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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
I've had an eventful few days, and I'm going to offer up a progress report -- more for myself, to practice tooting my own horn, than for anyone else, but I'm happy to share with you all...
First of all, I expressed anger the other day, I don't have to ask anyone else to know that I expressed it appropriately, and I did it to a doctor -- and I've got problems dealing with doctors in general, so this was a major milestone for me. (He walked in 45 minutes late, and smiled, said, "How are you?" as he reached to shake my hand. I shook his hand, and answered, "I'm very angry -- my appointment was for 45 minutes ago. Other than that, [insert report on what brought me to his office in the first place]" I could see that he was uncomfortable, and I just didn't say another word about the late start. This afternoon, I'll tell my T about it.
I decided to fire that doctor. The office staff is distinctly unhelpful, he's not offering a level of care I'm happy with, he's consistently late for appointments -- which wouldn't be quite such an issue, if I were happier with the care he offered -- and I've decided I've given him enough chances to prove himself. Therefore, I've dubbed him "Dr NotWorthWaitingFor," and will be seeking another orthopedist.
For those of you who don't know me well, this next part may not seem like such a big deal, but -- I'm replacing my car. On Tuesday, after that appointment, I decided to go look at a used car that I'd been interested in. I've been looking at it on the dealer's website for weeks, and it's the model -- 'though not the year -- that I've been looking at for the past year. That's ever since my trusted and well liked mechanic told me that it really was time to replace my beloved car. The things that are wrong with my current car are now too expensive to repair -- Blue Book is about $550, repairs are about $3000 -- so, I decided a year ago I'd have to start looking. First, I decided to replace it with virtually the same car, but newer. I was planning to pay cash, as I always have, for a very, very basic car -- it's a tool, not an accessory, etc. My usual Puritanical view of what sort of car is appropriate for me. My husband "encouraged" (read: nagged) me to choose something else, something nicer, fancier, more expensive, more comfortable.
It's kinda funny, in our marriage counseling session where we talked about this, he said, "But you can buy any car you want!" I said, "Fine -- I'll take a bare bones Corolla." He said, "Anything -- except that." Well, I didn't listen, went to the local Toyota dealer -- and saw a Saab convertible on the lot. Back when I was in college the first time -- 25 years ago -- that was the car I wanted most. That was my dream car. The car on the lot was within the price range I'd set for myself, so I told my husband -- "OK, so I can have anything I want, except another Corolla? I want a Saab convertible." He, of course, said that I couldn't/shouldn't have one -- he never really has said what he meant when he suggested a "nicer" car for me. Our MC pointed out the problem, and he finally became resigned to me having that Saab convertible.
As of last night, I've signed an Agreement in Principle for a certified used Saab convertible. It's actually newer than I had in mind -- I liked the 2003 model better than the 2004 -- and it's an automatic -- I'd have preferred a manual -- but it's quite luxurious compared to what I have now.
I'm not good at change. It took several years for me to get used to my current car, and stop missing my previous car. I suspect this will be an even harder adjustment. And it's hard to get over Bad Thoughts -- that it's a consolation prize, since I can't have a baby; that I'm really too old for a convertible; that I shouldn't have nice things, because I don't take care of them (that's my aunt's voice -- something she's said to me too many times to count); and that I really should just replace my tool, rather than spending so much money for what's really more car than I need.
Last night in marriage counseling, our MC said I should remind myself that I'm allowing myself to have something nice. (This is another milestone, by the way, even though it's related.) I told her, no -- the "allowed" was still part of the Puritan, I wasn't going to support the Puritan part of me by "allowing" myself to have this car. I wanted to foster the healthier part of me -- this has been on my Dream Car list for 25 years, we can afford it, I like it, so I'm going to get it. None of this "allowing" -- this is "choosing," it's "selecting," it's not "allowing." I'm proud of myself for having that insight into what I've got to work towards.
(Of course, I woke up way too early this morning, and realized it was a mistake -- I should go cancel the agreement.)
Also, on Tuesday, I had a very serious anxiety attack over all this. Not so much buying the car, which doesn't seem real, but giving up my beloved '91 Corolla. Instead of walking out to stop the anxiety, I reminded myself that I will go through this sort of anxiety no matter what car I look at -- at least this time, I'm ending up with a car I think is pretty spectacular. If I have to suffer that way, I want it to be for Spectacular, not for Good Enough.
We'll take possession of the car on Saturday, assuming nothing goes wrong. My husband says he doesn't want me to tell my mother about it, and that he wants to be there when she first sees it. She'll have a fit -- she's already had a lot to say along the lines of "you shouldn't buy a convertible, you should ..." (Mother has never owned a car, by the way.) I can hardly wait myself... I've got a picture in my mind of her reaction -- *especially* because it's a bright color, instead of the dark grey or white that I've always chosen in the past...
So, lots of progress for me. Scary, and it's coming at a bad time in my life in many ways, but -- it's still progress...
If only I could get past the "but at my age, it hardly matters. Why couldn't I have gotten here 25 years ago?" That's probably something I should put on my list for therapy today...
Posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:37:46
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
Does anyone actually read things I write? Or are they just too long? I know I don't always read very long posts, although I do try to break mine up into edible chunks with paragraphs...
Maybe that's why I rarely get many responses...
Posted by B2chica on January 24, 2008, at 14:56:15
In reply to My goodness -- that *is* long, posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:37:46
i read it all :)
and i had to break down and get a new/used car myself...my 86' finally broke down last august and we were down to one vehicle for several months...finally got one last month.GOOD FOR YOU! you got your Dream car!
Posted by ClearSkies on January 24, 2008, at 16:15:36
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
Holy leaps and bounds, Batgirl! No wonder you're experiencing anxiety - getting angry with a doctor, and letting him know it? Deciding on a replacement car and signing a sales agreement?
Is this Racer I'm reading? Of course it is, and I'm mighty proud to know her, I mean you!
Milestones, I think they are called. Being able to express your anger coherently towards Doctor NotWorthWaitingFor while sitting in front of him is an enormous accomplishment. I think I'd be shaking over that one for about 4 days afterwards, on the ClearSkies personal anxiety scale. And I'm familiar with your attachment to your car, and can appreciate the enormity on many sides of your decision.
All I can tell you is that you get used to asserting yourself, from my own personal experience. It's pretty scary right now, but it gets easier, and it actually starts to feel good, if you can believe it. (I'm not always at that stage with my own assertiveness - it depends on the circumstances!)
CS
Posted by DAisym on January 24, 2008, at 18:12:55
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
I read the whole thing too! Not too long at all.
And you know what I noticed? Except for worrying that it was too long, you didn't apologize for your anger or your new purchase. That is so great and so healthy!
I know how much you love your car but you will love having a new one. My therapist recently said to me, "sometimes it is just as important to get what you want as to get what you need." Hang onto to your feelings of choosing what you want for yourself, this is huge. And no matter what your mom's reaction, this is a good thing for you!
I'm so glad you shared all this with us. I hope it isn't condescending to say, "I'm proud of you!"
Posted by JoniS on January 24, 2008, at 19:11:26
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
I don't see how one gets "too old" for a convertible. Enjoy yourself!
Good job on your progress.
I hope you conquer the anxiety attacks. I sometimes get them myself.
take care
Joni
Posted by RealMe on January 24, 2008, at 22:29:16
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
First, I understand; it was hard for me to give up my Toyota Tercel (1983) LOL, but DH took it into Chicago one day several years ago, and a lady broadsided him. So, we ended up giving it to an organization where kids fix the cars and then sell them or get to use them. I felt better about that because it meant some kid was thrilled to fix it up and drive it.
RE the SAAB convertible; you are definitely not to old for a convertible. I am older than you, and I would give my eye teeth for a convertible, and a SAAB no less. Of course for me to get another car would mean giving up the 1989 Camry or the 2002 Camry--the sensible cars!!! These cars never seem to die. We were going to trade in the 89 Camry ( really did not want to) but the mechanic said, hang on to it; it's in good shape. So, Hooray,sort of. It has around 250,000 miles on it. That car even drove through tornados in Kansas touching down all around me. It is my Wizard of Oz mobile!!!
And your mom; well I would love to see her face. Just keep saying how much you love the car even if you don't feel like it or feel you don't deserve it. Of course I think you do deserve it, but I know where you are coming from.
RealMe
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 24, 2008, at 23:15:59
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
Racer,
Good for you! I plan on driving my Camry into the dust! But our "second" and more sentimental car really needs replacing. She is 16 years old and I doubt she is worth $500. She likes to eat batteries! No air either. Not safe to drive her at night or out of the city limits.
So I'm dreaming and saving for a second Toyota.... maybe a small or mid-size SUV.
MB
Posted by rskontos on January 24, 2008, at 23:34:55
In reply to Re: Progress Report (long) » Racer, posted by MidnightBlue on January 24, 2008, at 23:15:59
Now Racer, we are of the family that buys cars all the time but my hubby is in the car business so.........
But you go girl, and you need a long long silk racing scarf, to go with your name and for the racy convertible you will own, and a fancy tooling outfit. You know the kind, the one all the starlets wore when Elvis took them for a long ride along the winding road along the beach while he crooned to them before he took them for a long walk to kiss them under the big romantic moon.....at least that is how I want to imagine you riding in this fancy smancy saab. Now tell your mother that you were buying it for its safety record because saab and volvo does have one of the best safety records in the business and you can quote my husband who is known in the industry of used cars as knowing his stuff, why even Tom Brocaw interviewed him not too long ago on the used car market. He publishes reports every year so he would know..........and so what if it is a convertible, it has a row bar that comes out in a collison so you are still safe. Tell her you just looking out for your self while looking good!!!!
LOL I could probably get you backup if you need to prove it to her too!!!LOLNow back to imagery............Racer in her in racy outfit with Elvis crooning to her oh yeah he is he is not with us anymore, you will need to supply us with another crooner of your choice..........and the fancy scarf billowing in the breeze.......riding down the winding moonlit road..................
rsk
Posted by Racer on January 25, 2008, at 0:52:39
In reply to Re: Progress Report (long) » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on January 24, 2008, at 16:15:36
Next time you're in this neck of the woods, we'll go for a drive -- shall we? We'll wear silk scarves, and oversized sunglasses, and everyone will wish to be as cool as we are!
Thanks, dear friend.
Posted by Racer on January 25, 2008, at 0:57:31
In reply to Re: Progress Report (long)Racer, posted by rskontos on January 24, 2008, at 23:34:55
Thank you all. Especially for reading the whole thing!
I told my husband tonight that there was a problem with the car -- an unexpected expense: I'll need new clothes to go with it...
(Of course, I hate shopping for clothes, so that's not very exciting for me, but I guess I can work at learning to like that, too... I really did enjoy clothes shopping with Daisy and ClearSkies, though, so maybe I just have to get the two of them to shop with me!)
Thanks again.
Posted by Poet on January 25, 2008, at 12:53:09
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
Hi Racer,
I get attached to cars, too, I drive them until they fall apart or get totalled in an accident. I name them and the license plate is his/her name. So I get your attachement to your Corolla. Though picture driving around in your new wardrobe with the top down on the Saab. You need giant sunglasses like the celebs wear.
I don't blame you for firing Dr. NotWorthWaitingFor" keeping you waiting is one thing, keeping you waiting for poor quality health care is another thing. I am proud of you for letting him know you were angry at him.
Your MC is right you are allowing yourself something nice. Kind of like me allowing myself to wear these really soft socks. I even wore them to therapy, and T thought they were lovely.
I read your entire Progress Report and I give you an A.
Poet
Posted by DAisym on January 25, 2008, at 15:19:48
In reply to Thanks to everyone, posted by Racer on January 25, 2008, at 0:57:31
I got a "Jones" gift card for Christmas so whenever the rain stops...
Posted by Racer on January 26, 2008, at 23:52:08
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » Racer, posted by DAisym on January 25, 2008, at 15:19:48
To celebrate the new SexyRacerMobile, Mr X and I drove up to the City and picked my mother up from work -- without telling her about the new car. Then we all went out to dinner, where I found more evidence of progress.
The restaurant we went to is one we'd eaten in several times, and it was always quite good. Tonight, the prices were higher, they had put in far more tables -- and the food was really appalling. My dinner was inedible -- now, I'm a picky eater to begin with, of course, but the chicken was chewy and dry as if it had been sitting under a heat lamp. (This is a very expensive restaurant at this point, by the way -- there was *no* excuse for it.) I sent it back. The manager/owner wasn't pleased, and came over to ask what the problem was? I told him it was inedible, and asked to have it replaced. The replacement was even worse -- so I sent it back, too. By then, my mother and husband were finished eating, so I just sent it back, no replacement. The owner came by again, to ask what the problem was. He was very pushy -- "we sell a lot of these, and no one has ever complained before." I did feel myself flushing, and I felt very embarrassed, but I simply reiterated that the food was not edible, and that I was sending it back. I'm proud of myself, because I did something about it, and I didn't just back down from the owner, I didn't burst into tears when he was insisting there was nothing wrong with the food. (Implication, I guess, being that there was something wrong with *me.*)
Everyone's right, of course, when they tell me the action comes first -- eventually the feelings may catch up... (Even my T told me the other day that sometimes the feelings don't quite catch up...)
Yeay, Racer!!!
(That last was the really scary part...)
Posted by muffled on January 27, 2008, at 11:07:00
In reply to Another sign of progress for me tonight, posted by Racer on January 26, 2008, at 23:52:08
Posted by rskontos on January 27, 2008, at 12:27:48
In reply to Another sign of progress for me tonight, posted by Racer on January 26, 2008, at 23:52:08
Way to go racer, the new car is helping in ways you didn't know it would :) rsk
Posted by Phillipa on January 27, 2008, at 13:44:13
In reply to Re: Another sign of progress for me tonight » Racer, posted by rskontos on January 27, 2008, at 12:27:48
How do you feel today about it still good? I hope so. And most importantly do you like your new car? Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on January 30, 2008, at 13:11:56
In reply to Re: Thanks to everyone » Racer, posted by DAisym on January 25, 2008, at 15:19:48
Racer, I enjoyed your post because I have so many of the same conflicts. Cars can be so symbolic!
I recently gave up my piece-of-crap Ford Escort for a Saab 9-3. It's older, and I could afford it, but I still had convulsions of anxiety over having something nicer and spending a large chunk of savings. Even I had to laugh at the tormented guilt and fear I went through for weeks, over something that undoubtedly no one else would give a second thought to.
Enjoy your Saab! I love mine in every way (well, maybe not the "dealer-only" repair bills, but still...).
Posted by Dinah on January 30, 2008, at 18:36:14
In reply to Progress Report (long), posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
Congratulations on your new arrival!
I think it's great that you're choosing all the good things you deserve.
This is the end of the thread.
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