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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
I hate that this is such a painful journey.
Someone said to me yesterday, "you seem so much happier these days." Yes - I am. And no - I'm not.
It is the push/pull of being open to the memories and feelings and the need to shut it all down and act "normal" for awhile. I am less afraid, moment-to-moment, that my therapist will decide he no longer wants to work with me but more afraid that the Universe, in its awfulness, will take him, somehow from me. It does happen. I've seen it happen lately to several people. I thought it would be devastating before. I'm sure of it now. He says the risk is worth it - that love and caring are sometimes coupled with pain. But not always. And with out love and caring, there is only aloneness and pain. Is he right?
I said Tuesday that I'm more able to dissociate from this stuff than I have been able to in awhile. He says it is because we are in a really raw, almost nonverbal place, where the world stopped making sense and my security went totally away. I guess that makes sense. But being able to dissociate again is a little like slipping into a warm tub and just sinking under the water. It feels so great but eventually you need to breathe.
Even reading Babble, which use to be where I'd come to breathe, has been really hard. I wish I knew what was going on. I just don't feel like myself. Or maybe I just can't feel myself. It is just really hard, I miss people here, I have no time for anything but work right now but I'm stopping to post anyway.
In case I don't have another opportunity, Merry Christmas, Babble-friends. Thank you for another year of support, advice and humor. I love you all.
Daisy
Posted by zenhussy on December 12, 2007, at 19:48:10
In reply to Stopping Bye, posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2007, at 20:29:06
In reply to Stopping Bye, posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
Oh Daisy.
You HAVE made great strides, and you have helped many on babble.
hang in there.
We gonna make it thru these darn holidays.
They so hard for so many.
One day at a time.
I dunno, but maybe your stuff is alot goto do with the inside kids, cuz they are SO confusing. With their little kid thinking, which to us as adults seems so irrational, but to kids is all they know.
And you dealing with really little ones now. Their thinking etc has goto be really hard to figger.
And likely irrational.
Thats what I find so hard to take, myself, having these little ones inside and trying to understand them.
They send us all these illogical random stuff and emotions, and its hard to make heads or tails of it all.
It feels real bad.
But its gonna get better Daisy.
It is.
And you have so much to give and share.
You have an important place in this world.
You are a work in progress. We are our whole lives.
There is something so beautiful in you Daisy, that peeps out in your writing at times.
Hang in there.
M
Posted by fallsfall on December 13, 2007, at 8:00:03
In reply to Stopping Bye, posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
Hmmmm... Read your subject line again. Freudian??
You are not going anywhere, neither is he, and neither are we.
I'm sorry it is so painful. I wish I could be there with you. I'm so anti-social these days. Initiating a conversation (in person, on the phone, through email) is not within my capabilities these days. Even responding when someone else initiates a conversation is hard. But I think about you all the time. Please know that I am thinking about you.
I just had COW for breakfast. I need to make bread today.
Love,
Falls
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2007, at 8:08:28
In reply to Stopping Bye, posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
I understand what you're saying, and I hate that feeling too. I find that it's usually temporary. It seems odd to me sometimes that I'd rather feel bad than feel nothing.
"I am less afraid, moment-to-moment, that my therapist will decide he no longer wants to work with me but more afraid that the Universe, in its awfulness, will take him, somehow from me. It does happen. I've seen it happen lately to several people."
Me too. And I'm always telling my therapist that even though I now trust him not to want to hurt me, the fact is that he will hurt me someday, badly. Or that caring about him will hurt me. I have nightmares about it, since I've come off klonopin and dream again.
He says more or less the same thing your therapist says. Is it true? Maybe. When I look back on my life and my losses, I remember the loving and caring more than I remember the pain. It takes a while, but eventually that's where it ends up. In the end, I don't think I'd give up a day or even five minutes of the love I felt to avoid the pain. For me, loving and caring is what turns existing into living.
At least long term. Short term I'd happily trade my current panic into blissful lack of feeling.
Posted by antigua3 on December 13, 2007, at 16:29:02
In reply to Stopping Bye, posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
Please don't say Bye! Just take it easy as best you can, and remember to take care of yourself. You sound as raw as your emotions.
The sky ISN'T falling, BTW, trust me, I know these things. I have karmic connections and your T is as safe as can be, so you'd better keep yourself safe, too!
Merry Christmas to you,
antigua
Posted by Raindancer on December 14, 2007, at 17:17:37
In reply to Stopping Bye, posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
Daisy, when I was young, my mother used to say "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and I simply wouldn't believe her. Now I am much, much older, I see it differently. Though the thought of losing my T in any way is a real worry, especially when I am low, I know that I would never be without those precious memories and times with him that no-one can ever take away.
The chances are really excellent that he will be fine. I remember when you were first in therapy how hard you found it to trust him, and he has been constant and always there for you since then. You are like that too - a constant babble friend - always there to help someone else, even though you don't always feel that good yourself. You have helped me through some really bad patches over the years and I love you accordingly. A very Happy Christmas Daisy and many, many blessings. Rain
((((Daisy))))
This is the end of the thread.
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