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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 17:37:49
I don't have any regular schedule during weekdays, (aside from T and pdoc) but for whatever reason weekends are hard for me. They are usually when I get really depressed and stressed out.
T was in the habit for a few weeks about asking me what my plan for the weekend (i.e. to keep myself safe) was. She didn't ask me this time. Now I haven't even considered it. I went to work today for a couple of hours, and did some internet research for a hobby of mine. I went to a crafts fair for an hour and drank a cup of tea there by myself. I went to starbucks and ordered a big fluffy drink. and drank it while waiting for the bus.
Now I come home, and I do a little tidying up of my dissertation stuff. and figure out what is not worth defending, and what is worth defending.
Powerpoint slides as a series of quilt blocks that tell a story.
I think I will go to the library tomorrow to help me focus on the final touches to my presentation.
but the evenings are hard. Mostly I just take my geodon at dinner time (not that I'm really eating much these days) and then I go stay in my safe place (bed) and wait until bedtime. maybe I'll do some coloring books or play with kitty.
My mom is sending me food, thinking that maybe that way her depressed daughter will eat. She said it's good stuff on the way, and easy to eat and make.
I finally told her that I was in the hospital a few weeks back. This precipitated a long discussion about what she can do to help our relationship be stronger. I responded that she should go to therapy.
Now she's been once and said it was okay. I think my T and I and mom are going to have a session soon together when my mom (who has really really asked in writing to know what's going on with me) will find out the effects of "eccentric" upbringing on my fragile psyche.
On the one hand I'm relieved, because I cannot talk about this stuff with my mom over the phone. At least T's office will be a safe place.
On the other hand, I have to be prepared for all the layers of denial and defense mechanisms that my mom will invoke to protect her ego.
My mom.
now back to me. I have short-term memory loss right now. I'm not sure why or what from. It could be stress, it could be new medication, or just the fact that my brain is too damned full.
I find myself forgetting things like what the main points of my diss were. or why I chose to do analyses in certain ways. I feel like I have to go back and read my own work to study it, like for a test. This is not a good feeling. I feel kind of ... slow...
I guess the clock just ticks on inexorably. tick tick. and someday it won't be a weekend anymore. And then I can feel some relief. I think.
Does anybody else have a hard time with this?
Even when I do go out of my slovenly pig-sty to join the real world, I feel that I'm a stranger and lonely in the crowd. The bus driver even made me smile before he allowed me to pay my fare today. A forced smile is better than no smile though, and I felt fine until he drove right past my stop. grr.
Sorry so long, I just want someone to write me back, because with every response it is just a little less time to spend by myself.
thank you from the bottom of my 3-chambered heart,
-Ll
Posted by Daisym on April 21, 2007, at 17:54:09
In reply to Weekends are hard for me-long, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 17:37:49
Me too. Weekends are hard.
On the weekend, I'm not the boss. I'm not waiting for my therapy appointment. I rarely speak to another adult IRL. Unless I go shopping. And then I feel alone in the crowd too.
Should we call friends? Sure. But I think I'm intruding and I'm not much fun to be around these days. I've been baking though, that always makes me feel better. And the teenagers that invade my house love it, so I don't ever have to eat it all, I just make it. We are a good eco-system.
I just finished a new book, "The Unsayable: The Hidden Language of Trauma" by Annie Rogers. If you are going to the library, think about looking at it. From a clinical stand point she talks about the silent language of trauma and how it plays out if we just watch for it. She is talking about children but boy did I see myself.
And for fun, I'm reading a book about a bunch of women who create a book club, but when it becomes boring they turn it into an erotic writers group. Hilarious, but I forget the title. I'll get it and post it.
This morning I watched the movie Sabrina with Harrison Ford. "Paris is always a good idea." Maybe we all need to meet there, you think?
I'm around if you want to write back. Otherwise, I hope you have a good sleep.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by TherapyGirl on April 21, 2007, at 20:09:52
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Daisym on April 21, 2007, at 17:54:09
Hi, Daisy. Please forgive me for butting into this discussion. When you get a chance and if it's not too triggering, could you say more about the book and how accurate you think it is and how hard it is or isn't to read?
I've got this kind of stuff just hanging out in space right now. My T has left it up to me whether to explore this or not and I chose not to. But now other stuff is going on that I think may be related to past csa, so I'm thinking about working on it.
I'm not making any sense, but the bottom line is I'd like to hear more about the book if you are so inclined.
Thanks.
Posted by canadagirl on April 21, 2007, at 20:20:53
In reply to Weekends are hard for me-long, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 17:37:49
That's a really interesting book link there that Daisy gave, wow.
And yes, weekends can be long and it sounds like you are trying to distract yourself as best you can. And you are getting out, which is good, but it can seem forced, can't it.Just do the best you can, that is all any of us can do.
Posted by Happyflower on April 21, 2007, at 20:22:06
In reply to Weekends are hard for me-long, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 17:37:49
((((((Llurpsie))))) I am here anytime. Thanks for today. ;-)
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 20:57:56
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Daisym on April 21, 2007, at 17:54:09
Hi Daisy,
Thanks for the book suggestion. I will put it on my summer reading list. I find it hard to read books on trauma right now. safety first, you know?I have SO many things I've been putting off for forever. Including a chapter that I'm supposed to read that is in a massively triggering book. supposedly the chapter is safe enough, but the book is not. I'm just scared to go to the library to even look it up and make a photocopy of the chapter. scared of what I might find.
I'm still finding new things. you know? most recently yesterday. 2 brand new flashbacks. yuck.
-Ll
Posted by Daisym on April 21, 2007, at 22:59:59
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » Daisym, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 20:57:56
I do know. Too well, which stinks. I'm sorry about the flashbacks. Have you learned to breathe into them and find yourself again? I had one last week on the freeway, that hasn't happened for awhile. I'll start a thread below about books. You can peek or not, I understand.
As far as going to the library, maybe the librarian would copy the chapter for you. That way you don't have to look through the book. Just a thought.
The "fun" book I was talking about is "The Tuesday Erotica Club". Very funny and light. I made fried chicken, rice and fresh green beans for dinner and cinnamon bread for desert. We ate kind of late but my son and his friend are very happy now. What did you eat?
I have a fire going, it is raining and kind of cold but my cat is sitting with me. And I have the blanket my mom made me. And 4 books and the new sunset mag about the Grand Canyon and Dehlila on the radio. So I'm set. I hope your safe place is really safe tonight.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 9:12:10
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Daisym on April 21, 2007, at 22:59:59
> I do know. Too well, which stinks. I'm sorry about the flashbacks. Have you learned to breathe into them and find yourself again? I had one last week on the freeway, that hasn't happened for awhile. I'll start a thread below about books. You can peek or not, I understand.
I had them in my pdocs office and was able to *not* slip into dissociative trance, which is impressive for me.
>
> As far as going to the library, maybe the librarian would copy the chapter for you. That way you don't have to look through the book. Just a thought.
>
> The "fun" book I was talking about is "The Tuesday Erotica Club". Very funny and light. I made fried chicken, rice and fresh green beans for dinner and cinnamon bread for desert. We ate kind of late but my son and his friend are very happy now. What did you eat?I actually have had 2 meals in a row. last night was a frozen dinner supplemented with a green salad and boiled shrimp (kitty was licking my shrimp fingers afterwards).
This am I made apple crisp and ate that for breakfast. apples, oatmeal, brown sugar, maple syrup, ww flour. healthy.
> I have a fire going, it is raining and kind of cold but my cat is sitting with me. And I have the blanket my mom made me. And 4 books and the new sunset mag about the Grand Canyon and Dehlila on the radio. So I'm set. I hope your safe place is really safe tonight.
((((cat))))
I stayed safe last night. I was in a good mood and actually talked to my husband for 45 minutes on the phone. (he's away on business trip) and that was nice. I cleaned my kitchen last night. maybe the worst of the depression is lifting?
best,
Ll
Posted by Honore on April 22, 2007, at 11:26:44
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » Daisym, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 9:12:10
Damn. Internet just ate my post. Bah. frustration on top of tedium with a mixture of the internet gnomes eating my homework. well, not homework, but ....
I've been alternating between the TV and the computer for 11 days now. TV, computer, computer,TV. TVTVTV. I even watched part of the Rome series on HBO. Ceasar is dead. And some guy is having a nervous breakdown because his wife is dead and he put a curse on his chidlren-- I have no idea why. Then he goes with his brother and beheads some guy while he's in his steamroom (yuck) and carries his head to his house and keeps it in his room for weeks. Seems the guy killed his children (again, I have no idea why) and you can go around beheading people in Rome. Apparently Marc Antony is a aelf-centered nymphomaniac with ADHD. Brutus' mother apparently also engineered the whole Caesar-assassination thing. Interesting.
So that's my weekend.
You should come visit me. We can all watch the rest of the Rome episodes together and discuss Roman History. I'll see what Shakespear had to say about all this. Or we could watch Bill Maher if anyone likes political satire.
I'll even get us a whole box of Godiva truffles. (Need I remind you that that take care of one of the major food groups?)
Anyone who needs to take a work break can go into my studio for a few hours.
Honore
Posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2007, at 11:32:15
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long (Trigger), posted by Honore on April 22, 2007, at 11:26:44
You don't like Lindtt truffles the white with cookies special for summer are very good and fattening. Lurpsie when I finished school and it as not intense like yours I couldn't reaad for a full year. I was reading burned out. Hope your weekend stays comfy and safe. Love Phillipa
Posted by Honore on April 22, 2007, at 11:48:04
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long (Trigger) » Honore, posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2007, at 11:32:15
I haven't tried the Lindt truffles, Phillipa. But I'm sure if I did, I'd like them. They are chocolate, right?
Have you ever tried Godiva? They're awfully good.
Honore
Posted by jammerlich on April 22, 2007, at 13:09:13
In reply to Weekends are hard for me-long, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 17:37:49
Oh, Ms. Noodle, I'm sorry weekends are so hard. They're hard for me, too. Do you think maybe it's because they're supposed to be the "good" days of the week when you do fun stuff....and we don't have fun stuff to do? Sometimes I think that's it, but this weekend is sort of throwing my theory for a loop. Maybe it's more that we have a hard time recognizing fun stuff when we see it right now?
I'm busy and I'm still hating it....in fact, I'm pissed because there is so much to do. I went out of town yesterday to see "Wicked". Have you seen it? I know it runs where you are. Then spent the night with a friend, drove home this morning and will be leaving shortly to take a friend on an errand out of town. I'd rather be in bed (in my own slovenly pig-sty), hiding.
Do you think our mood is written all over us? You know, because the bus driver made you smile? I stopped at a Starbucks on the way home this morning. After the guy took my order, he asked, "Has it been a good one so far?" I said, "Uh huh." I'm sure it wasn't convincing becuase there were 6 or 7 people waiting in front of me, but he made my grande non-fat Chai latte first and said, "It looks like you could use this," as he handed it to me. When I got to my car, I cried. What is it about the kindness of a complete stranger that can be so moving?
Did I read somewhere that you have 2 feline companions now? Somewhere along the way I must have missed the acquisition of the second. One of my kitties purrs very loudly. I love to lie down, with her on my stomach. I close my eyes, start petting her, and my body relaxes to the rhythm of her motor. Cats can be magic.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 14:40:42
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long (Trigger), posted by Honore on April 22, 2007, at 11:26:44
> Damn. Internet just ate my post. Bah. frustration on top of tedium with a mixture of the internet gnomes eating my homework. well, not homework, but ....
>
> I've been alternating between the TV and the computer for 11 days now. TV, computer, computer,TV. TVTVTV. I even watched part of the Rome series on HBO. Ceasar is dead. And some guy is having a nervous breakdown because his wife is dead and he put a curse on his chidlren-- I have no idea why. Then he goes with his brother and beheads some guy while he's in his steamroom (yuck) and carries his head to his house and keeps it in his room for weeks. Seems the guy killed his children (again, I have no idea why) and you can go around beheading people in Rome. Apparently Marc Antony is a aelf-centered nymphomaniac with ADHD. Brutus' mother apparently also engineered the whole Caesar-assassination thing. Interesting.I guess it's a good thing I don't have cable. my weekend alternates between me working on a craft project (a big one I started as therapy) and me wishing I felt better, and me on the computer. the 3rd of the time I spend on the computer is split evenly between babbleland, powerpoint, and online fantasy shopping.
> So that's my weekend.
> You should come visit me. We can all watch the rest of the Rome episodes together and discuss Roman History. I'll see what Shakespear had to say about all this. Or we could watch Bill Maher if anyone likes political satire.ooooohh I'd love to. dunno about politics though. I get so confused. like when people try to twirl noodle on their fork.
> I'll even get us a whole box of Godiva truffles. (Need I remind you that that take care of one of the major food groups?)I have a box of truffles. Lindt petit dessert. For some reason they were in the 75% off section for easter. I've had them since the day after easter and haven't mustered up the hedonia to break the seal. that's pretty bad.
My favorite godiva truffles are seasonal. they come out in October. Pumpkin spice truff. Then I eat godiva. Sonst ist zu teuer. One time one of my truffles was broken and I called to complain and they sent me a box of 36 truffles. I think I ate them in 2 days. oomph. I must have been more hedonic back then.
> Anyone who needs to take a work break can go into my studio for a few hours.
>
> HonoreThank you Honore, that is so kind. my studio is kid of cluttered. You know that adage measure twice cut once. well I messed up twice in a row this morning. That means. measure four times, cut twice, curse a hundred times. I'm not going to announce my craft project until it nears completion (pressure). suffice it to say that in recent days I have scaled down the size by about 50% and so it seems less daunting and more finishable.
sun salutations to you :)
>
>
>
>
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 15:01:57
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on April 22, 2007, at 13:09:13
> Oh, Ms. Noodle, I'm sorry weekends are so hard. They're hard for me, too. Do you think maybe it's because they're supposed to be the "good" days of the week when you do fun stuff....and we don't have fun stuff to do? Sometimes I think that's it, but this weekend is sort of throwing my theory for a loop. Maybe it's more that we have a hard time recognizing fun stuff when we see it right now?
I decided to do something nice for myself today. I decided to hole myself up in the most lovely library I've ever seen and prepare for my defense of the dark arts examination. I'm about 90% done with the powerpoint slides. then I will see about finding some godiva. I feel that it really must be quite close.
>
> I'm busy and I'm still hating it....in fact, I'm pissed because there is so much to do. I went out of town yesterday to see "Wicked". Have you seen it? I know it runs where you are. Then spent the night with a friend, drove home this morning and will be leaving shortly to take a friend on an errand out of town. I'd rather be in bed (in my own slovenly pig-sty), hiding.
>busi-ness sucks. I'm glad you got to do something recreational. I went to an art store today already. does that count as recreational?
Are your committments to your friends making you exhausted? sounds like a LOT, but maybe that's what you like. I tend to try to space out my recreational activities. But I am looking forward to one particular weekend that's coming up. That weekend will not be hard at all ;)
> Do you think our mood is written all over us? You know, because the bus driver made you smile? I stopped at a Starbucks on the way home this morning. After the guy took my order, he asked, "Has it been a good one so far?" I said, "Uh huh." I'm sure it wasn't convincing becuase there were 6 or 7 people waiting in front of me, but he made my grande non-fat Chai latte first and said, "It looks like you could use this," as he handed it to me. When I got to my car, I cried. What is it about the kindness of a complete stranger that can be so moving?
You and me both must be looking like a mess to have people actually comment on it. hmm. ((((chai)))) I like mine with whipped cream on top. If I can't find godiva that's the next option.
> Did I read somewhere that you have 2 feline companions now? Somewhere along the way I must have missed the acquisition of the second. One of my kitties purrs very loudly. I love to lie down, with her on my stomach. I close my eyes, start petting her, and my body relaxes to the rhythm of her motor. Cats can be magic.
The other feline companion is in a long-distance relationship with me right now. :(
I'm scared to get too attached to kitty. I'm such a freak. he was awfully sweet this one time when I was fetal in bed sobbing and he came and lay down next to me and cuddled. I think he knew...
((((((lamictal)))))))
I think I'm feeling better already. maybe I should post on meds board.
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 15:03:26
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long (Trigger) » Honore, posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2007, at 11:32:15
> You don't like Lindtt truffles the white with cookies special for summer are very good and fattening. Lurpsie when I finished school and it as not intense like yours I couldn't reaad for a full year. I was reading burned out. Hope your weekend stays comfy and safe. Love Phillipa
Thanks Phillipa,
everything feels like such an effort these days... but it won't always be like this.
Posted by muffled on April 22, 2007, at 15:56:34
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long (Trigger) » Phillipa, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 15:03:26
I got no words.
Hope you do OK.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 18:26:09
In reply to (((((((LLurpy))))))) » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on April 22, 2007, at 15:56:34
It has come time to retreat to my safe place for the rest of the evening. There will be plenty of time for me to do other things.
i deserve to relax
so do you.
It's been a tough weekend. I had to do some hard thinking (i.e. work) both today and yesterday.
Now it's time for relaxing and staying safe. please join me in your safe place of choice.
with a glass of iced ginger peach white tea, or a cup of hot tea, depending on whether you're having hot flashes...
and some earplugs to drown out the sounds that you don't choose to hear.
the door is propped open for the cat to join me.
a fan, to keep the air feeling fresh.
clean crispy sheets on my bed
a nice silver computer and a LONG ethernet cable.
and safety of babble land.
THIS is what my T was talking about. a safe place for LlurpsieNoodle. When I'm in my safe place, the environment is right, and the physical needs have been met (3 REAL meals today- whoo hoo!) then I can fight the inner demons on MY territory.
you are all welcome to join me, but bring your own beds. I need my space!
(((((gingerpeachwhiteteaoverice))))))
What are YOUR plans this evening?
Posted by jammerlich on April 23, 2007, at 1:12:27
In reply to Re: Weekends are hard for me-long » jammerlich, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 22, 2007, at 15:01:57
>>> I decided to do something nice for myself today. I decided to hole myself up in the most lovely library I've ever seen and prepare for my defense of the dark arts examination. I'm about 90% done with the powerpoint slides. then I will see about finding some godiva. I feel that it really must be quite close.
Ok, just so we're clear, the "nice" thing was working in the beautiful library? Seems less than nice to me, being of the less intellectual type!! I'm much more interested in the Godiva. Tell me about that.
>>> busi-ness sucks. I'm glad you got to do something recreational. I went to an art store today already. does that count as recreational?Heck yeah, the art store counts! Did you buy anything there?
>>> Are your committments to your friends making you exhausted? sounds like a LOT, but maybe that's what you like. I tend to try to space out my recreational activities. But I am looking forward to one particular weekend that's coming up. That weekend will not be hard at all ;)
Yes, I'm exhausted; but, blinking makes me tired. It probably has nothing to do with the committments, really. But, I really don't like having so much going on at once. Spacing the recreation out is more my thing, too. It's funny you should mention it; I'm excited about an upcoming weekend as well! What a coincidence!! In fact, it requires air travel and I just reserved my ticket about 5 minutes ago!
>>> The other feline companion is in a long-distance relationship with me right now. :(Awww, that's tough. While mine aren't so far in distance, they're really worlds away. We don't get much quality time together anymore. When I get moved, though, I'll take custody again.
>>> I'm scared to get too attached to kitty. I'm such a freak. he was awfully sweet this one time when I was fetal in bed sobbing and he came and lay down next to me and cuddled. I think he knew...Oh, cats definitely know. They're smarter than we are, I'm pretty sure. Why the fear? Do you not plan to keep him long-term?
>>> I think I'm feeling better already. maybe I should post on meds board.
This is good news! I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope it sticks around for a good, long while!
Jammer
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