that a professional would do that. I beleive that the only time a call from the therapist to ask to come in is a situation like Daisy mentioned, and even then, it should only be if there was a cancellation by an upset client that the t has been working with and is concerned about their safety.
I would try to chalk it up to a difficult learning experience and determine that if you decide to do any therapy in the future, it will be with someone else.
You have handled this well, I believe.
Joni
Posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 11:30:47
In reply to Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
I'm sorry, Rigby. I hate it when I've just managed to maintain good feelings about things, and my T goes and ruins it!
On the other hand, I admire you for knowing that you are done and seeing things so clearly. Looks like your therapy worked.
Posted by rskontos on February 1, 2008, at 17:44:28
In reply to Re: Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by raisinb on February 1, 2008, at 11:30:47
Rigby, you mentioned that you had a friend who was a therapist. and you ran by this friend the fact that your therapist called and etc. I would run this by the friend/therapist and see their take on it. Because the therapist/friend said was out of the ordinary I would say that she wås trying to hang on, couldnt let go, and when she was trying to tell you her newest revelations they must have sounded lame to even her and she fumbled. Regain your peace by realizing that she too is human and she just showed you her humanity. Now you owe her nothing. And if you ever need another one, get a recommendation from your therapist/friend. I would say the days that you need this one are numbered. It seems she is having the hard time letting go and you are fine...instead of feeling bad you should feel like you did all you could and found you are still good...rsk
Posted by DAisym on February 1, 2008, at 18:06:14
In reply to Update-It Did Not Go Well, posted by Rigby on February 1, 2008, at 0:35:32
"Her main point was that people don't let me leave because they push their needs over mine."
I don't get this at all - that was why she called you? I'm going to assume this had something to do with why you made a "tune-up" appointment in the first place - otherwise it seems kind of random.
Sometimes it takes some time to let intense feelings die away some and you can regain your inner peace. Hopefully this will be the case here - it is her stuff, not yours and you seem clear about that. I almost feel sad for her - I wonder what she thinks now, post phone call.
I agree with everyone else - you handled it all very well. It is a reminder that there are always two people in therapy, regardless of who is the so-called patient.
Posted by Phillipa on February 1, 2008, at 19:48:20
In reply to Re: Update-It Did Not Go Well, posted by DAisym on February 1, 2008, at 18:06:14
Also agree with the others and sounds like she may have issues of her own. Wonder how full her schedule is? Phillipa
Posted by Rigby on February 4, 2008, at 14:18:13
In reply to Revisiting Therapy-After Long Break, posted by Rigby on January 30, 2008, at 12:13:43
First off, thank you all so much for your responses and support. I felt really lousy for a few days. I had resigned myself to basically having to take a step back and be philosophical--we're all human--some plusses, some minuses, good to be aware that my therapist was screwy in some ways, helpful in many others.
And then I thought: it's my therapy, my hard earned dollars and my decision on how I want to look back on it. Maybe I can take back some control and try and have a more positive view. Maybe seeing her and hearing her out and having a better connection than what I had on the phone would help.
So, I emailed her and I'm meeting with her again, tonight.
The risk is she's whacky and I'm upset and I still don't get the positive feelings I'd like. The upside is I feel better about it.
Will keep y'all posted and, again, thanks so much!
Posted by Rigby on February 4, 2008, at 14:58:23
In reply to Here Is The Latest, posted by Rigby on February 4, 2008, at 14:18:13
My friend who is a therapist sent me this--it's hysterical. It's a piece in the New Yorker about the "last session."
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/01/28/080128sh_shouts_kenney
Posted by Rigby on February 6, 2008, at 17:13:44
In reply to Here Is The Latest, posted by Rigby on February 4, 2008, at 14:18:13
Hi All,
I met with her Monday night. Got sick Tuesday. Not so super this Tuesday. Anyway, it was a good idea to meet. She seemed to have a very deep understanding of why I wanted to see her again. I think it took her some time to cogitate on things. I called her on everything. And I told her I was highly ticked off. She wasn't defensive of the criticisms and mostly very excited to hear how mad I could get.
She explained that she finds me to be charming (kinda embarassed to hear it) which makes it hard for her sometimes to not get sucked into that. She said she struggles with really enjoying me and trying to help me. She said that her enjoying me so much isn't helpful to me. But on the other hand, it is helpful to have a good rapport.
We agreed on the issue at hand--it's a deep one--and I will see her for a time around it. But it's in my hands as to how often, etc.
We'll see how it goes. I am hopeful that this issue, once resolved, will resolve a lot for me--in my life and in my therapy.
Thanks again for everyone's support!
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.