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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 5, 2007, at 7:53:30
I want to share my week as I feel it has marked a turning point in my relationship with my T.
Last week I felt so held back - I left both sessions frustrated at how unable I was to speak freely. I wrote my T a mail over the weekend trying to express how trapped I felt with my thoughts. I told him I loved him dearly but was in some ways scared of him - felt intimidated by his achievements (although he is humble) and was afraid to open up and that he would find me a fool. For me it was a very daring e-mail.
Monday's session felt just like the session before - difficult, long pauses, trying to make myself say what I thought but failing miserably. I finally asked him what he thought of my mail. He said he had replied that morning but I hadn't checked my mails. I brought up the part of the e-mail where I wrote how I loved him (I didn't express in what way, but I think he understands how I meant it as he later related it to the love I have for my father). He said he found it very brave of me to be open about this and that he was flattered and hoped these feelings and my attachment would bring me support and comfort.
I wasn't sure what to make of his response - I left the session feeling so vulnerable. I pretty much straight away sank into an intense feeling of despair - grief/mourning. A horrible, unbearable feeling and nothing I did made it better. As the week went on, I sank lower - felt like I needed to cry and cry but I couldn't. Everything and everyone around me seemed to be out to get me - any trivial thing upset and hit me like a tonne of bricks. And all the other symptoms of depression were intensified again - the nausea, exhaustion, restlessness.
On Wednesday my partner had to go away for a conference - I didn't want him to worry about my frame of mind so I kept it to myself. At 4:30pm I got a call from my new Pdoc. I'd mixed up the date of my appointment and he was sat there expecting me to show up. Just a stupid mistake but I felt sooo bad (like I'd committed a horrific crime!) - so I cycled over to him as fast as I could (he only lives a short distance away). The session was unpleasant - I just want him to manage my meds - I'm not fussed for his transactional analysis!! He encouraged me to share any difficult feelings so I admitted to feeling terrible and he told me to distract myself, exercise bla bla - well I'm doing a lot of things now and this week I felt all the worse while doing them - like trying to be busy and being busy with despair at the same time. Anyway, I left feeling worse than before :( grr
So on the Wednesday evening I phoned my T and asked if I could see him a bit sooner so he said to come the following morning. It was such a good session - I felt so understood. He said he took great pride and pleasure in being so important to me and insisted that our relationship was the most important aspect of the therapy. I admitted that I felt uncomfortable with my feelings - feeling so needy towards another person, how weak it made me feel - like being under a spell - and he told me there was absolutely no need to be ashamed and that he was there for me.
We talked more about my father - how he let me down, sacrificed me for my mother and watched me suffer without saying a word - but yet how much I always loved him and the hurt it caused that he rejected that love. Then I likened the feeling to that of the love in the therapeutic context - how it felt unrequited and inauthentic. I muttered that "I guess you are just serving as an object of my transference" and he quickly countered that with "no, I am a person, of course there are boundaries and professional objectivity but I am still me, I am still here as a person and you are responding to me, not an object, as I am responding to you".
Today I saw my T again. The session gave me such a nice feeling - one of total acceptance. I asked whether I could fix things again having dropped out of university (I know it sounds like a crazy question but it really feels the end of the world to me) - I recalled how the most hurtful thing of the incident in Oxford was how my father said he was disappointed in me. It feels like I will carry his disappointment with me forever. My T assured me that 22 is still very young and that there is plenty of time to do whatever I want - then he told a little about himself. He said when he was my age he was lost and in trouble - confused and with no idea what to do in life. At 29 his father had said the same exact thing - that he was disappointed in him, which made us both smile. It was then that he discovered analysis and began to pursue it - first for himself, his own analysis, and then as a profession. Now he is in his late 60s, an honored professor. It gave me such a sense of relief - today I feel so much better and closer to him.
I feel very lucky to have him as my T - he is always there for me.
Ok... sorry this was so long - I just wanted to share.
Witti
Posted by Dinah on October 5, 2007, at 8:16:35
In reply to Feeling closer to my T, posted by Wittgenstein on October 5, 2007, at 7:53:30
I'm glad.
It sounds like a difficult and scary time, but one that really paid off.
Posted by Dory on October 5, 2007, at 16:58:05
In reply to Feeling closer to my T, posted by Wittgenstein on October 5, 2007, at 7:53:30
Witty, i just want to wrap you up in a blanket and hug you. i am so happy for you and so very proud of you. You were tentative about starting therapy, and i was afraid you would not hold on through the initial portion.. until you got connected with your T. It is like a spell sometimes, but it can help you heal. It will have hard times, disconnected times, but the solid relationship you are building now will see you through. This is such a beautiful thing to have shared.
> Last week I felt so held back - I left both sessions frustrated at how unable I was to speak freely.
>
> Monday's session felt just like the session before - difficult, long pauses, trying to make myself say what I thought but failing miserably.
> I left the session feeling so vulnerable. I pretty much straight away sank into an intense feeling of despair - grief/mourning. As the week went on, I sank lower - felt like I needed to cry and cry but I couldn't.good god.. i think we had the same sessions. i felt so alone, and like i was grieving. i called my T and told him i felt so hopeless and couldn't explain why.
((((witty)))) )))))bad sessions((((
>
> He said he took great pride and pleasure in being so important to me and insisted that our relationship was the most important aspect of the therapy.It *is* the most important thing.. i believe that too. It is such a beautiful statement.. that he takes pride and pleasure in being so important to you.. it makes me want to cry, but a happy cry... this is where i want to hug you. :o)
>
>I muttered that "I guess you are just serving as an object of my transference" and he quickly countered that with "no, I am a person, of course there are boundaries and professional objectivity but I am still me, I am still here as a person and you are responding to me, not an object, as I am responding to you".this is such good reasoning on his part... i had never thought of it that way before either. i have been forelorn knowing that my T is the "object of my transference" as you say.
> Ok... sorry this was so long - I just wanted to share.
Thank you for sharing this. It's comforting to hear, both for my own journey, but also for yours.
Posted by happyflower on October 5, 2007, at 18:25:07
In reply to Feeling closer to my T, posted by Wittgenstein on October 5, 2007, at 7:53:30
Hi Witty~!
SOunds like you have been working hard in therapy and I am glad you are feeling better about your T. I love sessions like that! I didn't realize you were so young! I thought you were more my age, hey I am starting my life over, it happens even for us old f*rts.
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 7, 2007, at 8:55:03
In reply to Re: Feeling closer to my T » Wittgenstein, posted by Dory on October 5, 2007, at 16:58:05
Hi Dory,
Thanks for your reply. Those last 2 sessions meant so much - I really see them as a turning point. I feel I can trust him more now. Next week he goes away but I'll hold onto the things he said.
Witti
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 7, 2007, at 9:02:31
In reply to Re: Feeling closer to my T, posted by happyflower on October 5, 2007, at 18:25:07
HF,
Thank you for your reply. I am still **young** (although feel so old hehe). It gives me such energy to hear about other babblers and how they are succeeding and going on with their lives. I'm so proud of you and others for their accomplishments. Everytime you share another success it brings a smile to my face and gives me hope for my future.
It's a difficult thing for a T to decide whether or not to divulge something about himself - it can be risky, but I'm very grateful for my T sharing what he did - it has made him more reachable and in return I have become more reachable to him.
I'm very glad I came to therapy and have stuck at it - I'm gaining such a lot.
Witti :)
Posted by JoniS on October 8, 2007, at 8:24:08
In reply to Feeling closer to my T, posted by Wittgenstein on October 5, 2007, at 7:53:30
Witti,
I just wanted to say thanks for posting and that was a great post.
When I read your post the other day I was in too big a hurry to add a post but it really struck me how "wise" and mature you souned. Then to see that you are only 22 - that's amazing. I thought "I wish I had that wisdom now, let alone at 22!
Anyway, that's a compliment. (may not seem like one from this old lady of 46) My kids are 23 and 26. I love them dearly but I know neither of them are at your level of maturity. Great Work!
Best to you!
Joni
Posted by Wittgenstein on October 9, 2007, at 5:49:33
In reply to Re: Feeling closer to my T, posted by JoniS on October 8, 2007, at 8:24:08
Thanks Joni,
That was really sweet of you. Only I wish I felt as wise as you say I am :) - instead I often feel like a lost little girl.I bet you're a great mum to your kids.
Take care,
Witti :)
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