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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
I am so annoyed with myself- I've not done this in such a long time, but I got really, really distressed in a situation earlier this week.
I've not posted for a few weeks. 'cos I wasn't feeling too great... felt bad about letting others down, and then it just escalated. Feeling like I wasn't contributing, and then guilt about all that- then it just happened.
I really lost it- flew into a rage and turned inwards- didn't cut this time, but still deliberately hurt myself.
Why?? do I do this? Afterwards I feel so fragmented and vulnerable- like I've scattered myself all over the place; and I go out of my way to then be a 'good' girl... very cheerful and agreeable to make up for being SO horrible and awful. But still angry. Like I'm not allowed to be angry or anything- have to squash it. I want to punch someone, but that's not what nice girls do. So I go off and punch bad arora instead.
Ahhh... inner kid is so tired of this. It's her punching me, I think. She likes punching grown-ups. She hates them.
Arora
Posted by Phillipa on October 14, 2007, at 22:02:45
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
I know you are feeling horrible. But the anger needs to be released. But not in a hurtful way to yourself. Have you tried screaming out loud in a place no one can hear you or punched a pillow really hard. I hope you didn't hurt yourself badly. Phillipa
Posted by RealMe on October 14, 2007, at 23:56:48
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
(((arora)))
You need to talk to your therapist about this. I am sorry you feel you need to punish yourself. Some people come here and post and never say anything about themself, only comment on others. Others come here a lot and post about their stuff, and some come and post once in awhile, and some hardly at all. I don't think it is necessarily bad not to post a lot. In fact, posting all over the place suggests one does not have a life outside of these posts. I may not be here for a few days, and then I am back. I should probably stay away more. So, don't feel bad or guilty about not posting. You post when you can and when you are up to it. You and Witti, it really is okay. I also notice that quite a few others are not posting now, and my though ususally is that I hope they are doing okay. So, please talk to your therapist, okay.
RealMe
Posted by Racer on October 15, 2007, at 1:51:00
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
> Feeling like I wasn't contributing, and then guilt about all that- then it just happened.
>I don't have anything to say, really, except this:
No one here is keeping a running tab of contributions. Pretty much everyone here goes through periods when we need a lot of support from others, and don't have the energy to offer much support to others. Then, when we get to feeling better, we can offer a lot more and need a lot less. "From each, according to her(his) abilities; to each, according to her(his) needs." That's part of the beauty of Babble: it's a place where people recognize that cycle, and offer support to those who need it, without keeping any score about it.
I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by B2chica on October 15, 2007, at 8:48:35
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
i'm glad you posted now. and first GOOD JOB for it being a long time since last SI. hang on to that.
and i can't even imagine you as horrible and awful?
and you probably weren't/aren't allowed either by someone else or yourself to be angry...Not Good. Then it Explodes.
you NEED to let it out. you see a T? talk with finding good way to let out this muck!******************
NOW who in the h@ll said you have to be a "nice" girl?!!
screw that!
Nice Girls Get Squat!!
and
I Used to HATE MY TEACHERS!! THEY ALL F*CK*NG SUCKED! THey WERE SO STUPID! tHEY could USE a good punch in HEAD SomeTImes.
Posted by rskontos on October 15, 2007, at 10:44:44
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
Arora, go easy on yourself. I don't know about cutting but I would think that at least not doing that is better than cutting. I know you still hurt yourself and I am sad for your inner kid that is so upset but at least you or her controlled the cutting. I think that is progress, or I hope so. You are allowed to be angry. If you are like me we had something valuable stolen from our childhood and it is affecting our adulthood and it is hard to deal with so angry we are. It has changed us and changed how we function in the world today. That is hard to manage. We have our survivual methods but they don't always work and we wind up here. So I think our anger is justified. Now what we do with it I have no clue. Channel it I guess but I haven't reached that point yet. I wanted you to know you are not bad. No you are good Arora. Dont say you are bad. You haven't don't anything bad. Be kind to yourself by giving yourself a break. Punch a pillow if you need to punch something. Good girls have a breaking point too just like anyone else. So punch the pillow and let it out. And just cause you feel like punching something doesn't make you bad just human. Ok......rk
Posted by arora on October 15, 2007, at 13:11:48
In reply to Re: SI (triggers- sorry!) » arora, posted by RealMe on October 14, 2007, at 23:56:48
Thanks for the support, RealMe-
the problem is that I don't have a T at them moment, unfortunately- it's just not financially possible.
The last one I had kind of let me down... it wasn't really her fault, but because I could only pay on the basis of being means-tested, they assigned me to a trainee, (I only found this out afterwards- they didn't tell me she wasn't qualified yet.)
She didn't seem to know how to talk about things like SI, and her skills were only very basic.Maybe one day I'll be able to afford to see a T again... for now I'm relying on self-help books, which do provide some guidance. If I could only remember to apply it as needed!
arora
Posted by arora on October 15, 2007, at 13:16:00
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
Thanks everybody for your messages of support- and for saying I'm not a bad person.
When I'm in an ok place I kind of believe that, but you know what it's like- when I'm stressed out then it just all gets to be too much and all that old self-loathing comes flooding back. :-(You've all helped me to feel a lot better today. :-}
arora
Posted by Dory on October 15, 2007, at 14:53:44
In reply to SI (triggers- sorry!), posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
i couldn't read your post, due to the triggers you said were there... so i just skipped to the bottom so i could reply. i am sorry you are in this kind of pain. It must hurt so much. It is as painful as you think it is, and it is ok to hurt and to be angry.
i hope you can lift yourself up and away from harm
This is the end of the thread.
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