Posted by muffled on September 27, 2007, at 11:10:47
In reply to my T cancelled my appt :o( so stressed, posted by Dory on September 27, 2007, at 7:47:53
> i had cancelled then un-cancelled... i am swamped and stressed and feeling like i couldn't go because i couldn't process but then like i needed to go to stay sane. i was kind of counting on him helping me calm down...
*yeah, my T keeps me sane I swear.
> now i feel even more stressed. i can't stop the irrational idea that my cancelling the first time caused this...like it's my fault.. that i starting some kind of domino thing that ended in this. It's my own fault for considering going back down to one session per week.*Nobodys fault. Just the way things worked out. Sucks, but it'll be OK somehow.
> ok.. i know i am overwhelming myself. i have learned lately that when i start to get that way, or if T and i talk about something deep, i get this weird drowsiness come over me... hard to focus my vision.. hard to think... hard to listen or follow what he says... and then later i don't remember any of what he said. What does that mean? what is happening then? i'm too afraid to ask my T.*Dory, I dunno if you can tell, but you have ALREADY made big progress. Your posts have more self knowledge about the 'stuff' thats going on inside. I think you must be doing good work with your T.
The drowsiness etc thing is a perfect desciption of you dissociating. I call it blanking out, or 'leaving'. Its a normal response. LOTS of people do it. If you feel yourself leaving, then you can try and 'ground' yourself back (doesn't work for me), and sometimes your T can talk you back if they notice it. It can be hard to notice until too late. My T has taken to asking regularly, 'are you with me?', to see if I am there. Sometimes I say 'yes', but I not so there...But mostly these days I do not leave. HUGE improvement. I think it just took time for me to be less afraid of so many things, and then it eased up.
Maybe your T could make extra notes for you of your sessions during this time when you are being more dissociative? It is frustarating to not remember... Maybe he could regular 'check in' to see if you there? At any rate, don't sweat it, its no big deal, its certainly not weird, it does pass w/time.
> don't know how to handle the stress today. :o( so worried.. so scared. i'm a failure. No, really.. i am. i've just been dumb enough to have kept trying when it has been impossible to make it. i am settingmyself up to fail now. Why didn't choose to try to be a plumber or even an office assistant? Something practical, something that could possibly, potentially result in a rewarding outcome? Why did i have to choose a field in which "success" is almost a ridiculous idea? One where i will likely have to suffer low end jobs without hope of ever being secure.*well the CBT trained part of me says write down the negative thots on paper, the refute or replace them with kinder more postive 'true' thots as best you can. If this is proving impossible, then try and get T to help next session.
> i'm a nervous neurotic mess. i tell my T all the time i am *not* real people. i'm a freak, a genetic mistake.*Yup. I do that too. But you are not, any more than I guess I am (ugh, thats hard to say bout myself).
We just are working hard to better ourselves.
My T keeps telling me I'm brave to do the work in T that I'm doing. I'm more inclined to think 'desparate' would be a better descriptor...
So Dory, listen to my Toughie:
DORY!!!!! You SO NOT a freak awright???? If you a freak then I a freak and I not a freak so stick THAT in yer pipe and smoke it babe.
Hmmmm.
Well, anyways, hope you can take some deep breaths from your belly and relax a wee bit.> i'm going to be a homeless baglady. :o(
**Sigh, my good dream when I was drinking....to die in the street, drunk.
My worst fear, to be stuck, sick, in an empty alone room with puke on the floor, shaking, and worst thing.....no $$ for booze. No way to make money(old ugly...) for booze...
I may be a bit twisted(NO KIDDING!) but homeless bag lady don't seem all bad. Just sucks to be sick when on the street. No warm bed to crawl into. No kettle to make warn drinks. No bathtub. ((((Bathtub))) But otherwise WTF.
I lived in a car for a bit. Hardest part was keeping clean...
Take care Dory.
You OK, hear me? you OK.
M
poster:muffled
thread:785479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/785499.html