Posted by arora on October 14, 2007, at 20:15:19
I am so annoyed with myself- I've not done this in such a long time, but I got really, really distressed in a situation earlier this week.
I've not posted for a few weeks. 'cos I wasn't feeling too great... felt bad about letting others down, and then it just escalated. Feeling like I wasn't contributing, and then guilt about all that- then it just happened.
I really lost it- flew into a rage and turned inwards- didn't cut this time, but still deliberately hurt myself.
Why?? do I do this? Afterwards I feel so fragmented and vulnerable- like I've scattered myself all over the place; and I go out of my way to then be a 'good' girl... very cheerful and agreeable to make up for being SO horrible and awful. But still angry. Like I'm not allowed to be angry or anything- have to squash it. I want to punch someone, but that's not what nice girls do. So I go off and punch bad arora instead.
Ahhh... inner kid is so tired of this. It's her punching me, I think. She likes punching grown-ups. She hates them.
Arora
poster:arora
thread:789284
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789284.html