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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:18:02
It is even very hard to write about, but I felt so scared, so triggered
We did EMDR on the feelings I felt when my mom would riticuled me over my solo mess up in a talent show when I was 14. She would play that tape to everyone and thought it was so funny and it would humilulate me. We did one set with me thinking this, it was aweful, tears running down my face , choking, my head felt like it was going to explode. Then he tried to get me to my safe place and relax me, but I couldn't go there. I felt so tense and so very angry. I told him I couldn't relax, I was so mad.
So then he tried to do an exercise where you imagine the abuser in the chair next to you tied up, silenced, and I just freaked when I looked at the chair even imagineing it. I just looked at the other chair and I wanted to crawl up in a ball and hide. I said , I don't feel safe, she wants to kill me. He tried other things, there are armed guards, I said no she is friends with them and won't believe me, they are on her side. He tried I am in a bullet proof box, and no no no , I don't feel safe at all.
I said they only way I would never be safe from her is when she is dead. I kept saying I was sorry, but I was really trying and not wanting to be difficult. He said he can tell I was trying, and it just shows him how much I really am still afraid and that we need to take this much slower . We talked some about the stuff she did to me and my brother and I am like I just don't understand how anyone could ever hurt their own kids and then laugh about it. Oh, the cruel laugh. I feel bad when I even raise my voice to my kids, how could she do what she did? How could Sadam and Hitler do what they did?
He tried to get me to my safe place but it doesn't seem safe to me, my mom could still show up. We tried to calm me down but it wasn't working very well. I told him that I am still very much afraid of her. She is really a threat. He had an appointment at the hospital with a client and he had to go to after mine, so I know he needed to leave. I tried so hard to pull it together to leave, but tears were just streaming down my face and I had trouble even getting out of the chair, my legs felt so heavy, but I did get up and had to pay the secretary. He patted my back as I walked out of his office and then when I was standing paying he came out and kept telling me to remember my safe place and he put his hand on my back again. I got in my car and felt so overwhelmed. My classes started in an hour, but I was a mess, so I remembered my xanax, but it is at home. I haven't needed it for a long time, but I took two, ate something, and drove to class. By then I was calm. In fact in my 2nd class I kept dosing off sitting up. I am home now, and I should be getting ready to go to my guitar lesson, but I am so exhausted, I am going to bed.
Plus I am waiting to find out about my new granddaughter that was born yesterday. She might need heart surgury so we are waiting to find out.
I don't know if I can do therapy, it is so hard. I am scared right now. I don't feel safe. I feel so overwhelmed right now, I don't know what to do with myself.
Posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:38:01
In reply to My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:18:02
My husband came home early now and told me the baby isn't going to make it.
Posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:43:59
In reply to Re: My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:38:01
Posted by rskontos on October 16, 2007, at 16:44:52
In reply to Re: My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:38:01
Happyflower, I am so sorry. So much heartbreak now and in the past for you. The therapy opened wounds that have the power to still hurt deep. He is right you do need to take it slow. I guess he thought you were ready but you weren't. Just take a quiet deep breath and try to do something that does make you feel safe. Is it a pet or your H holding you? Is it your children being around them, find whatever it is, a walk, a book. I don't know for me I have to dissociate and feel flat to feel safe. I hide in bed usually. I go to sleep. But I can listen to music some and I can play with my dogs. I hope you can find something that allows those emotions to calm down for you. You hit some deep ones. But maybe you are getting close to being able to handle them and now your T knows how deep they are and he can help later down the road.
As far as the granddaughter. I am so terribly sorry. What a heartbreak and tragedy. My heart goes out to you and your family at this difficult time. I am so sorry. Let us know how you are doing. WE are here and care. rk
Posted by arora on October 16, 2007, at 17:17:45
In reply to My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:18:02
HappyFlower-
it sounds like you had a really rough session today- don't give yourself a hard time because you need to take it slow... you are dealing with some big stuff, and I think you are being incredibly brave!and I'm so sorry about your granddaughter- my heartfelt thoughts are with you and your family tonight.
arora
Posted by muffled on October 16, 2007, at 17:32:41
In reply to Re: My roughest session, kinda freaked out right n, posted by arora on October 16, 2007, at 17:17:45
((((((((((((((baby))))))))))
((((((((((((Mom)))))))))
Posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 17:52:34
In reply to My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:18:02
He talked to me and said it sounded like I am going through PTSD symtoms and I thought I was cured of that. He said there are other things he wants to try with me that will make it seem safer for me. He was sort of surprised of my severe reactions to all of this morning,as I am surprised myself. He said he could see my fear and feel my fear. He said I have a lot of deep buried stuff. He wants to take this much more slower and gentler and to do things he learned to do in extreme cases, which I guess I am one of those. sigh...
I guess I seem too normal, my normal mask, but for the most part I act normal and feel normal. until that is these horrible memories come to surface then I am terrified like that little girl again. What happened to me is very horrible, unimaginable to most, I haven't said on here the worst of the stuff and I don't plan on it ever telling. Maybe I can tell T, I don't know. I know my new T cares about me, but I kinda wish i had my old T to lean on right now, I know him better. But yet I don't feel like I could cry in front of him, so my old T feels better in that aspect.
I am scared to go to sleep tonight. He wants me to take some xanax and try to sleep tonight. But I feel frightened to shut my eyes. I don't want those nightmares. My world feels very unsafe and all I want to do is hide away.
Posted by rskontos on October 16, 2007, at 19:07:14
In reply to My T called, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 17:52:34
Happyflower, I am glad you called your T and he responded the way he did. I am sorry you dread going to sleep. Will the xanax knock you out enough to help you sleep dream free? I know right now my ad makes me sleep that way. It is too sedating for me. I sleep all the time if I let myself. But then I have always used sleep to escape. I wish I could give you that gift now!!! Instead I can just send you a cyber hug. all my best...I am thinking of you in this trying time. rk
(((((((((((((((((((((happyflower)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted by Phillipa on October 16, 2007, at 21:20:11
In reply to Re: My T called, posted by rskontos on October 16, 2007, at 19:07:14
Happyflower I read on Social that the baby didn't make it. So sorry my deepest sympathies with you and your family. Phillipa
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 8:46:06
In reply to Re: My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:38:01
i am truly sorry about the baby HF... like i told you last night, our family never really was able to forget. It's so hard because everyone expects this little person and that they will be ok. In my family we discovered that before having kids my sister and i would need to take 10x the recommended dose of folic acid.. without that the result is devastating.
i hope they find out what the genetic pre-cursor was so they can decide what to do later.
poor little child..
many blessings
Posted by B2chica on October 17, 2007, at 9:26:01
In reply to My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:18:02
im sorry i cant comment too much. its scary for me think of that.
i cant imagine what you and kid going through right now.
i dont know what to say.
i'm sorry.
Posted by muffled on October 17, 2007, at 11:03:12
In reply to ((HF))..i am SO SORRY. » happyflower, posted by B2chica on October 17, 2007, at 9:26:01
Posted by Poet on October 17, 2007, at 11:43:04
In reply to My T called, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 17:52:34
Hi Happyflower,
I'm so sorry to hear about your granddaughter and how bad you're feeling from therapy.
I think you were retraumatized, like I was when I read Running With Scissors. It's hard to feel safe (still hate that word) when your mind is sending you back in time to when the bad stuff happened.
Take care of yourself, and call your old T if you think he can help. Definitely call your new T if you need, too. Post when you can.
Poet
Posted by seldomseen on October 17, 2007, at 12:15:57
In reply to Re: My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:38:01
I'm so sorry things are rough right now, HF. I'll be sending as much love your way as I can. Do whatever you need to help you to feel safe and grieve this loss.
Peace to you my friend. Peace to you.
Seldom.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on October 18, 2007, at 20:07:32
In reply to Re: My roughest session, kinda freaked out right now, posted by happyflower on October 16, 2007, at 16:38:01
happyflower,
I wish I could give you a big safe hug. you are such a special person, and so strong. I know you worry whether you are strong enough to handle all of this grief, but you are. you REALLY are.sending you caring and warmth in this dark hour
-ll
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