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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on October 11, 2007, at 12:41:38
ok, feelings about T confusing me a bit.
and i keep thinking that maybe i need to just stop and/or find someone else...which does not appeal to me right now...way too hard and honestly i think that would just be it for me and therapy. and that's not an angry threat or anything, its just how i feel about things now.but here's whats going on in my head as of late.
i actually worked hard and got past my issues with absolutely NOT wanting a female T, and am seeing female now. i've grown to trust and yes even like my T. :^)
"ya, she's ok 4 a grl" says teen.but im upset and worried now. i dont know if its more me or teen.,...maybe both are thinking of just stopping T altogether.
well since the anger teen carries and expresses has ALWAYS scared me i was scared/worried to let it out... i told T that many many times. T kept saying that its ok to express her anger there (as long as i dont hit her or anything)....well teen did start to express. she yells and tenses up, and hits me sometimes....
on tuesday i kept switching between me, littleone and teen...very hard but teen out mostly.
anyway teen bluntly asked T if she even knew what she was doing (re me...them...us). i think cuz me and teen don't know whats going on or can control things that we think she not really sure what she's doing. -teen thinks that she just wants to have a patient with DD or would like to think she knows what she's doing but doesn't really? (though i do believe her to be pretty smart, not one that 'thinks' their smart, but really is)
so one thing led to another and T ended up saying that its not that she doesn't like teen, its that teen is sometimes intimidating and i don't know if she said scared but i think she said 'unsettles' her. Teens first reaction was 'well good', though she didnt' say that....but soon...it bothered her. teen told T that she would never hurt anyone only herself. but now it really bothering teen. she thinks that T doesn't know what to do with and therefore doens't want to deal with her. shes feeling REALLY rejected and i think she's shutting down. attitude, like she's not gonna go again.she's also upset cuz when little one tells memories and stuff T is really supportive and gentle...when teen reminded her that she got hurt too and re-told/reminded couple things T didn't seem as gentle more like "ya I remember you told me that one"...kinda casual (not direct quote, but what teen interpreted). i think teen was restating cuz she wanted more response from her? she feels that when littleone talks, T has sympathy for her and when teen talks, T thinks that teen should have controlled situation better and that 'stuff happens' and she'll get over it, or (and this is the big one) that what happened really wasnt that big a deal.
-now. T Never said anything like that or I (b2) would stop immediately. BUT that is Exactly how teen is seeing/feeling things.THEN, since T gave littleone hug same session...of course teen pushed that away, but she really wanted it herself i think. but then again, she'd probly never accept one.
so i (b2) can't even tell T that teen wants hug too cuz teen would push her away, i dont' know what to do with that either.
b2c
and she won't be quiet in my head if i don't include this that she said.
SEE<,THIS IS WHY I WILL ONLY TALK TO GUYS...CUZ THEY KNOW HOW TO REACT....THEY KNOW WHAT I NEED. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR F*CK*NG TRUSTING A GIRL! women only know how to be GOOD WITH CRYING PEOPLE...well maybe i need someone STRONG who will yell back? and maybe NOT..well i don't f*ck*ng know I"M NOT the damn therapist!
BUT i DON"T want to be around someone who DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME!!!!!!
b2t
Posted by Phillipa on October 11, 2007, at 13:15:31
In reply to confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by B2chica on October 11, 2007, at 12:41:38
B2 I'm getting a new one two for different reasons but current is cold and well not a good fit. Phillipa
Posted by muffled on October 11, 2007, at 14:55:07
In reply to confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by B2chica on October 11, 2007, at 12:41:38
**OMG B2, your experience has SO many similarities to mine...its actually freaky...
> ok, feelings about T confusing me a bit.
> and i keep thinking that maybe i need to just stop and/or find someone else...which does not appeal to me right now...way too hard and honestly i think that would just be it for me and therapy. and that's not an angry threat or anything, its just how i feel about things now.**yup, I the same..
>
> but here's whats going on in my head as of late.
> i actually worked hard and got past my issues with absolutely NOT wanting a female T, and am seeing female now. i've grown to trust and yes even like my T. :^)
> "ya, she's ok 4 a grl" says teen.*I could not work with a MALE! LOL. My toughie would be WAAAAAAY confrontational!
> but im upset and worried now. i dont know if its more me or teen.,...maybe both are thinking of just stopping T altogether.*yeah....getting kinda freaky eh?
> well since the anger teen carries and expresses has ALWAYS scared me i was scared/worried to let it out... i told T that many many times. T kept saying that its ok to express her anger there (as long as i dont hit her or anything)....well teen did start to express. she yells and tenses up, and hits me sometimes....**Sigh....I haven't expressed rage, I am afraid too.
I keep warning my T, never show fear...:-(
I keep asking T....are you afraid of me....:-(
I do this quite regularly, whenever I feel the anger bubbling.> on tuesday i kept switching between me, littleone and teen...very hard but teen out mostly.
> anyway teen bluntly asked T if she even knew what she was doing (re me...them...us). i think cuz me and teen don't know whats going on or can control things that we think she not really sure what she's doing. -teen thinks that she just wants to have a patient with DD or would like to think she knows what she's doing but doesn't really? (though i do believe her to be pretty smart, not one that 'thinks' their smart, but really is)*this is where you so much the same as me....I doubt my T too....whenever its getting tough...I doubt her. I sent her a fax yesterday asking 'CAN you handle me????' etc...
> so one thing led to another and T ended up saying that its not that she doesn't like teen, its that teen is sometimes intimidating and i don't know if she said scared but i think she said 'unsettles' her. Teens first reaction was 'well good', though she didnt' say that....but soon...it bothered her. teen told T that she would never hurt anyone only herself. but now it really bothering teen. she thinks that T doesn't know what to do with and therefore doens't want to deal with her. shes feeling REALLY rejected and i think she's shutting down. attitude, like she's not gonna go again.
**:-( Now see, that is my great fear :-(
That my T will show fear of me :-(
That would be the end I suspect of any T relationship.
I could nor bear to have her fear me :-(
But if the anger comes out...I'm not sure what I would do?
I don't think I would physically hurt her, but I might try and scare her, to make her go away...heaven help her if she ever touches me in that state...or tries to lock me in....:-( The whole think frankly scares the crap out of me :-(
If these are the thots teen is having, no wonder she is shutting down. Maybe she needs to talk to T bout this. This is a good post, maybe you can bring it in. I would also mention to T, that she should work on teen FIRST, because I think teen would likely be a GREAT help with that kid...IMHO only...
>
> she's also upset cuz when little one tells memories and stuff T is really supportive and gentle...when teen reminded her that she got hurt too and re-told/reminded couple things T didn't seem as gentle more like "ya I remember you told me that one"...kinda casual (not direct quote, but what teen interpreted). i think teen was restating cuz she wanted more response from her? she feels that when littleone talks, T has sympathy for her and when teen talks, T thinks that teen should have controlled situation better and that 'stuff happens' and she'll get over it, or (and this is the big one) that what happened really wasnt that big a deal.**Yup, reckon Teen really needs to do some talking and explain her position, or if teen is too angry and having a tough time communicating, maybe you can help her explain?
> -now. T Never said anything like that or I (b2) would stop immediately. BUT that is Exactly how teen is seeing/feeling things.
*Good for you for being so aware. And this is the thing that REALLY builds T, its COMMUNICATION, its talking bout all that kinda stuff. Working it out, and solving miscommunication.
> THEN, since T gave littleone hug same session...of course teen pushed that away, but she really wanted it herself i think. but then again, she'd probly never accept one.
*Ya we want hugs too, and tears, but we not allowed either.
But I think validation would go FAR with teen, and RESPECT for her, and her abilities.
> so i (b2) can't even tell T that teen wants hug too cuz teen would push her away, i dont' know what to do with that either.*Teens not ready for hug proly. Hopefully that time will come. teen proly needs other stuff first.
> b2c
>
>
> and she won't be quiet in my head if i don't include this that she said.*Now this is SO like me. I add stuff to e-mails just to shut my people up.
> SEE<,THIS IS WHY I WILL ONLY TALK TO GUYS...CUZ THEY KNOW HOW TO REACT....THEY KNOW WHAT I NEED. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR F*CK*NG TRUSTING A GIRL! women only know how to be GOOD WITH CRYING PEOPLE...well maybe i need someone STRONG who will yell back? and maybe NOT..well i don't f*ck*ng know I"M NOT the damn therapist!
> BUT i DON"T want to be around someone who DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME!!!!!!
> b2t**Glad to see you teen!
Maybe give that stupid woman T a chance.
Maybe with YOUR help she can learn.
Cuz she DON'T know it all. She is learning too. Nobody is all the same, each person id diff, so T goto get to know you and what you want/need. And T can (hopefully) help you figger this stuff.
Man you good at talking I think.
OK...so....
F*ck*ng stupid, MY T , f*ck*ng hose bag T she dumb *ss T....but mebbe I kinda like her too.
But she dumb *ss is what I say. ROFL she SAY she tough OMG TOUGH, f*ck man she GOT NO CLUE bout tough man, ohhh one of these days man, I'll show her fear, she don't know sh*t from squat.
THATS WHAT I SAY.
But I spose I learning to keep in line like some suck hole. One day. One day....
F*ck*ng damn straight.
HA!
Posted by muffled on October 11, 2007, at 15:25:31
In reply to Re: confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by muffled on October 11, 2007, at 14:55:07
I been sending her a zillion stupid emials, I'm not kidding mebbe 8 mails since she been gone!?!!!
And they ain't all pretty.
I said bout your T closing door, told her NEVER to do that.
I reiterated to 'show no fear'.
I keep telling her she dumb, stupid etc if she DON'T dump me.
And does SHE have HER sh*t together cuz we gonna wreck her otherwise.
And, am i too much for her?
Etc
Etc
Etc.
F*ck I hate T.
Dunno if she gonna dump me or not.
If she were smart she WOULD.
F*ck I hate T.
Not THE T, but therapy. I f*ck*ng hate therapy.
So I guess you not alone.....
I am SO full of sh*t.
Oh ya, I KNOW, I KNOW, I know it all....I am SOOOOO together.
F*ck*ng stupid sh*th**d am I.
So mebbe I go next Tues, mebbe she dump me.
Either way...y'know what?
I DON"T F*CK*NG CARE.
HA.
Posted by B2chica on October 11, 2007, at 15:31:22
In reply to Re: confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by muffled on October 11, 2007, at 14:55:07
muffled,i'm so glad you responded!
and sorry you going through same stuff...it really s@cks in head these days.and your response to teen @#($*&*#!! SO RIGHT ON.
she was YELLING inside along with you going "YA,... RIGHT,... THATS RIGHT...and swearing right along with ya....Thank YOU!she thinks T too soft to deal with her...but she likes T so she just thought, so what if b2l and b2c go to her and b2t go to another T???
ok, like i'm made of money...i mean seriously??? is this how teens think??ok...at library cuz i really needed to see if i had replies.
be back tomorrow.
thanks!
Posted by rskontos on October 11, 2007, at 15:48:22
In reply to confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by B2chica on October 11, 2007, at 12:41:38
B2c, this is rk I am not much of an expert mine just started coming up where I can hear them not seeing them yet but my T who has had alot of DD patients told me that I must make them feel calm. Not to try to control or yell at them but to I guess parent them in a way to make them feel safe since they didn't get that as a kid or teenager. To talk them down either outloud or inside your head or in a journal whatever works. I don't know what she would do if she was present since that hasn't happen. Mine is a female. I didn't have a preference, but I can see how if you have had a bad experience with one sex or the other you might prefer the opposite one the next time. I really don't think you should stop T though. You might want to explore another T one with DD experience. Maybe you should talk to T to ask her about her experience just to let your people know that you can handle their safety too. They do need to know they are safe with you, this is something my T told me. Maybe this helps. I don't know....i am new to this too.....
Posted by RealMe on October 11, 2007, at 22:15:55
In reply to confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by B2chica on October 11, 2007, at 12:41:38
Just like I thought; can you tell T that teen needs a hug too, that teen is hard on the outside and hurting on the inside. T needs to know how badly teen feels, and take your post with you so you teen does not let you forget. Okay?? I told you in another post that I really like teen; she has spunk.
RealMe
Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2007, at 8:02:37
In reply to Re: confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by rskontos on October 11, 2007, at 15:48:22
thanks RK
i did quite a bit of talking/listening to teen last night. she had lots to say bout the subject. and i think she is shutting down. she wants to just 'go away', i dont' know if that's suicidal talking or if its just that she's not going to be present....
i'm worried czu my depressions seems like it's been closer last weeks and last few days especially (might be related to teen stuff).with all that's going on in my life, 'getting to know' and trust another T just isn't in my best interest right now, either emotionally or financially. i just can't handle the thought of having to 'retell' some of that yuk even one more time.
i'm trying to get teen to write down stuff. or write T a letter but her thoughts are so fleeting, that i can't get them down on paper.
thank you for your kind words.
Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2007, at 8:05:16
In reply to Re: confusing feelings about T...not good fit? » B2chica, posted by RealMe on October 11, 2007, at 22:15:55
thanks realme.
i just dno't know that teen would accept a hug...cuz if T did it now she'd think its a pity hug and she dont want ANY of THAT!i want to take post with me...but i dont know.
we'll see how i feel about it next week.
i may just back off for a while.
thanks
b2
Posted by muffled on October 12, 2007, at 9:15:53
In reply to Re: confusing feelings about T...not good fit? » rskontos, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2007, at 8:02:37
(((((((((((((((((B2))))))))))))))))
To anybody who might want 'em.
You've had a busy week.
You tired.
Don't spose I been much help cuz I been so exited to meet your others...:-(
Ya, you goto trust youself, if you tired, you tired. You need a break s'ok.
Maybe you and T can just have a calming, teaching emotional modulation session. Keep intensity down. If others want to talk, OK, if not, thats OK too.
Sigh.
Don't think you should quit T....but space is OK too.
You done lotsa good work. No rush.
I admit. For me....T stirs stuff up :-(
But i want to get it over with and maybe be quieter inside. More at peace. I'm tired of the regular upsets. I want to learn to deal with what triggers me and learn not to spiral down...
But evrybody needs a break sometimes.
Even T's, thats why they take holidays.
Take it easy some B2.
You doing good, you deserve a break.
Here's hoping you can chill some.
Thinking of you.
M
Posted by B2chica on October 12, 2007, at 11:12:37
In reply to Re: confusing feelings about T...not good fit?, posted by muffled on October 12, 2007, at 9:15:53
man...depression is going strong today.
it started first thing this morning, didn't even want to get outta bed. then IRL littleone started crying and had to.
i noticed that if i'm taking care or tending to IRL littleone i'm not quite so bad...but the MINUTE i don't have to, i drop like a rock.
i mean even the minute i drop her off at daycare i plummet.and now (sorry muffy) i think teen retreated and will not come out again.
******SI TRIGGER*******
and i was so sad last night i cut...not badly but SI'd nonetheless.
on one hand i just don't want to cuz i have enough scars that i'll have to somehow explain to IRL kid dont' need anymore. but sometimes i just want to...(to not get graphic) i want to SEVERELY injure myself. with as much destruction and pain possible. so for me even a little SI is not good since it tends to escalate really quickly.hmmmm kinda sounds like the two are related huh. teen leaving and need to SI??? afterall, i DID used to cut when i was 14...which is about how old i think 'teen' is.
i think part of her not coming back out is attitude, but mostly i think she just really feeling hurt, sad, and hopeless bout herself.
*****************
and you been Great Help muffly.
and i don't know if its that i WANT to stop seeing T, as much as i think i might actually be too depressed to go. just dont wanna talk...wasted $$ ya know. i feel like my body jus dragging on ground.
dont really care much bout anything. dont have energy to give effort.
Posted by muffled on October 12, 2007, at 14:05:52
In reply to Re: heading down....*SI Trigger*** » muffled, posted by B2chica on October 12, 2007, at 11:12:37
Hope you can feel better.
Dunno how many times my IRL kids have somehow made me keep going. They are amazing.
Ya, the big SI thing. I thin bout that too.
Coupla times it got preety nasty, but not excessive really.
But i've thot about it...lots. Thankfully I never done it. Hope I don't.
I had a thot B2, what with you weaning and all. i found it hard, emotionally and hormonally giving up the breastfeeding. Its kinda a big deal for some, was for me. Mebbe thats contributing too?
Will your t talk on phone? or mebbe better not to. Gets stuff stirred just to hear voice.
Mebbe you can agree within that you will take 1 week break so all can rest. Then mebbe do something sppecial and nice just for you on day you would normnally have appt, and w/$$ you save mebbe get a little something?
Just a thot.
You know whats best.
Cares,
M
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