![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 13:57:31
i saw my pdoc yesterday and it went well med-wise and stuff... he talks to me like an equal and has a lot of respect for my intelligence (appropriately placed or not). When i told him i wasn't getting responses on office jobs because of not have this or that software he shook his head and just said "they have no idea who they are dealing with..." That felt nice. When i am working i am very dedicated and i work really hard.
he told me why dr idiot really was dr major idiot. and he gave me a script for a pain med that is also supposed to help social anxiety and some other stuff i forget. Dr major idiot didn't have the balls to give me that med. He put me back on the AD i had been on and at a higher dose. He authorized an increase in the clonazepam b/c he knew i was taking more anyway and was trying to strike a bargain with me. (he knows when i lie too)
he was really good with me and said he hadn't seen me this bad in years... he was genuinely concerned. he said he was surprised i hadn't called him.
then things went bad... i told him i didn't b/c he said something last time which hurt me. Well, lucky me he's had 3 people this week give him crap about something he said off the cuff. His stuff not mine and he admitted that, even said it was hard to admit... but it didn't set a good tone. He said he understood and he knew it would never have bothered me if i had been doing well... he did understand.
but it was too late. i felt like dog poo... nasty dog poo...like in the ruts in your shoe that you need a toothpick to scrape out. (nice visual eh) It had hurt, but i have known this guy for 10 yrs and i know his personality.. he has a heart of gold, but he just says stuff that sounds flippant sometimes. He never means that. i KNOW that. i have KNOWN it for at least 9 of the 10 years. And i know howmuch we are alike and i know how much he has liked me. But did i give him one ounce of credit? nope.
i could tell i had hurt him and i could understand why he would be frustrated even if it is his stuff.
dog poo
dog poo
i obssessed all night long. i cried. i was afraid he was mad at me. i hate hurting people. i got very angry. at myself mostly. hate myself.
more dog poo
so i left a pleading message and he called me first thing this morning. He sounded chipper and refreshed (he asked if i was ok with him eating crackers while i had been there b/c he was starving). He was very kind... he doesn't really do that extra-soft T voice... but he was gentle. He said that he was in no way upset with me, he understood why it had hurt and why i was afraid. He knew it was b/c i was in such trouble depression-wise. He joked that had he been really mad he would have just said "that is something you should talk about with your T." Meaning he would have avoided it. He said it was better i worked through the issue with him.
It felt good, a relief for a bit anyway. i know the fear and obssessing will return and i'll end up calling again over the weekend. I know myself well enough.. but that's ok. It won't be as bad and i know he'll be ok with it.
on other stuff... i also talked to a lady i have confided to in the past, as a semi-friend thingy. SHe has a lot of experience in mental health and knows me well. She was the first person i told about the stuff going on at home after a year of living in silence about it. She told me to quit the job b/c i was not giving myself what i knew i needed, just punishing myself for not being "as good" as other healthy people. SHe said to not take the job with the 12 shifts b/c it would f*ck up my sleep and i am BP in a deep depression. (smart lady) Then she said "Get your *ss out of the chair every day and make use of the resources out there to help you." :o)
She is checking into resources to help people with disabilities find work in supported environments. i qualify due to my BP as well as the increasing physical stuff. Great. Make work program for tards. But she's right. It would make more sense and be more accomodating.
ok. the decision seems to be (at this exact second anyway) that i am keeping the job for a few shifts just to try and see how bad the pain gets. i am about to get dressed (finally at 330pm) and go downtown to meet a lady who might be able to help me. Then I am going to express post my DVD to Aussie. I might even buy me some more daisies and some food.
getting *ss in gear.
Posted by Honore on May 31, 2007, at 16:20:28
In reply to pdoc and *ss in gear (way too long), posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 13:57:31
Gazo-- good for you.
-for taking care of yourself a little
-for letting your pdoc comfort you, and not beating yourself up more than you already did for letting him know he hurt you (even people with hearts of gold can hurt other people-- and it's good to get it worked out, you don't need to think of yourself as mean, for doing that)
-and oh-- did I say getting your *ss in gear-- and sending your dvd out? that's great!Maybe you have a heart of gold buried somewhere in the dog poo? Maybe?
Honore
Posted by muffled on May 31, 2007, at 17:42:19
In reply to Re: pdoc and *ss in gear (way too long), posted by Honore on May 31, 2007, at 16:20:28
Posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 18:03:12
In reply to pdoc and *ss in gear (way too long), posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 13:57:31
Posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 18:21:41
In reply to pdoc and *ss in gear (way too long), posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 13:57:31
i like saying dog poo.
so i managed to get out of the house, late for bus, got off at wrong stop, paid for second bus to get to the agency that was closed. :o( i will dig up their webpage or something so i can find out when is best to go. But it means i don't have that info now in helping me decide what to do about the job i have.
development number 2.. H. He needs flex hrs (long story) but has not asked for them yet at new job. He got into work at about 2pm their time. :-O So, here i am considering needing him as a resource if i leave this job, but fearing he could be fired again.
i want to leave this job because the pain is bad. After about an hour i am in tremendous pain.. and it gets worse the next day. Otherwise it's not so bad. The people are nice. It gets me out of the house i guess.
i would really really like not having to get out of the house. i am deeply depressed and i am rpone to isolation, but i am burnt out too. i want some time where i don't *have* to be anywhere. i have never had a vacation since i became an adult. Never. How fair is that?
so i don't know.. i am supposed to work an 8hr shift tomorrow. That will kill me. But it lessens the fear of what H is doing/not doing.
Posted by sleepygirl on May 31, 2007, at 23:02:35
In reply to dilemma update...and dog poo, posted by gazo on May 31, 2007, at 18:21:41
awww sweetie, you are awesome you know that?
you sound like you might be feeling pretty "raw" as I like to call it....gotta slow down and not shut down
(((gazo)))
-sg
Posted by gazo on June 1, 2007, at 18:46:44
In reply to Re: dilemma update...and dog poo » gazo, posted by sleepygirl on May 31, 2007, at 23:02:35
sleepy girl likes dog poo... :o)
i am burnt out
Posted by gazo on June 1, 2007, at 18:57:14
In reply to Re: dilemma update...and dog poo » gazo, posted by sleepygirl on May 31, 2007, at 23:02:35
so.. 8 hr shift sucked donkey butt.i am in so much pain.
new twist.. got home to find a phone messgae from another interview i did. i think that they want to hire me. That would mean more pay per hour and guaranteed hrs.. both of whic are good. Walking distance from home too. BUT..and there is always a but... it is 12 shifts, including back shifts. That would be 3 to 4 shifts straight. Not the best option for a bipolar. 4 days of f*cked up sleep could mean a few weeks vacation all expenses included at hotel lalaland.
i don't know. i'm f*cked up. got new pain drugs and i am stoned. also got booze and my toes feel all happy.
i want cheese cake...hold the donkey butt and dog poo please
Posted by muffled on June 1, 2007, at 22:31:51
In reply to Re: dilemma update...and dog poo, posted by gazo on June 1, 2007, at 18:57:14
Hmmmm, could you ask p-doc what he thinks?
He proly would wanto know what with working on your meds and all.
Glad you got some pain meds.
Thanks for update, I appreciate that.
:-)
Muffled
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.