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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 7:47:53
i had cancelled then un-cancelled... i am swamped and stressed and feeling like i couldn't go because i couldn't process but then like i needed to go to stay sane. i was kind of counting on him helping me calm down...
now i feel even more stressed. i can't stop the irrational idea that my cancelling the first time caused this...like it's my fault.. that i starting some kind of domino thing that ended in this. It's my own fault for considering going back down to one session per week.
ok.. i know i am overwhelming myself. i have learned lately that when i start to get that way, or if T and i talk about something deep, i get this weird drowsiness come over me... hard to focus my vision.. hard to think... hard to listen or follow what he says... and then later i don't remember any of what he said. What does that mean? what is happening then? i'm too afraid to ask my T.
don't know how to handle the stress today. :o( so worried.. so scared. i'm a failure. No, really.. i am. i've just been dumb enough to have kept trying when it has been impossible to make it. i am settingmyself up to fail now. Why didn't choose to try to be a plumber or even an office assistant? Something practical, something that could possibly, potentially result in a rewarding outcome? Why did i have to choose a field in which "success" is almost a ridiculous idea? One where i will likely have to suffer low end jobs without hope of ever being secure.
i'm a nervous neurotic mess. i tell my T all the time i am *not* real people. i'm a freak, a genetic mistake.
i'm going to be a homeless baglady. :o(
Posted by seldomseen on September 27, 2007, at 8:06:21
In reply to my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed, posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 7:47:53
Dory,
You are alright okay? You are just stressed to the max and a little overwhelmed. We have all been there.
How many times did I wish that I had chosen a low stress job. How many times did the self-doubt threaten everything that I had worked so hard for. How many times did I think about just walking away.
More times than I can count. But you know what? I didn't.
Even at times when I was at my lowest, I just white-knuckled it and held on - I was always surprised at the outcome.
I know that you can hold on and you will surprise yourself too.
The best advice that I have heard regarding self-doubt is "don't think, just work". I have passed that advice on many many times.
Don't think dory, just work. That's all you have to do right now.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Seldom.
Posted by muffled on September 27, 2007, at 11:10:47
In reply to my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed, posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 7:47:53
> i had cancelled then un-cancelled... i am swamped and stressed and feeling like i couldn't go because i couldn't process but then like i needed to go to stay sane. i was kind of counting on him helping me calm down...
*yeah, my T keeps me sane I swear.
> now i feel even more stressed. i can't stop the irrational idea that my cancelling the first time caused this...like it's my fault.. that i starting some kind of domino thing that ended in this. It's my own fault for considering going back down to one session per week.*Nobodys fault. Just the way things worked out. Sucks, but it'll be OK somehow.
> ok.. i know i am overwhelming myself. i have learned lately that when i start to get that way, or if T and i talk about something deep, i get this weird drowsiness come over me... hard to focus my vision.. hard to think... hard to listen or follow what he says... and then later i don't remember any of what he said. What does that mean? what is happening then? i'm too afraid to ask my T.*Dory, I dunno if you can tell, but you have ALREADY made big progress. Your posts have more self knowledge about the 'stuff' thats going on inside. I think you must be doing good work with your T.
The drowsiness etc thing is a perfect desciption of you dissociating. I call it blanking out, or 'leaving'. Its a normal response. LOTS of people do it. If you feel yourself leaving, then you can try and 'ground' yourself back (doesn't work for me), and sometimes your T can talk you back if they notice it. It can be hard to notice until too late. My T has taken to asking regularly, 'are you with me?', to see if I am there. Sometimes I say 'yes', but I not so there...But mostly these days I do not leave. HUGE improvement. I think it just took time for me to be less afraid of so many things, and then it eased up.
Maybe your T could make extra notes for you of your sessions during this time when you are being more dissociative? It is frustarating to not remember... Maybe he could regular 'check in' to see if you there? At any rate, don't sweat it, its no big deal, its certainly not weird, it does pass w/time.
> don't know how to handle the stress today. :o( so worried.. so scared. i'm a failure. No, really.. i am. i've just been dumb enough to have kept trying when it has been impossible to make it. i am settingmyself up to fail now. Why didn't choose to try to be a plumber or even an office assistant? Something practical, something that could possibly, potentially result in a rewarding outcome? Why did i have to choose a field in which "success" is almost a ridiculous idea? One where i will likely have to suffer low end jobs without hope of ever being secure.*well the CBT trained part of me says write down the negative thots on paper, the refute or replace them with kinder more postive 'true' thots as best you can. If this is proving impossible, then try and get T to help next session.
> i'm a nervous neurotic mess. i tell my T all the time i am *not* real people. i'm a freak, a genetic mistake.*Yup. I do that too. But you are not, any more than I guess I am (ugh, thats hard to say bout myself).
We just are working hard to better ourselves.
My T keeps telling me I'm brave to do the work in T that I'm doing. I'm more inclined to think 'desparate' would be a better descriptor...
So Dory, listen to my Toughie:
DORY!!!!! You SO NOT a freak awright???? If you a freak then I a freak and I not a freak so stick THAT in yer pipe and smoke it babe.
Hmmmm.
Well, anyways, hope you can take some deep breaths from your belly and relax a wee bit.> i'm going to be a homeless baglady. :o(
**Sigh, my good dream when I was drinking....to die in the street, drunk.
My worst fear, to be stuck, sick, in an empty alone room with puke on the floor, shaking, and worst thing.....no $$ for booze. No way to make money(old ugly...) for booze...
I may be a bit twisted(NO KIDDING!) but homeless bag lady don't seem all bad. Just sucks to be sick when on the street. No warm bed to crawl into. No kettle to make warn drinks. No bathtub. ((((Bathtub))) But otherwise WTF.
I lived in a car for a bit. Hardest part was keeping clean...
Take care Dory.
You OK, hear me? you OK.
M
Posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 18:29:56
In reply to Re: my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed, posted by seldomseen on September 27, 2007, at 8:06:21
my advisor says "just create, don't analyze" which i guess it's about the same as what you are saying. i need to just DO and not think. You're right, you're both right. i just don't understand what keeps me hanging out online instead of writing my proposals.
It's too late now to do two of them, i am shooting for just the one now. It's more important than the other two.
repeating mantra:
i cannot do it all and that's ok
i cannot do it all and that's ok
i cannot do it all and that's ok
i cannot do it all and that's ok
i cannot do it all and that's ok
i cannot do it all and that's ok
i cannot do it all and that's ok
Posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 18:43:22
In reply to Re: my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed » Dory, posted by muffled on September 27, 2007, at 11:10:47
>The drowsiness etc thing is a perfect desciption of you dissociating. I call it blanking out, or 'leaving'. Its a normal response. LOTS of people do it. If you feel yourself leaving, then you can try and 'ground' yourself back (doesn't work for me), and sometimes your T can talk you back if they notice it. It can be hard to notice until too late.
Maybe your T could make extra notes for you of your sessions during this time when you are being more dissociative? It is frustarating to not remember... Maybe he could regular 'check in' to see if you there?
i can't tell him about this... seriously. i am amazed that you can and do. It's very brave. i am not that brave. i don't know if that is dissociating... i don't think so somehow. i don't know.. either way, that is not going to be something he will ever hear. Nope.i miss him. i feel alone.
baglady would be my worst fear... remember all the medical issues i have... i'm already so alone in the world.. don't want to end up even more alone with no family or friends. i have always wanted to make something of myself.. don't want to fail but i can't seem to make it. i am disappointing myself and so many others.
Posted by muffled on September 27, 2007, at 21:06:26
In reply to Re: my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed » muffled, posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 18:43:22
> i can't tell him about this... seriously. i am amazed that you can and do. It's very brave. i am not that brave. i don't know if that is dissociating... i don't think so somehow. i don't know.. either way, that is not going to be something he will ever hear. Nope.*I didn't know what it was at first. then babble helped me.
Seriously, it IS a normal thing.
Do you daydeam?
Do you get so involved in a movie that you don't notice the kettles been boiling for 10 mins! Do you ever get so involved in a book that you lose track of time? These are all examples of dissociating. Everybody does it to some extent. ITS NOT WEIRD! Its not indicative of anything horrible. Its just a clever way the mind has of protecting itself when it feels threatened, and I'm SURE you T knows about it. Its a broad thing this dissociation. Diff people experience it diff ways.It can be simple as daydreams, or as complicated as DID, and everything in between! I used to do alot. Now I don't, even when I wished I could!
So I not so sure why you don't want to tell your T, cuz it would be useful for him to know, or you end up wasting alot of therapy time...and money, ugh. I sure did.> baglady would be my worst fear... remember all the medical issues i have... i'm already so alone in the world.. don't want to end up even more alone with no family or friends. i have always wanted to make something of myself.. don't want to fail but i can't seem to make it. i am disappointing myself and so many others.
*Ya, being sick on the street is no fun. people make do i guess, and yes, some die.
But I wouldn't worry bout it right now, just focus on the task at hand. Looking ahead can be scarey, I try not to.
One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Whatever it takes.
You got spunk Dory.
Hang in there.
M
Posted by RealMe on September 30, 2007, at 23:47:00
In reply to my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed, posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 7:47:53
Dory
I hope you were able to get a hold of your T and schedule something and let him know what you said here on this post. He will now better how to help you if he has this information even if you don't talk about it in that session. Make a copy of what you wrote here, and take it with you. Seriously, it could help quite a bit.
RealMe
This is the end of the thread.
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