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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on May 27, 2007, at 10:02:23
I'm so freaked out the past couple weeks that my T is going to leave. It's based on absolutely nothing real, since he just told me a little while ago I can talk to him on the phone even after I graduate as long as I want/need to or until he retires, which is a ways off.
We've drawn some really good connections with my past about how my parents were really inconsistend in their availability to me, and that part of my fear comes from being so close to him and being afraid he'll be inconsistent as well. I was always so afraid as a child that my parents would actually physically leave if I wasn't careful. I think a lot of that has been stirred up.
I also feel like a little kid a lot in session lately. I'm 21, and I feel that age when I'm at my job and most other times, but sometimes, especially at night, I really feel like a little kid. When I heard myself saying in my head when I was remembering something, "I runned away," I got a little bit freaked out because I felt really young then. I don't know what to do when I feel young like that. I'm supposed to try to focus on more adult things to ground myself, but I don't know how, really.
And this fear is really serious fear that my T will leave. I almost had a panic attack yesterday because I remembered that my T hadn't been sitting in his usual chair in session yesterday (it was the same spot, but a different chair, and the usual chair was in the rooom) and I got so scared that that means he's getting ready to leave. It's not based on anything except my own fear, but it's real fear. And I feel like such a little kid for being worried about stuff like that. I didn't ask him in session because I was too embarrassed to, but maybe I'll have to bring it up, if just to quiet this fear. My guess is it was because he was wearing shorts and that chair wasn't as comfortable with shorts on, but I don't know for sure.
Anyway, this is long and rambling. Any suggestions for getting over this fear?
sunnydays
Posted by Wittgenstein on May 27, 2007, at 10:43:53
In reply to afraid T will go away (long), posted by sunnydays on May 27, 2007, at 10:02:23
Sunnydays, I'm sorry you're hurting. You need to talk to your T about your fears - even if the thing about the chair feels silly, it will help. You're not childish to feel the way you do - it's a real fear - if it's the situation you've faced in the past, it's going to bring back those same feelings when you feel you are facing the same situation now. Something 'small' like a different chair is a big thing in the therapeutic space - nothing is missed - you're not being childish to let these things worry you and I'm sure your T will understand why this and your graduation evoke these fears.
It sounds like you have a great T - I hope he can support you through your fears.
(((Sunnydays)))
Witti :)
Posted by twinleaf on May 27, 2007, at 10:52:07
In reply to afraid T will go away (long), posted by sunnydays on May 27, 2007, at 10:02:23
Two things jump out at me from reading your post- especially after having read you other ones, above, and understanding what a great relationship you have with him in your real-time therapy. The first is that it's a repetition of your childhood fears of abandonment, which you've said were very painful and real in the family you grew up in. The second is: he's a uni T, I think, and so, is it true that you can't see him on a regular basis after a year or so?Is he anywhere near retirement? (probably not, if he still wears shorts!)I know he said you could call him, but it's not the same as having regular times to see him in person. Can you, maybe, go on to grad school where you are, and keep the therapy relationship going that way?
It's so wonderful to find a great therapist, and it sounds like you are in the middle of doing a lot of really good work with him. Termination, even a year from now, sounds like it's too soon.
The only solution I have ever found to any of these problems is just to talk about them, fully, and over and over, with your therapist. Since you've got a terrific one, I feel confident that that will help.
Posted by sunnydays on May 27, 2007, at 12:08:51
In reply to Re: afraid T will go away (long), posted by Wittgenstein on May 27, 2007, at 10:43:53
> Sunnydays, I'm sorry you're hurting. You need to talk to your T about your fears - even if the thing about the chair feels silly, it will help. You're not childish to feel the way you do - it's a real fear - if it's the situation you've faced in the past, it's going to bring back those same feelings when you feel you are facing the same situation now.
**** Yeah... transference. He never uses that word, but he's been saying things like, "Let's imagine this fear isn't about me, since you know I'm not going to leave." And then it becomes obvious it's connected to my past.
Something 'small' like a different chair is a big thing in the therapeutic space - nothing is missed - you're not being childish to let these things worry you and I'm sure your T will understand why this and your graduation evoke these fears.
**** Yeah. My graduation isn't as big for me because it's a ways off. I also may end up staying near her for grad school so I might be able to see him and not just talk on the phone. The chair thing, though -- does seem a little bit childish to me. The other chair was still right there in the office and nothing else was different, so why I would think that meant he was leaving I don't know.
>
> It sounds like you have a great T - I hope he can support you through your fears.
>**** He will be able to. He's stuck by me this far.
Thanks,
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on May 27, 2007, at 12:16:53
In reply to Re: afraid T will go away (long) » sunnydays, posted by twinleaf on May 27, 2007, at 10:52:07
> Two things jump out at me from reading your post- especially after having read you other ones, above, and understanding what a great relationship you have with him in your real-time therapy. The first is that it's a repetition of your childhood fears of abandonment, which you've said were very painful and real in the family you grew up in.
**** Yeah. In my post above to Witti I talked about how he's been getting me to see that. It really is a repetition of that.
The second is: he's a uni T, I think, and so, is it true that you can't see him on a regular basis after a year or so?
**** No. I get ten free sessions through the university, and then I pay $50 a session, which isn't bad in the grand scheme of things. I actually see him twice a week now, and the only interruptions are when he's sick or on vacation. My parents actually pay for my therapy, which I'm lucky about. And I avoid telling them what I talk about there - I think they think he's helping me with anxiety, which I guess is partly true.
Is he anywhere near retirement? (probably not, if he still wears shorts!)
**** No, I don't think so. His oldest kid is in fourth grade, and he has one younger than that I know, so he has a while until they're in college. I would guess he's in his mid-fifties because he is a little old to have kids that young. But I bet he is a great parent. And I don't think he's near retiring, at least not for ten years at least.
I know he said you could call him, but it's not the same as having regular times to see him in person. Can you, maybe, go on to grad school where you are, and keep the therapy relationship going that way?
**** I'm hoping to get into the grad school at this university, or one in this area. I do like this area. I'm trying not to tie my life too closely to my therapy, but we'll see. I would like to stay near here if I can. Plus, it's the perfect distance from my parents - close enough to drive if I have to, but far enough so there's no way they will come and visit regularly - they need at least three days free to come visit me, and prefer to have more so the driving isn't too close together.
>
> It's so wonderful to find a great therapist, and it sounds like you are in the middle of doing a lot of really good work with him. Termination, even a year from now, sounds like it's too soon.
>*** Yeah. It wouldn't be termination. We could still talk on the phone at least and I bet he would be willing to make a regular appointment for phone sessions. I hope to stay in the area too. But that's not where this fear is coming from. It's a fear that the very next session he will suddenly not be there, or he'll forget about me and go somewhere or something like that. I don't think this fear of him going away is really tied to him leaving a while from now.
> The only solution I have ever found to any of these problems is just to talk about them, fully, and over and over, with your therapist. Since you've got a terrific one, I feel confident that that will help.
***** Yeah, I just have to screw up my courage and do it. It's so hard to talk about these things, but he always understands and helps me. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I've been a little too freaked out by your story to respond, but I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you're starting to build a healthier relationship with a new T.
sunnydays
Posted by twinleaf on May 27, 2007, at 13:04:12
In reply to Re: afraid T will go away (long) » twinleaf, posted by sunnydays on May 27, 2007, at 12:16:53
Yes- I was so freaked out myself, and desperate for support, that I don't think I thought enough about how what happened to me might affect others here. I'm so sorry if it frightened you- or anyone else. I'm quite sure it was a rare thing to have happen- just reading here for several years, there are so many more accounts of strong, caring relationshipe which deepen through time than there are of ones like mine. It's so sad- it all started out on such a positive note, with him saying things like we were a "good match", that he was "glad to have me as a patient", that he felt "close to me", and even, once that "it is a privilege to be your analyst". I responded to all this with a lot of trust and love. I think it was all true for almost four years- and then he seemed to collapse. My new analyst, despite being a colleague and friend of the old one, uses words like "very, very sad" and "tragedy". He's referring to what happened to the old one, whom he thinks may be physically or emotionally ill. And he is helping me a lot to overcome the trauma of it. Every week it's a little better, and I hope to be able to tell you all that i have resolved it before too much time has passed.
It is great that termination is not looming over you. And the strange situation of the chair change is worth talking about, as it's a puzzle.(his reasons and your reaction- which I think all of us would have- not just you). You know mine changed chairs twice during one session, so it may remind you of that. But mine was really agitated- not making any sense, really, whereas yours was functioning as usual- calm, understanding, supportive, helpful- just, mysteriously, from a different chair!
Posted by Phillipa on May 27, 2007, at 22:58:00
In reply to Re: afraid T will go away (long) » sunnydays, posted by twinleaf on May 27, 2007, at 13:04:12
In a way this thread reminds me of a pdoc I had that reenforced that I had fear of abandonment and I did and the person who named the theory or what not is Melonie Kline. Like when a baby your Mother walks out of sight you fears she is gone forever as you can't see her. Well I was abandoned emotionally as my Mother was sick from the time I was two and told me it was my fault that she had to carry me up two sets of stairs how ridiculous. But at age l7 she did abandon me she died. So try and hold on to the great relationship with your T. That is a wonderful thing to have. Love Phillipa
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