Posted by Racer on January 24, 2008, at 14:36:20
I've had an eventful few days, and I'm going to offer up a progress report -- more for myself, to practice tooting my own horn, than for anyone else, but I'm happy to share with you all...
First of all, I expressed anger the other day, I don't have to ask anyone else to know that I expressed it appropriately, and I did it to a doctor -- and I've got problems dealing with doctors in general, so this was a major milestone for me. (He walked in 45 minutes late, and smiled, said, "How are you?" as he reached to shake my hand. I shook his hand, and answered, "I'm very angry -- my appointment was for 45 minutes ago. Other than that, [insert report on what brought me to his office in the first place]" I could see that he was uncomfortable, and I just didn't say another word about the late start. This afternoon, I'll tell my T about it.
I decided to fire that doctor. The office staff is distinctly unhelpful, he's not offering a level of care I'm happy with, he's consistently late for appointments -- which wouldn't be quite such an issue, if I were happier with the care he offered -- and I've decided I've given him enough chances to prove himself. Therefore, I've dubbed him "Dr NotWorthWaitingFor," and will be seeking another orthopedist.
For those of you who don't know me well, this next part may not seem like such a big deal, but -- I'm replacing my car. On Tuesday, after that appointment, I decided to go look at a used car that I'd been interested in. I've been looking at it on the dealer's website for weeks, and it's the model -- 'though not the year -- that I've been looking at for the past year. That's ever since my trusted and well liked mechanic told me that it really was time to replace my beloved car. The things that are wrong with my current car are now too expensive to repair -- Blue Book is about $550, repairs are about $3000 -- so, I decided a year ago I'd have to start looking. First, I decided to replace it with virtually the same car, but newer. I was planning to pay cash, as I always have, for a very, very basic car -- it's a tool, not an accessory, etc. My usual Puritanical view of what sort of car is appropriate for me. My husband "encouraged" (read: nagged) me to choose something else, something nicer, fancier, more expensive, more comfortable.
It's kinda funny, in our marriage counseling session where we talked about this, he said, "But you can buy any car you want!" I said, "Fine -- I'll take a bare bones Corolla." He said, "Anything -- except that." Well, I didn't listen, went to the local Toyota dealer -- and saw a Saab convertible on the lot. Back when I was in college the first time -- 25 years ago -- that was the car I wanted most. That was my dream car. The car on the lot was within the price range I'd set for myself, so I told my husband -- "OK, so I can have anything I want, except another Corolla? I want a Saab convertible." He, of course, said that I couldn't/shouldn't have one -- he never really has said what he meant when he suggested a "nicer" car for me. Our MC pointed out the problem, and he finally became resigned to me having that Saab convertible.
As of last night, I've signed an Agreement in Principle for a certified used Saab convertible. It's actually newer than I had in mind -- I liked the 2003 model better than the 2004 -- and it's an automatic -- I'd have preferred a manual -- but it's quite luxurious compared to what I have now.
I'm not good at change. It took several years for me to get used to my current car, and stop missing my previous car. I suspect this will be an even harder adjustment. And it's hard to get over Bad Thoughts -- that it's a consolation prize, since I can't have a baby; that I'm really too old for a convertible; that I shouldn't have nice things, because I don't take care of them (that's my aunt's voice -- something she's said to me too many times to count); and that I really should just replace my tool, rather than spending so much money for what's really more car than I need.
Last night in marriage counseling, our MC said I should remind myself that I'm allowing myself to have something nice. (This is another milestone, by the way, even though it's related.) I told her, no -- the "allowed" was still part of the Puritan, I wasn't going to support the Puritan part of me by "allowing" myself to have this car. I wanted to foster the healthier part of me -- this has been on my Dream Car list for 25 years, we can afford it, I like it, so I'm going to get it. None of this "allowing" -- this is "choosing," it's "selecting," it's not "allowing." I'm proud of myself for having that insight into what I've got to work towards.
(Of course, I woke up way too early this morning, and realized it was a mistake -- I should go cancel the agreement.)
Also, on Tuesday, I had a very serious anxiety attack over all this. Not so much buying the car, which doesn't seem real, but giving up my beloved '91 Corolla. Instead of walking out to stop the anxiety, I reminded myself that I will go through this sort of anxiety no matter what car I look at -- at least this time, I'm ending up with a car I think is pretty spectacular. If I have to suffer that way, I want it to be for Spectacular, not for Good Enough.
We'll take possession of the car on Saturday, assuming nothing goes wrong. My husband says he doesn't want me to tell my mother about it, and that he wants to be there when she first sees it. She'll have a fit -- she's already had a lot to say along the lines of "you shouldn't buy a convertible, you should ..." (Mother has never owned a car, by the way.) I can hardly wait myself... I've got a picture in my mind of her reaction -- *especially* because it's a bright color, instead of the dark grey or white that I've always chosen in the past...
So, lots of progress for me. Scary, and it's coming at a bad time in my life in many ways, but -- it's still progress...
If only I could get past the "but at my age, it hardly matters. Why couldn't I have gotten here 25 years ago?" That's probably something I should put on my list for therapy today...
poster:Racer
thread:808737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/808737.html