Posted by annierose on May 5, 2007, at 22:22:09
On Monday, I shared a parenting struggle with my therapist. I was annoyed by her reply. Tuesday I shared more of my thoughts on her ideas (that I didn't like them) and she gently and painfully retraced the conversations and tried to explain where she was coming from --- over and over. I didn't say much, I was soaking in her response and seeing if it felt "true" (does that make sense?). We were quiet a bit and I started talking about something else completely. She went back and said, "We had a disagreement just now and unlike your parents, I really want to work this out with you. I tried to explain where I was coming from and how much I wanted to help you with your situation. On Monday I heard you 'screaming' that you had it with xyz. And now you are shuting me out."
I told her that I heard her. That I needed to digest her words, to give me time. She honored that and we went to talk about something else.
Now to the tenderness part of my post --- took awhile for me to get there I know.
On Friday I started up about this and that. We exchanged ideas and then she said, "Remember on Tuesday when you told me that you needed time to contemplate what I was trying to explain?" "Yes," I said. "I've been thinking, when you speak of your childhood experiences with your parents, I don't hear any tenderness or gentleness in the interactions. I was being tender with you on Tuesday, I didn't want to lose our connection. I felt like you were shutting me out but I understand now why you are so leery. There was no tenderness."
And that simple word hit me like a ton of bricks. Tenderness. It was exactly what I was missing. And what I struggle giving to my children now. Of course I have tender moments, but sometimes I'm angry when I should be comforting. I'm angry because I know I should be tender but my brain is shouting "who was there for me?" Inner turmoil smacking me over and over.
I shared this with my husband because I married a person who is worse in this emotion than I. (No coincidence there). That we both need to work on being more tender with our young children, to set a better example, it is our 'word of the day'.
One word. Bulls-eye. It's exactly was I missed and what I need now.
poster:annierose
thread:756195
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756195.html