![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
OK so I not supportive i am sorry but I got a question.
I am alcoholic(dry 10 yrs). So lotsa my life I bullshitted to hide addiction. Now I hate b*llshit, I try to not b*llshit.
So w/sex, I used to do it OK, but it was kinda b*llshit, cuz it was hard for me to do, but I pretend its OK.
So now I just don't do it, cuz I figger its b*llshit to pretend. I want to be honest. So what I supposed to do? LIE? Just dissoc and do it? I don't want lies. I thot sex in marriage was supposed to be bout love or something? or is it merely getting rocks off and thats all? I am confused. I feel I should 'do it', but that if I do, its a lie. Cuz it makes me feel really bad.
Muffled
Posted by one woman cine on April 23, 2007, at 14:22:32
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
Aw muffled, you should be honest - sex is not good for some people for different reasons, prior abuse, physical issues etc. - but I do think there are alternative ways to engage in our sexuality, not necessarily having sex.
Being in touch with our own personal sexuality, whatever that may be & wherever we are with it (comfort wise), is important to expressing who we are.
Physical intimacy is important with our partners & it's a way to communicate in a different way. If you're not comfortable having sex, that's cool - you're not the only one. Liking sex/not liking sex is not a value judgement on you - you are who you - it's just another area to explore and develop.
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 14:44:56
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty, posted by one woman cine on April 23, 2007, at 14:22:32
> Aw muffled, you should be honest - sex is not good for some people for different reasons, prior abuse, physical issues etc. - but I do think there are alternative ways to engage in our sexuality, not necessarily having sex.
> Being in touch with our own personal sexuality, whatever that may be & wherever we are with it (comfort wise), is important to expressing who we are.**? I not sure what you mean? I guess you got a good point below. Intimacy. I SO not good at that.
> Physical intimacy is important with our partners & it's a way to communicate in a different way. If you're not comfortable having sex, that's cool - you're not the only one. Liking sex/not liking sex is not a value judgement on you - you are who you - it's just another area to explore and develop.**WHY is physical intimacy important with our partners?
I know my man wants sex. But I would make him feel bad it I said I didn't like it I would think.
Really, if I can just learn to tolerate it w/o the fear etc, it would be OK. I also seem to suffer dissoc for even days afterwards which is really lousy.
I want to make my man happy. But I don't want it to be a LIE.
Mebbe schedual it for a certain time, just tolerate it, anticipate that I may not be there the next coupla days, and then its done until the next time.
And it won't work just blowing or hand jobs or whatever, cuz its the whole thing, all of it, that distresses me.
I feel like I ripped off my hubby and I feel real bad bout it.
Posted by sunnydays on April 23, 2007, at 16:54:24
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 14:44:56
Admittedly, I have absolutely no experience with sex - even kissing. But I wonder if you could just talk to your hubby and tell him you get afraid when having sex, and that's why you don't like it. Then maybe you two could try different things to lessen your feelings of fear. I would bet your hubby would want to help you not be afraid if he knew you were afraid during sex. Who wants to have sex if the other person's afraid? Try talking to him. It could end up being a great bonding experience for you two as a couple. Of course, I could be full of it, since, as I said, I have no personal experience in the matter.
sunnydays
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 23, 2007, at 17:06:27
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
I don't think you should do *anything* that makes you feel bad, Muffly. I do think perhaps you should try to work on these issues in therapy. Because I remember a post from you months ago where you talked about trying to connect with your husband and what a good husband he's been. So if nothing about that has changed, I think you should try really hard to find this piece of yourself.
I know it's hard, though, and I don't think you should force yourself to do it before you're ready.
((((((((Muffly))))))))
Posted by jammerlich on April 23, 2007, at 17:16:45
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
Muffly, sex in marriage IS supposed to be about love; and, if you'll take a look at what you've said, it's about love in your relationship too. You continue to do something that scares you and is very disruptive you because you love him. So, the love is definitely there, even if things are far from ideal.
I do get what you're saying about it feeling dishonest because you're doing something you don't want to do. I guess that's where intimacy comes into play. I suppose if you aren't both into it and if your partner doesn't really know your mind, then it isn't intimate.
I don't know what to suggest you do. I know my T would say she's an advocate of talking about things. That we have a better chance of being understood when we do. I'm pretty sure she'd say talk to him. But, I'm also pretty sure I'd be so scared I couln't possibly.
It's a problem I had in my marriage and I NEVER talked to him about it. I just did what I needed to do. And I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore. It's a relief. When I was in the middle of it, I couldn't imagine that I'd ever WANT to do it. But now, that I'm not stuck in fear all the time, I'm thinking maybe it's possible for it to be an OK thing. I just need to get myself to where other things are OK first. Like totally platonic affection from a female....nurturing kinds of things. I feel ashamed that I crave it (somehow it's a dirty thing in my head), but I do. So, my thought is, maybe if I could feel comfortable with that, I might be comfortable snuggling with a guy....and then MAYBE things could evolve from there.
It's also entirely possible (even probable) that I'm completely delusional!!
Posted by Kath on April 23, 2007, at 18:05:58
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 14:44:56
Dear Muffled,
You sound like such a loving, caring person. I'm sorry that it's like this for you.
Is your situation such that you could afford to see a therapist or counsellor to discuss this? The reason I ask this, is that I think communication is really important & I think it would be wonderful if you could actually talk with your guy about this.
Maybe that feels just TOO scarey! I don't know if he knows your history of what happened to make sex so unpleasant.
Do you think that you'd ever feel safe talking with him about it? Is your relationship good?
I think that the very best sex (in marriage or out) is one where both people truly care about each other - about each other physically and emotionally.
It's good you're able to talk about this here at least.
luv, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2007, at 20:55:45
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » muffled, posted by Kath on April 23, 2007, at 18:05:58
At age 40 gave up finding anything for me in it without alchohol and now want no part of it. My husband knows we snuggle instead this is a form of intimacy. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:01:26
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » muffled, posted by sunnydays on April 23, 2007, at 16:54:24
> Admittedly, I have absolutely no experience with sex - even kissing. But I wonder if you could just talk to your hubby and tell him you get afraid when having sex, and that's why you don't like it. Then maybe you two could try different things to lessen your feelings of fear. I would bet your hubby would want to help you not be afraid if he knew you were afraid during sex. Who wants to have sex if the other person's afraid? Try talking to him. It could end up being a great bonding experience for you two as a couple. Of course, I could be full of it, since, as I said, I have no personal experience in the matter.
**Actually SD you have a point!!! Duhhh. I never even THOT of saying I scared. I just was thinking it makes me feel bad, so then i thot he'd feel bad. But if he understands its fear (well, terror, to the point of nausea), well that makes it proly not seem so bad from his perspective.....
Thanks for your input, sometimes people not 'there' can see things more simply as you have.
My husband is an absolute dear.
I am mworking up my courage...
Thanks SD.
Hope you doing OK w/your T and all.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:05:50
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on April 23, 2007, at 17:06:27
> I don't think you should do *anything* that makes you feel bad, Muffly. I do think perhaps you should try to work on these issues in therapy. Because I remember a post from you months ago where you talked about trying to connect with your husband and what a good husband he's been. So if nothing about that has changed, I think you should try really hard to find this piece of yourself.
**Sigh, like Gazo, much of my therapy has been crisis control and learning ways to cope when I not doing so well. I DID mention a bit bout this in a fax (of course!).
I don't know whether I can EVER get past this, but if I can at least tolerate w/o alot of problems, then I am OK with that.
>
> I know it's hard, though, and I don't think you should force yourself to do it before you're ready.**I haven't been doing it. Its just so awful. My hubby even tries it just wrecks me. I don't show much externally, its mostly inside.
>
> ((((((((Muffly))))))))**Thanks, this most definately sucks. :-(
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:11:08
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » muffled, posted by jammerlich on April 23, 2007, at 17:16:45
> Muffly, sex in marriage IS supposed to be about love; and, if you'll take a look at what you've said, it's about love in your relationship too. You continue to do something that scares you and is very disruptive you because you love him. So, the love is definitely there, even if things are far from ideal.
**Sigh, I actuall NOT been doing it for awhile. I have a very patient and kind hubby. I WANT to be able to, somehow anyways.
> I do get what you're saying about it feeling dishonest because you're doing something you don't want to do. I guess that's where intimacy comes into play. I suppose if you aren't both into it and if your partner doesn't really know your mind, then it isn't intimate.
>**Thank you for understanding.
> I don't know what to suggest you do. I know my T would say she's an advocate of talking about things. That we have a better chance of being understood when we do. I'm pretty sure she'd say talk to him. But, I'm also pretty sure I'd be so scared I couln't possibly.
**Thank you again for your honesty :-)
I am working up my courage, cuz its just not fair to hubby.
>
> It's a problem I had in my marriage and I NEVER talked to him about it. I just did what I needed to do. And I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore. It's a relief. When I was in the middle of it, I couldn't imagine that I'd ever WANT to do it. > It's also entirely possible (even probable) that I'm completely delusional!!**Yup, you a delight jammer :-)
I too find it hard to imagine I will ever be able to more than just tolerate it. But really, its all I ask for.
Wish me luck eh.
Thank you.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:37:00
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » muffled, posted by Kath on April 23, 2007, at 18:05:58
> You sound like such a loving, caring person. I'm sorry that it's like this for you.
**Thank you. I wish it weren't this way too.
>
> Is your situation such that you could afford to see a therapist or counsellor to discuss this? The reason I ask this, is that I think communication is really important & I think it would be wonderful if you could actually talk with your guy about this.**I do have a T, but I find it difficult to talk bout this stuff face to face.
>
> Maybe that feels just TOO scarey! I don't know if he knows your history of what happened to make sex so unpleasant.**I don't have memories, only splitting and weird emotions that come outta nowhere. My hubby said one time in frustration, you abused or something? I was so shocked I said nothing, then I said I had no memory of childhood so can't say, then I BOLTED.
>
> Do you think that you'd ever feel safe talking with him about it? Is your relationship good?**We kinda distant, but we care bout one another. He is obvo a better communicator than me. I just hide.
>
> I think that the very best sex (in marriage or out) is one where both people truly care about each other - about each other physically and emotionally.**Yeah, my T said something like that once when we talking bout tears. She was saying she get tears of happiness sometimes when she 'with' her hubby, cuz it feels so good to be close in all ways.
I doubt that I will ever have that.
But who knows I suppose.
>
> It's good you're able to talk about this here at least.**Yes its HUGE to talk bout it here. You guys make me feel not so bad or weird.
>
> luv, Kath**Thank you,
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:38:07
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty, posted by Phillipa on April 23, 2007, at 20:55:45
Posted by one woman cine on April 24, 2007, at 8:01:17
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 14:44:56
Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. At all. Imtimacy includes feeling nutured in a very physical way - being held, feeling good physically with someone else - sharing that feeling. You don't need to have to do that.
& sexuality is not dependent on someone else - it's about you. It's how you feel about yourself, how you identify yourself (thereby define yourself) in certain ways - things that make you feel good and things that don't. (ie - lying in bed with candles and incense and chocolate covered strawberries - could be an intimate experience with someone else); if that feels good to you - that could be an expression of your sexuality.
It's complicated muffled - but we as a society are very cut off from our physical/sensual selves and by extension - our sexuality. Everything is equated with sex and orgasm. Real life doesn't work that way.
& I find - especially in the states, that sex and the attending conversations are talked about in varying hues of shame.
So, thanks for getting the ball rolling.
Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 9:37:29
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
OWC is right, sex and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing. i have had both, individually and together. Together is bettter.
There is sex which is mostly physical, can't ever be *just* physical though cuz your brain has to be in the mix somehow, good or bad. i've had that kind of sex, for good and bad reasons. One of the best relationships i ever had was very casual and based mostly on sex.. the intimacy was limited and grew later.
have you considered a sex therapist? it's kinda not fair to just assume your guy just wouldn't be able to consider your feelings or that he would be outright "ripped off." Maybe he'd feel like trying to work through it with you.
see.. i figure there is a compromise in there somewhere and i don't mean just tolerating sex every so often to please him. i am thinking that there are ways of building sexual trust to a level you can not only deal with but actually enjoy. That would take work and needs to involve the both of you.
sex doesn't have to mean intercourse as someone said. Maybe the way to start trying to deal with it is to stop putting the cart before the horse... don't envision the "big deal" part. Touch is more important.. even touching hands, faces, holding each other. Tantric sex is all about **being** together, and involves very little movement even.. you spend time, like hours, looking into each others eyes.. it involves very very deep intimacy.
i'm not suggesting you go for that! i'm just saying there are alternate points of view about what sex actually is.
think about what you do enjoy.. you love your guy, no doubts, you want to please him that way.. those are important things... now think.. do you enjoy it when he holds you? when he touches your hand? when he smiles or winks at you in *that* way? Those are places to start.
other questions you don't have to answer..
do you ever feel sexy? i mean, do you ever feel your body is appealling? Do you feel good about your body or bad about it?
do you ever feel good in clothes which are more alluring? like nice undies and stuff.. even if you never show them to anyone.
do you find your husband handsome or physically attractive? what things about him physically appeal to you? Do you find yourself liking his chest and arms when they hold you? or do you prefer looking into his eyes?
what things about him make you feel safe and loved? What things don't?
when you have had sex... what things stand out in your mind? position? touch? which things trigger you most? or first? Are there things about "doing it" that make it more tolerable for you? what i mean is, when you do it anyway just to make him happy.. what do you do? Those are important clues in how to get to a point you could maybe enjoy. Maybe you don't like being underneath and pinned if you see what i mean..
and i'm not saying it's just that... i know it's more complicated than just a position. Those are just clues.
try a touching exercise... with the agreement that it won't lead to sex, and it will stop at the point where you start to feel bad.. sit together in whatever degree of undress you feel safe with.. and touch each others faces, hands, arms, etc.. talk outloud about what you feel, both of you. Say exactly what you feel.. is it good, bad, scary, indifferent, safe?
i'm just shooting shite here.. trying to help... take or toss.
you still rock.
Posted by muffled on April 24, 2007, at 9:57:57
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty - really long » muffled, posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 9:37:29
goto run-excellent thinkings. Proly I show T if its OK?
Be safe.
You are special OK?
Gazo is Gazo, and Gazo is just great. Remember that.
Muffled
Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 13:17:11
In reply to ((((((((((((((((((((((((gazo-THANK YOU)))))))))))) » gazo, posted by muffled on April 24, 2007, at 9:57:57
of course you can show it to your T.. i'd be very honoured by that actually. awwww shucks.. blushing.. :o
thanks for believing in me girl.. :o)
Posted by Racer on April 24, 2007, at 17:03:20
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » sunnydays, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:01:26
> >
> **Actually SD you have a point!!! Duhhh. I never even THOT of saying I scared. I just was thinking it makes me feel bad, so then i thot he'd feel bad.Hey, Muffly -- here's your razzer, not razzing you. You clearly love your husband very much, to think so much of avoiding hurting him over this. That almost brought tears to my eyes.
What really got the waterworks going, though, was a little farther down. Putting this together with your husband asking if you were abused -- well, it sounds as though you both love one another so much, and want so much to make each other happy.
Sex and intimacy and all that are so hard. For me, sex isn't bad, and sometimes it's like a little bubble of connection that blocks out all the bad in the world, keeping me safe inside with my man. (Then again, my husband doesn't have any interest, so I don't get much these days...) For you, it's something else altogether, and I'm sorry. I wish you could experience the good in it, instead of the bad. If I were offering advice, I think it would be this: tell your husband that you're having trouble right now, that you're experiencing fear when the two of you [you know], and ask him if he would be willing to help you by holding you with no sex for a while, seeing if that could help you learn to enjoy the closeness without the fear. Just learning to be physically intimate without any sort of sex might help you a lot.
Because "sex" and "intimacy" are very different. During group one night, another group member held me while I cried, and that was physical intimacy. Not sex, obviously, but still intimacy. It was frightening for me, but it also felt so damn good. (Which was why it was so frightening...) Maybe if you learn to feel that sort of intimacy with your husband, you can learn to trust yourself sexually, and eventually even learn to trust him sexually?
I'm so sorry, Muffly, that you're having trouble. If I could wave my magic wand, I would fix this and make you the Queen of the Safe Places. I can't, though, so I'll have to content myself with caring about you and razzing you.
Razzer
Posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 18:22:21
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
Crap. I wonder if I’ll have the balls to actually post this?
I was repeatedly molested and then raped before I was a teenager. About 5 years ago I started cracking up, and finally a while back I cracked up entirely and stopped having sex altogether. You asked about rage recently, rage is the only emotion I have felt for most of my life, along with fear and shame, and it nearly destroyed me. What was so surprising is the rage just went away when I stopped being sexually intimate, it is GONE. I don’t just mean intercourse, I can’t do any of it. Hugs, talking, touching, kissing, jokes, stories, movies, even being in the same bed. I just can’t do it. Like you, I disassociate. I disassociate if he leaves the room to masturbate, I disassociate when I see a woman’s breasts, I disassociate if he touches my behind as he walks by, it all makes me disappear. Sometimes for just the during time, sometimes I’ll lose a whole chunk of time. One time I “came back” in a town several hours from my mine. I just can’t do it, the cost is too high. I hope someday, I really do, but it is nowhere on the horizon for me and I’m going to lose my marriage over it. My husband is a good man, like yours, who genuinely loves me. I should say genuinely WANTS to love me but I can’t seem to figure out how to let him. I don’t even know what plain old love is, forget about romantic love or sexual love. There is NO WAY I can contemplate any kind of interaction with him or anyone else that has intimate or sexual overtones. I have never had normal, healthy sex, I don’t even know what it is. And right now, I don’t want to find out.
Many people have told me what some other people here have told you, give it a try, go slow, try other things first, etc. There is no middle ground for me, there just isn’t. And the constant suggestion to TRY really hurts my feelings, like I’m being unreasonable. Typing that I realize that is why I am compelled to throw my $.02 in here, I apologize for throwing my defensiveness into the mix. I HAVE tried, and it ate at me from the inside out. It is so very sad, and so very unfortunate, that one of you is going to feel bad. Him for the “rejection” or you for the guilt over genuineness or whatever the feeling of the moment is. My husband’s perceived rejection isn’t going to kill him (it’s not HIM, it’s SEX), but the repeated re-enactment of being with someone I don’t want to be with drove me to the very tip of the razor’s edge, I almost killed myself to get out of having sex. I still struggle mightily with the meltdown of my marriage, and sometimes say to myself buck up and just do it, but I won't compromise my sanity that way anymore, for anyone or any reason, not even to "save" my marriage. And, as a bonus, at least the rage is gone and I’m mostly present.
What I’m trying to say is it may be that the answer is you need to give yourself some space to let your reluctance and confusion sit in a safe space.
I’m sorry Muffled, there is no even remotely easy solution sometimes.
Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 18:48:43
In reply to Re: Question re:sex/honesty ***BIG CSA TRIGGERS***, posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 18:22:21
i am very sorry for your experiences, it is powerfully sad that happened to you. i am also sorry that responses, mine at least, may have lead you to feel defensive. i think the suggestions to try come from muffled's implication that she wants to find a way... that maybe it's on her mind as a "start now" sort of thing. i hope i am not making inappropriate assumptions at all, or speaking for her ni a way that is inaccurate. In her reply to me she seemed to appreciate the ideas.
i would say i am sorry that you are in the space you are in... but i think that would be very inappropriate as you seem to feel as though it is the right space for you right now. i am sorry for the things that made this an issue for you at all. But if your heart and your mind tell you that this is not for you then i think you are doing exactly what you need to do. i think it is a good thing that you know this about yourself.
i hope my suggestions haven't hurt muffled.. i want her to be happy and safe... and you too
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 24, 2007, at 19:02:48
In reply to Re: Question re:sex/honesty ***BIG CSA TRIGGERS***, posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 18:22:21
That was a brave, honest post and I applaud you for posting it. And I agree -- you are doing a good job of protecting yourself.
(((((((Toe Tapper)))))))
P.S. I'm acknowledging that a hand shake would probably feel safer for you, but I don't know how to draw that with my keyboard. Okay?
Posted by Racer on April 24, 2007, at 19:15:25
In reply to Re: Question re:sex/honesty ***BIG CSA TRIGGERS***, posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 18:22:21
>
> Many people have told me what some other people here have told you, give it a try, go slow, try other things first, etc. There is no middle ground for me, there just isn’t. And the constant suggestion to TRY really hurts my feelings, like I’m being unreasonable.You're absolutely right, and I hadn't thought of that when I posted my advice. I'm sorry, and I apologize to Muffled, if she read it that way, too.
Funny, I get something similar in another area of my life right now -- people saying "oh, that's OK, just do this instead" and it really gets under my skin. I regret very much that I've just done the same dang thing myself. Rats. Thank you, though, for helping me get some good perspective on my own behavior.
And Muffled? I am truly sorry if you thought I was putting pressure on you to be any different from what you are. You're perfectly fine exactly as you are, unless you want to become SuperMuffly! :-D
Posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 20:20:23
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
I realize I made a few huge assumptions myself :(
I’ve been lurking for about a year and “see” certain things in certain people that seem to parallel where I am (I assume) in my own process. What I saw (assumed) in Muffled’s post is the same confusion, but more importantly reluctance, I started experiencing about five years ago around sex in my own marriage. I’ve noticed it is a subject Muffled has broached and (I assume) had uncertainty about before, along with (I assume) the uncertainty and discomfort around rage. When I see a statement that says “Cuz it makes me feel really bad.” I think to myself (I assume), yup, been there done that.
I had the most confusion around trying to understand why my years of promiscuity felt so much “better” than monogamy in a long-standing marriage, Muffled’s question presented to me (I assumed) as an iteration of that same question, why does it feel bad when it is supposed to feel good? My husband and I always had a very active sexual life, it was our common ground and what kept us glued together (we’ve been married 20 years), it was a very slow, very gradual, very sad decline. I’m really good at f%ck me sex and really bad at I love you sex, the first 15 years of our marriage it wasn’t an issue. Only when I started feeling icky about sex and I tried so hard for so long to be there for him, trying all of the things the other posters suggested and then some. It really is more the years of feeling like I HAD TO, doing something that felt increasingly “bad” that was my undoing. Which is MY thing, not Muffled's, I apologize for that.
I just wanted to be the voice that said you know what, if it feels bad there is a reason and it’s okay to take some space to figure out why. Sorry for all the toes I stepped on, and all the assumptions. Can I plead newbie?
Gazo, Racer, no apologies needed, we’re all swimming in this sea together :)
Posted by frida on April 24, 2007, at 20:44:45
In reply to To clarify, might be **sex trigger**, posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 20:20:23
toetapper...
muffled...
I'm so sorry it's so hard for both of you..
it's hard for me to say something about this because I struggle with it so much :-(
I try to "get through it" sometimes, but I agree, for me it's really, really painful.
for me it's exactly the same feelings as being waiting in the dark for my father to come and hurt me over and over.
I try to do it, because my partner feels really rejected, and i understand..it's so hard for him. So I try, I want him to feel happy. But it's so hard for me. I am left with the hopeless desperate feeling days after, the need to s.i to stop it...it's really painful. I've tried "going away" in my mind, tell the little girl in me to go and stay safely in her tree house...
i've tried other ways...
but just seeing a hand on me, hearing him breathe, anything that makes me feel he'll want to have sex with me or touch me or be touched, makes me feel as if i were getting into this dark dark place and feeling i can't ...
it's horrible for me, i'm happy going to the movies, holding hands, but anything that goes beyond that is just too painful. Being touched with the intention to be intimate that way just makes me feel it's a torture.
I wish it wasn't that way...
I remember feeling it was unfair when my T told me to try some things...i remember feeling angry at her, how could she want me to experience such pain? Now she really understands what it is like for me.
Even kissing can be triggering.
The feeling I get is that I'd rather be held as a little girl, by a mother, safely, instead of being asked to do these things.
I am sorry i have no answers...
it's a very hard issue...
talking with my T has helped, at least to feel less alone.
Maybe you could try discussing it a little with your T?
to try to see how you could feel safer and how you could talk with your husband? Maybe he'd be understanding and wait till you feel in a better place?It's really hard...I wish there were easy answers to solve this.
Sending you support,
Frida
Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 21:58:46
In reply to To clarify, might be **sex trigger**, posted by toetapper on April 24, 2007, at 20:20:23
no worries.. my toes are just fine :o) i think it's an important point of view you raised, and one i had not been able to see because of history differences. You weren't angry or anything so i'm ok if you're ok. dialogue is *always* good.
nice to meet you.. you seem very perceptive and self aware.. both good qualities IMO.
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