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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
Do you ever stay silent for a long time during a T session? If so, what is your T's reaction?
Maxime
Posted by lovelorn on December 18, 2007, at 19:51:13
In reply to Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
Not overly long periods but it's happened for a few minutes. I find I am usually looking down or at a wall or picture, lost in my thoughts when this happens. My T will stay silent too and wait for me to continue. If it is getting too long she may pick up on something that I've been talking about and that leads to more discussion. It's not happened very often. She usually just waits until I speak again.
It used to feel a bit awkward in the back of my mind at first when silences happened but not anymore. She never made feel awkward about it or showed any awkwardness, which actually made me feel good and more comfortable with her. There is something kind of nice and peaceful to be able to be silent with someone and not feel any weirdness, if you know what I mean.
Posted by sunnydays on December 18, 2007, at 19:55:12
In reply to Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
Yes. Not so much anymore, but I used to be silent for 10 minutes or longer at a time. My T would wait for me to talk. He might ask me after a while what was going on for me, or what was happening, or if I was dissociating he'd try to bring me back.
sunnydays
Posted by Eltoro on December 18, 2007, at 21:38:19
In reply to Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
She used to simply ask me what was on my mind when i stayed silent for a while, and if i seemed hesitant, if I was just thinking, she would stay quiet, patiently.
Its very easy for them to know what kind of feelings are behind the silence, if its shyness, they will be patient and wont pressure you, if you seem to have something on the tip of your tongue wanting to come out, they may venture asking. If you are silent in anger, or in pain, they may act differently, but most of the times they will be patiently quiet.
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2007, at 21:38:39
In reply to Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
I hate silence. To me it seems like an imperative to say something. And sometimes I am annoyed that it is always me who must break it. Then I get mulish for a few minutes, but in the end break down and speak, since it's my dime so I'm the only one who likely cares.
Posted by Phillipa on December 19, 2007, at 0:11:40
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2007, at 21:38:39
I'm never quiet always have too much to say and always run over as the t walks out her door with my check in her hand. Never at a loss for words. Hense a lot of posting too. Phillipa
Posted by Wittgenstein on December 19, 2007, at 4:12:29
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence, posted by Phillipa on December 19, 2007, at 0:11:40
Most of my sessions have pauses and silences. One session I was silent for over half an hour. I wanted to say something but couldn't bring myself to say it. I'd open my mouth and then sigh. He waited patiently and tried to reassure me.
I also recall a time when I was upset with him over the previous session and remained silent for a long time. I just didn't know how and whether it was ok for me to say what I was thinking.
Other times he invites me to share a silence with him just to think something over - usually something poignant we've just been discussing. Those silences are very comfortable.
When I'm silent through sadness and lean forward with my hair over my face and hands by my mouth, he'll usually lean forward too, adopting a similar position. After a while he might ask me to try and give my thoughts some words or will bring up something from earlier in the session.
Witti
Posted by Poet on December 19, 2007, at 8:56:54
In reply to Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
Hi Maxime,
I stare less at my shoes than I used to, but I still do have sessions where I just sit and say nothing. T patiently waits for me to talk, asks me what I'm thinking and if I still just sit there asks if I want her to run energy work on me.
Poet
Posted by Maxime on December 19, 2007, at 12:45:10
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Maxime, posted by Poet on December 19, 2007, at 8:56:54
Well mine pushes me and I don't like it. I am perfectly comfortable with long silences. Some people feel the need to fill up silence.
I'm frustrated.
Maxime
Posted by ClearSkies on December 19, 2007, at 13:11:51
In reply to Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 18, 2007, at 19:37:26
I don't think I've ever lapsed into silence unless it was also filled with tears. I do think that my T would probably prompt me and try to start a conversation; if I've been on the quiet side, then she has remarked on my body language (and been spot on, drat her!). That has usually started some kind of verbal spill on my end.
I think part of why I've liked working with her so much has been that I've found her so easy to talk to. Not that I don't feel inhibited at times, but I'm never at a loss for words.
CS
Posted by lovelorn on December 19, 2007, at 17:23:10
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence, posted by Maxime on December 19, 2007, at 12:45:10
>Well mine pushes me and I don't like it. I am perfectly comfortable with long silences. Some people feel the need to fill up silence.
Well, some silences are good, some are not. If your silences are preventing you from opening up and talking about what you need to talk about, then they may not be too helpful.
Maybe the two of you should speak about why you are so silent sometimes, and why he pushes.
>I'm frustrated.
Frustration usually happens when something is not going right. Frustrated with what?
Posted by Maxime on December 20, 2007, at 13:33:29
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Maxime, posted by lovelorn on December 19, 2007, at 17:23:10
I think the silences are preventing me from opening up. But I am not ready to open up.
I'm frustrated because he has dx'd me with personality disorders even when I don't meet the criteria. He says I have "some borderline personality disorder". And a couple of other ones as well. He sees my personality as being the cause of my depression. I don't agree. Oh well, he is the expert.
Maxime
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 20, 2007, at 13:52:20
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » lovelorn, posted by Maxime on December 20, 2007, at 13:33:29
Maxime,
Can you write something down and show that to him? Sometimes when I couldn't really express what was inside I could show something I had written.
MB
Posted by Maxime on December 20, 2007, at 14:32:37
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Maxime, posted by MidnightBlue on December 20, 2007, at 13:52:20
Hi MB.
Actually he did suggest that. I will try, but I don't feel safe showing him anything I write. I have major trust issues, that much I can tell for sure.
Maxime
> Maxime,
>
> Can you write something down and show that to him? Sometimes when I couldn't really express what was inside I could show something I had written.
>
> MB
Posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 20:06:36
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » lovelorn, posted by Maxime on December 20, 2007, at 13:33:29
>I'm frustrated because he has dx'd me with personality disorders even when I don't meet the criteria. He says I have "some borderline personality disorder". And a couple of other ones as well. He sees my personality as being the cause of my depression. I don't agree. Oh well, he is the expert.
You should maybe ask him then on what criteria is he basing his diagnosis. Is he a pdoc? A psychiatrist is the proper authority for diagnosis.
Depression usually comes from a source. Personality is not generally a source unless you have a depressive personality, but even then there are usually things that have happened or thought patterns that produce the depression. Do you think you know where the depression comes from?
>I think the silences are preventing me from opening up. But I am not ready to open up.
If you are not ready, then you are not ready. Sometimes though we have to force ourselves to say and do things in the interest of our overall well-being. Maybe try to think about what you may be ready to open up about (i.e., what you think you can handle) or what conditions you need yet to start to open up. Or even dedicate a session on talking about just that - why you are not ready to open up.
Posted by Maxime on December 21, 2007, at 15:24:35
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Maxime, posted by lovelorn on December 20, 2007, at 20:06:36
He is a psychologist. My psychiatrist doesn't think I have personality disorders.
I think my depression is biologic and inherited. I know that certain situation make it worse. My eating disorder also makes it worse.
He seemed angry that I wouldn't open up. I don't know. Do people usually just spills their guts when they see a psychologist?
I have to think of it as a journey. I am on a journey ... destination unknown.
Maxime
Posted by Dinah on December 21, 2007, at 17:01:22
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » lovelorn, posted by Maxime on December 21, 2007, at 15:24:35
Perhaps he wasn't as angry as he seemed? I imagine most therapists have many clients who take time to warm up and speak freely, and are understanding that that is so.
Posted by Maxime on December 21, 2007, at 19:28:53
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Maxime, posted by Dinah on December 21, 2007, at 17:01:22
> Perhaps he wasn't as angry as he seemed? I imagine most therapists have many clients who take time to warm up and speak freely, and are understanding that that is so.
You are right. I am overly sensitive so that is why I think he is angry. He probably isn't at all. Maybe I will ask him.
Posted by Phillipa on December 21, 2007, at 19:36:09
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Dinah, posted by Maxime on December 21, 2007, at 19:28:53
Maxie good idea. When do you see him next? Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on December 21, 2007, at 22:47:58
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Dinah, posted by Maxime on December 21, 2007, at 19:28:53
I don't know if it's a question of being oversensitive. I know I tend to interpret some of what my therapist does as rejection, for example, when it's really not because I'm terrified of rejection.
I do think it's a good idea to ask, though. It's amazing how helpful talking to our therapists about our perceptions *in* therapy can be, since they often mirror our perceptions in the rest of our lives.
Posted by rskontos on December 21, 2007, at 23:25:34
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » Maxime, posted by Dinah on December 21, 2007, at 22:47:58
And how often our perceptions are inaccurate, at least mine are. I am so surprised to hear the different take they have that I never would have thought of!! That helps me grow. rsk
rsk
Posted by lovelorn on December 22, 2007, at 9:11:46
In reply to Re: Sounds of silence » lovelorn, posted by Maxime on December 21, 2007, at 15:24:35
>I think my depression is biologic and inherited. I know that certain situation make it worse. My eating disorder also makes it worse.
If it is biologic and inherited, then it may be a lifelong affliction, though in that case if it is a brain chemistry thing then medications should help. As your eating disorder makes it worse, then it sounds to me you need to be talking about your eating disorder in therapy. Why you do it and your feelings surrounding that. That would be a 'source' that I was talking about.
>Do people usually just spills their guts when they see a psychologist?
Interestingly that is what I did. I realized I had psychological problems when I had my breakdown. I saw this way: if I have a physical problem, then I would go to a doctor and tell him/her what that problem is - how else is he going to be able to help me if I don't 'spill my guts' about it. So, when I went to see my psychologist/therapist, I got right to the heart of the matters and basically spilled my guts about what was bothering me. Some things I could only talk about after I trusted her more, but basically each session I go in and tell her what problem or feeling that is bothering me. I look at it that if something is bothering me, then I need to talk about it.
>I have to think of it as a journey. I am on a journey ... destination unknown.
That is an interesting way to look at it. It could be a good way to open a session one time. Tell him that is how you see things at the moment. Talk about what that journey means to you and why you feel the need and want to embark on it.
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