Posted by crushedout on June 15, 2007, at 18:31:02
I've officially communicated with my ex-T nonanonymously. It wasn't planned. Well, not consciously. I sent her an email intended to hurt from an email account that I thought I had set up to be anonymous, but as soon as I hit send I realized my first name was on it. And my first name is unusual enough that I knew she would know immediately it was from me.When I first realized this, my heart started to pound, but then I thought: who cares???? I have no respect for this woman. So it doesn't matter what she thinks of me. But then she wrote me back and her patronizing tone ticked me off so much that I refused to let her have the last word.
The following is our exchange, for those who are interested. I have changed my name to crushed and hers to Ellen to protect our identities:
To: Ellen
From: crushed
Subject: thank youI wanted to thank you for your blog. It's truly made me appreciate my mother like never before in my life. Because she was nowhere near as bad a mother as you seem to be.
To: crushed
From: EllenDear crushed,
Well, I've been wondering if you've been reading, and if you have, how you have been dealing with it. I gather from your comments that reading about my mothering philosophy has stirred up a lot of intense feeling.
I know you may not believe me, but I am very sorry about the pain you are experiencing. I'll always wish you well.
Ellen
To: Ellen
From: crushedEllen,
Actually, you are wrong. Your mothering philosophy has not caused me any intense emotion. At first, I was perplexed by it because I couldn't figure out what you were talking about; then I found it was giving me a newfound appreciation for my parents and the ways that
they raised me. So for that I was truly grateful. I
probably sounded like I was just trying to be mean, and while meanness may have been part of it, everything I said was sincere.I am actually not in any pain around anything having to do with you. I do feel concern for your patients, and I worry that I should do something to protect them. And I'm angry at your for being such an irresponsible person, but the anger is long overdue and utterly justified. For some reason, that kind of anger doesn't really feel painful--it feels satisfying, and healing.
So your "sorry" for my pain is misplaced. I'm sorry
you are so ambivalent about motherhood. That seems like a real drag for you. (And that was insincere.)If I thought there were any real hope of getting
through to you, I might try to engage in a more
productive manner. As it is, I feel like you are too
good at rationalizing to yourself to really hear
anything I have to say that doesn't salve your fragile ego.Good luck,
crushed
To: crushed
From: EllenDear crushed,
I'm glad that you are sincerely appreciating your parents but I'm afraid that you are seriously misunderstanding me if you think that I'm ambivalent about motherhood. Perhaps, as you say, it is impossible at this point for us to reach understanding since we see things so differently. I am sad about this, and I continue to wish you the best.
Ellen
To: Ellen
From: crushedEllen,
This is such a good example of how you miss the boat. Why would your concern be convincing me you aren't ambivalent about motherhood? Why would you care what I think in that area, especially since it has nothing to do with me? There was plenty else in that email to respond to, yet that is what you focused on.
It seems like a perfect instance of your inability to even just notice someone else's needs rather than your own. It's a terrible quality for a therapist to have (and probably also a mother, although that's not my business).
crushed
poster:crushedout
thread:763438
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/763438.html