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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 23, 2008, at 21:15:10
Did we all have horrid childhoods? Is there a connection?
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 23, 2008, at 21:16:45
In reply to Question for people with painful T love feelings, posted by AbbieNormal on January 23, 2008, at 21:15:10
Posted by Happyflower on January 23, 2008, at 21:20:06
In reply to Question for people with painful T love feelings, posted by AbbieNormal on January 23, 2008, at 21:15:10
Thats a good question and I fall into both those categories myself. I am really not sure how to answer, but maybe we are are prone to become victims again because of our past.
With my new T, there is some parental transference going on , not too bad, but knowing him made me realize how sad I am that that my dad died.
Posted by obsidian on January 23, 2008, at 22:38:19
In reply to Re: Question for people with painful T love feelin, posted by Happyflower on January 23, 2008, at 21:20:06
well...
I know I have experienced a lot of painful feelings in therapy related to my T
AND
I have experienced a lot of painful feelings in reaction to a lot of people
....and these are both related to a very painful childhoodbut why do you ask??
Posted by obsidian on January 23, 2008, at 23:02:03
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie, posted by obsidian on January 23, 2008, at 22:38:19
because I keep thinking about it
about....
how scary it can be to care about someone
how important some type of "hope" has been to me
how hard it can be to feel so incredibly disappointed in someone who you really, really need
and how I still find myself feeling like I am standing on a precipice at times
BUT
I have also found that I don't have to "accept" that I am utterly and completely alone as a given
I keep learning this over and over and over again
Posted by Phillipa on January 23, 2008, at 23:47:59
In reply to I guess I have a lot of thoughts about this...., posted by obsidian on January 23, 2008, at 23:02:03
I guess parents dying when young and being blamed for their illnesses leaves a mark that sometimes takes years to come out. But we need a T to help us move forward and do the best that we can. Love Phillipa
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 6:10:56
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie, posted by obsidian on January 23, 2008, at 22:38:19
I asked because I've tried to find something to explain my pain. I want something to validate this ache. An article that says, "Abbie...you ache because your childhood stuff caused ABC therefore in therapy you should expect DEF to occur". Ya know?
So, i thought I'd see if there is a connection here at Babble. Do the people who are experienced the seriously painful attachments to their T mostly have painful childhoods?
I hope I didn't upset anyone. I just want to understand this hurt...it seems to come and go. Thought I was over it.
Abbie
Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2008, at 8:29:25
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie » obsidian, posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 6:10:56
It does come and go, but hopefully you'll find that it lessens over time. For me, when the absolute worst feelings come over me, I've learned to look for the root cause, discuss it with my T and then I'm able to move on a little bit more. It's the toughest thing in the world to have these feelings.
And yes, my childhood is the root cause but seeing how it affects me today, and how I choose to deal with it differently now has made all the difference.
Keep posting. We're all here to support you.
antigua
Posted by JoniS on January 24, 2008, at 9:24:17
In reply to Question for people with painful T love feelings, posted by AbbieNormal on January 23, 2008, at 21:15:10
Loving your T is normal. It doesn't indicate a "horrible childhood" It does indicate a beautiful part of the human spirit exists :-)
good luck in this complicated struggle!
Posted by seldomseen on January 24, 2008, at 12:07:50
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie » obsidian, posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 6:10:56
I'm not sure you will ever find the answer that you are looking for in terms of some sort of universal causality.
I think the reasons these feelings develop for our therapists are unique to the individual.
I think the pain we feel is because we want something - but we are not going to get it.
And, for some of us that may be a very old and very familiar kind of feeling, but it still hurt.
So, what I began to do was to ask myself and my therapist - what exactly did I want from my therapist and then, why did I want it?
Sometimes those answers were not easy to come by, and there was multiple answers for me.
But it required that I step out of the pain and began to think analytically about myself, which is, IMO, the essence of therapy.
I think what is truly therapeutic (and as is often the case - painful) is the wanting and the examination of it.
However, for me, there wasn't a big AHA! moment and in that instant everything magically resolved. It's a process to go through.
In the end, it all had meaning - and still does to this day.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I know what it feels like. But I think the key to explaining it is to examine the hurt itself.
Seldom.
Posted by 10derHeart on January 24, 2008, at 13:29:43
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie » AbbieNormal, posted by seldomseen on January 24, 2008, at 12:07:50
Seldom, this is a terrific post. You must be reading my mind (scary in there, isn't it?!! ;-) )
I have some more to say about this later - I am one who has experienced these feelings for two therapists, and I had a normal, mundane, nice and healthy childhood.
I'll try to write more later - gotta run...
Posted by raisinb on January 24, 2008, at 13:39:08
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie » seldomseen, posted by 10derHeart on January 24, 2008, at 13:29:43
I was about to write the same thing--that there's no answer that works for everyone.
One of the most difficult, scary, and yet liberating things I had to learn in therapy (and I suppose I haven't totally done so, yet) was that really, nobody else but me has the answers. Others can help, but ultimately it has to be me who figures things out, and I have to learn to trust my own truths, because those are really the only ones that are going to work.
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 17:53:59
In reply to Re: Question for people with painful T love feelings » AbbieNormal, posted by JoniS on January 24, 2008, at 9:24:17
I mean the sort of "love" that doesn't feel nice....it became rather obsessive. I used to think about him SO much that I swear that part of my brain ached. I wore it out.
I'm not in that emotional place now. I'm also not in therapy now. Been solo for...almost 2 years. I had gotten to a point where I only thought about him once a week or so - that was grrreat. Then something happened where I had to contact him by email. Since then...it's back to daily T thoughts. I'm sick to death of him frankly. I want him out of my head. I want to blank out that place in my brain. Who stole my eraser???
Abbie
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 18:01:04
In reply to Re: Question - Abbie » AbbieNormal, posted by seldomseen on January 24, 2008, at 12:07:50
Yeah, but WHY!?!?! (mentally I'm about 4 today...)
Ugh. I hate that I know you are right.
I know how much my relationship with him reflects that of both my DNA donors....full of feelings of rejection and pain and betrayal.But I want simple. Four year olds need simple!!
Thank you. Abbie.
Posted by Dinah on January 24, 2008, at 19:46:31
In reply to Re: Question for people with painful T love feelings » JoniS, posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 17:53:59
I don't know if this is true for you. But my brain tends to form obsessions to divert me from something else.
So if I'm stressed at work, I become obsessed about buying something or another. I spend hours researching it, etc. And in the end, whether I get it or not, it's cost me hours that I would have better spent doing something at work which would have reduced my stress.
So maybe some of the obsessive quality of thoughts about therapy and therapists, for those of us who tend to have defense mechanisms of the obsessive sort, is to distract our brains from the scarier therapy thoughts.
For the record, this realization has brought me no relief at all. Apparently the obsessive defense mechanism is operated at a different level of the brain.
Posted by AbbieNormal on January 25, 2008, at 6:09:08
In reply to Re: Question for people with painful T love feelin » AbbieNormal, posted by Dinah on January 24, 2008, at 19:46:31
Interesting. I'm going to have to think about this. And think and think and think....
:-)
P.S. Mostly I divert and avoid with humor.
Posted by seldomseen on January 25, 2008, at 6:51:56
In reply to Re: Question for people with painful T love feelin, posted by AbbieNormal on January 25, 2008, at 6:09:08
don't forget to talk and talk and talk.
This should be something that your therapist can help you with.
Seldom.
Posted by JoniS on January 25, 2008, at 8:40:48
In reply to Re: Question for people with painful T love feelings » JoniS, posted by AbbieNormal on January 24, 2008, at 17:53:59
Sorry. I misunderstood.
When you get the solution to this problem, please send it to me. I do that too, and I am just now terminating. Got to get OVER this!
Joni
This is the end of the thread.
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