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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by annierose on May 5, 2007, at 22:22:09
On Monday, I shared a parenting struggle with my therapist. I was annoyed by her reply. Tuesday I shared more of my thoughts on her ideas (that I didn't like them) and she gently and painfully retraced the conversations and tried to explain where she was coming from --- over and over. I didn't say much, I was soaking in her response and seeing if it felt "true" (does that make sense?). We were quiet a bit and I started talking about something else completely. She went back and said, "We had a disagreement just now and unlike your parents, I really want to work this out with you. I tried to explain where I was coming from and how much I wanted to help you with your situation. On Monday I heard you 'screaming' that you had it with xyz. And now you are shuting me out."
I told her that I heard her. That I needed to digest her words, to give me time. She honored that and we went to talk about something else.
Now to the tenderness part of my post --- took awhile for me to get there I know.
On Friday I started up about this and that. We exchanged ideas and then she said, "Remember on Tuesday when you told me that you needed time to contemplate what I was trying to explain?" "Yes," I said. "I've been thinking, when you speak of your childhood experiences with your parents, I don't hear any tenderness or gentleness in the interactions. I was being tender with you on Tuesday, I didn't want to lose our connection. I felt like you were shutting me out but I understand now why you are so leery. There was no tenderness."
And that simple word hit me like a ton of bricks. Tenderness. It was exactly what I was missing. And what I struggle giving to my children now. Of course I have tender moments, but sometimes I'm angry when I should be comforting. I'm angry because I know I should be tender but my brain is shouting "who was there for me?" Inner turmoil smacking me over and over.
I shared this with my husband because I married a person who is worse in this emotion than I. (No coincidence there). That we both need to work on being more tender with our young children, to set a better example, it is our 'word of the day'.
One word. Bulls-eye. It's exactly was I missed and what I need now.
Posted by Daisym on May 5, 2007, at 23:46:57
In reply to tenderness, posted by annierose on May 5, 2007, at 22:22:09
What a lovely post. It strikes me that this was missing from my parents in a big way too - tenderness and gentleness. And yet, I do have the capacity to be tender, I just hide it a lot. It wasn't valued, in fact it was frowned upon.
I think you are doing amazingly hard work in therapy. To stick with it and really try to work a disagreement through is exhausting. It speaks to the value of more than 1x per week, if you can do it. Can you imagine three weeks of trying to sort all this out?
btw - my experience with you is that you are tender and caring so cut yourself at least a little slack. :)
Posted by Scentedgarden on May 6, 2007, at 6:58:50
In reply to tenderness, posted by annierose on May 5, 2007, at 22:22:09
Hi annie... Just a line to say that your post really touched me..thankyou for writing it so eloquently...!! I understand everyhting you say, and it looks to me like you and your therapist are working extremely well together..Wow!! bullseye indeed that she waas able to come back on Friday and say that...shows you she has been mulling everything over while away from you, and that shows real tender care on her part of the alliance... I hope you have a very belssed day with your family ...and future as this TENDERNESS begins to grow in you and the inner turmoil voice is quietened by the tender care you are experiencing with your therpaist...please dont mis understand me, but in a way she is almost reparenting you in this area, of tener communication...which in turn will enable you hopefully to pass it on to your own small children, who need your tenderness so much... plus i totally understand wanting to do it and the voice yellling, who was there for me...!! i get it all...and i see A BEAUTIFUL horizon before you Annie, hopefully you can share this with your hubby, and maybe being tender with him i mean passing on the tenderness you have from you T, will help him to pass your tenderness onto your children..!! wow for you ANNIE!!! WOW!...God bless you every day..i know i never write much to you but to wanted to write this, i hope you dont mind!
Thank you for sharing, thank you so much..
Sg
Posted by Honore on May 6, 2007, at 13:46:31
In reply to tenderness, posted by annierose on May 5, 2007, at 22:22:09
That impresses me so much as such an important thing. Her not knowing what was missing, and trying to keep that conversation going-- not to let it stop short, without really reaching some deeper cut at why things had gone wrong, and how to make them right. And then you two, together, somehow letting her see something new and really true--and your recognizing it and letting it in.
It's so great to see someone having such a powerful connection with a T who is really in there; and to see you opening up, moving forward.
:) Makes me smile.
Honore
Posted by annierose on May 7, 2007, at 17:38:41
In reply to Re: tenderness » annierose, posted by Daisym on May 5, 2007, at 23:46:57
I think I am tender too BUT I am also a little quick to come to an opinion about something.
Do you remember when my t called me "harsh" and "abrupt"? Well there is some truth in that ... I suppose (she says with head lowered).
I've decided to set an "intention" for being gentle with my children. My t suggested talking to them in the manner I wished I was parented. That seems hard to do but worth paying attention to.
I hope you do get to meet me one day! That would be fun.
Posted by annierose on May 7, 2007, at 17:40:32
In reply to Re: tenderness » annierose, posted by Scentedgarden on May 6, 2007, at 6:58:50
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I never mind!! Especially when people are being nice about something I wrote.
I do think she was trying to "reparent" me in this regard as well. And she may have said as much --- sometimes her words do not stick, they just fall away as I run trying to catch them and tuck them back into my head.
Posted by annierose on May 7, 2007, at 17:44:27
In reply to Re: tenderness » annierose, posted by Honore on May 6, 2007, at 13:46:31
I love my t. We do have arguements and we do see things differently sometimes. In general, I think she is more conservative and naive in general life matters. I'm more pop culture and fun. But at the most basic level, we have similar values and beliefs.
I tend to write about her when I am most at odds with something she said or did. This was a short-lived disagreement, so we are getting better at working things out. I think we are both understanding one another at a more intimate level.
Thank you again for your kind words.
Posted by Dinah on May 7, 2007, at 18:34:58
In reply to tenderness, posted by annierose on May 5, 2007, at 22:22:09
I love those ah-hah moments. :)
I confess I had to think about tenderness for a very long time. Try to think where it's been in my life, or if I show it. And I don't think I'm done with thinking.
I think if I try hard enough I can think of times. But it's tough. I don't think I'm a very tender person. I don't think my parents, or even my grandparents, were. I don't mean that in a bad way, exactly. My father teased to show affection. My grandmother was a very no nonsense sensible woman.
I think I can possibly think of times when my therapist has been tender, although normally I think of tenderness as being outside his repertoire.
I wonder why the idea makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I think I'll have to think on tenderness more.
Posted by annierose on May 7, 2007, at 20:17:44
In reply to Re: tenderness » annierose, posted by Dinah on May 7, 2007, at 18:34:58
i've been thinking about it all weekend. so far i have had many "learning opportunities" to develop a better sense embracing tenderness with my children.
my t would like me to be more tender with ME. i think most of us on babble are very hard on ourselves. so there is lots of learning to be had for me. drat. the learning curve can take forever.
This is the end of the thread.
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