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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 18:31:02
I've officially communicated with my ex-T nonanonymously. It wasn't planned. Well, not consciously. I sent her an email intended to hurt from an email account that I thought I had set up to be anonymous, but as soon as I hit send I realized my first name was on it. And my first name is unusual enough that I knew she would know immediately it was from me.When I first realized this, my heart started to pound, but then I thought: who cares???? I have no respect for this woman. So it doesn't matter what she thinks of me. But then she wrote me back and her patronizing tone ticked me off so much that I refused to let her have the last word.
The following is our exchange, for those who are interested. I have changed my name to crushed and hers to Ellen to protect our identities:
To: Ellen
From: crushed
Subject: thank youI wanted to thank you for your blog. It's truly made me appreciate my mother like never before in my life. Because she was nowhere near as bad a mother as you seem to be.
To: crushed
From: EllenDear crushed,
Well, I've been wondering if you've been reading, and if you have, how you have been dealing with it. I gather from your comments that reading about my mothering philosophy has stirred up a lot of intense feeling.
I know you may not believe me, but I am very sorry about the pain you are experiencing. I'll always wish you well.
Ellen
To: Ellen
From: crushedEllen,
Actually, you are wrong. Your mothering philosophy has not caused me any intense emotion. At first, I was perplexed by it because I couldn't figure out what you were talking about; then I found it was giving me a newfound appreciation for my parents and the ways that
they raised me. So for that I was truly grateful. I
probably sounded like I was just trying to be mean, and while meanness may have been part of it, everything I said was sincere.I am actually not in any pain around anything having to do with you. I do feel concern for your patients, and I worry that I should do something to protect them. And I'm angry at your for being such an irresponsible person, but the anger is long overdue and utterly justified. For some reason, that kind of anger doesn't really feel painful--it feels satisfying, and healing.
So your "sorry" for my pain is misplaced. I'm sorry
you are so ambivalent about motherhood. That seems like a real drag for you. (And that was insincere.)If I thought there were any real hope of getting
through to you, I might try to engage in a more
productive manner. As it is, I feel like you are too
good at rationalizing to yourself to really hear
anything I have to say that doesn't salve your fragile ego.Good luck,
crushed
To: crushed
From: EllenDear crushed,
I'm glad that you are sincerely appreciating your parents but I'm afraid that you are seriously misunderstanding me if you think that I'm ambivalent about motherhood. Perhaps, as you say, it is impossible at this point for us to reach understanding since we see things so differently. I am sad about this, and I continue to wish you the best.
Ellen
To: Ellen
From: crushedEllen,
This is such a good example of how you miss the boat. Why would your concern be convincing me you aren't ambivalent about motherhood? Why would you care what I think in that area, especially since it has nothing to do with me? There was plenty else in that email to respond to, yet that is what you focused on.
It seems like a perfect instance of your inability to even just notice someone else's needs rather than your own. It's a terrible quality for a therapist to have (and probably also a mother, although that's not my business).
crushed
Posted by muffled on June 15, 2007, at 20:53:44
In reply to I let the cat out of the bag (longish), posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 18:31:02
Sigh, I dunno what to say crushed, cept its sad :-(
Take care youself.
M
Posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 21:05:59
In reply to I let the cat out of the bag (longish), posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 18:31:02
Hmm. What's sad about it, I'm wondering. Are you sad for her or for me? Or both?I kind of wish I hadn't posted it. I feel a little stupid about it.
Posted by Phillipa on June 15, 2007, at 21:40:30
In reply to Re: I let the cat out of the bag (longish) » crushedout, posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 21:05:59
If it's true why feel bad about sending the e-mail. You know just because someone has a degree doesn't make them good at what they do. At least that's the way I see it. Love Phillipa
Posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 21:53:04
In reply to Re: I let the cat out of the bag (longish) » crushedout, posted by Phillipa on June 15, 2007, at 21:40:30
You are so right.
Posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 21:53:42
In reply to Thanks Phillippa, posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 21:53:04
Posted by muffled on June 15, 2007, at 22:13:18
In reply to I let the cat out of the bag (longish), posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 18:31:02
Don't feel stupid. Its useful I'm sure for some. Mebbe me too.
I just sad at the hurt, the confusion, the lack of understanding.
I sad for you, for her, for all of humanity.
M
Posted by JouezMoi on June 19, 2007, at 6:43:41
In reply to Re: I let the cat out of the bag (longish) » crushedout, posted by muffled on June 15, 2007, at 22:13:18
Dear CrushedOut,
You don't know me. I'm a lurker here, going through therapy and enjoying reading all of the posts about other people's experiences. NTW, morning to everyone.
I think you handled your ex-T very well in the end. She left you feeling powerless and not only did you regain your self-power, you made her aware that she too has issues that she may have been counter-transferring to you. Even though she would never articulate it, I am sure by your last e-mail, she would have got it. Hats off to you.
Posted by crushedout on June 19, 2007, at 9:08:58
In reply to Re: I let the cat out of the bag (longish), posted by JouezMoi on June 19, 2007, at 6:43:41
Thanks, Jouez. :)
And thanks for posting.
This is the end of the thread.
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