Posted by DAisym on December 12, 2007, at 19:38:09
I hate that this is such a painful journey.
Someone said to me yesterday, "you seem so much happier these days." Yes - I am. And no - I'm not.
It is the push/pull of being open to the memories and feelings and the need to shut it all down and act "normal" for awhile. I am less afraid, moment-to-moment, that my therapist will decide he no longer wants to work with me but more afraid that the Universe, in its awfulness, will take him, somehow from me. It does happen. I've seen it happen lately to several people. I thought it would be devastating before. I'm sure of it now. He says the risk is worth it - that love and caring are sometimes coupled with pain. But not always. And with out love and caring, there is only aloneness and pain. Is he right?
I said Tuesday that I'm more able to dissociate from this stuff than I have been able to in awhile. He says it is because we are in a really raw, almost nonverbal place, where the world stopped making sense and my security went totally away. I guess that makes sense. But being able to dissociate again is a little like slipping into a warm tub and just sinking under the water. It feels so great but eventually you need to breathe.
Even reading Babble, which use to be where I'd come to breathe, has been really hard. I wish I knew what was going on. I just don't feel like myself. Or maybe I just can't feel myself. It is just really hard, I miss people here, I have no time for anything but work right now but I'm stopping to post anyway.
In case I don't have another opportunity, Merry Christmas, Babble-friends. Thank you for another year of support, advice and humor. I love you all.
Daisy
poster:DAisym
thread:800437
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/800437.html