Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 21, 2007, at 17:37:49
I don't have any regular schedule during weekdays, (aside from T and pdoc) but for whatever reason weekends are hard for me. They are usually when I get really depressed and stressed out.
T was in the habit for a few weeks about asking me what my plan for the weekend (i.e. to keep myself safe) was. She didn't ask me this time. Now I haven't even considered it. I went to work today for a couple of hours, and did some internet research for a hobby of mine. I went to a crafts fair for an hour and drank a cup of tea there by myself. I went to starbucks and ordered a big fluffy drink. and drank it while waiting for the bus.
Now I come home, and I do a little tidying up of my dissertation stuff. and figure out what is not worth defending, and what is worth defending.
Powerpoint slides as a series of quilt blocks that tell a story.
I think I will go to the library tomorrow to help me focus on the final touches to my presentation.
but the evenings are hard. Mostly I just take my geodon at dinner time (not that I'm really eating much these days) and then I go stay in my safe place (bed) and wait until bedtime. maybe I'll do some coloring books or play with kitty.
My mom is sending me food, thinking that maybe that way her depressed daughter will eat. She said it's good stuff on the way, and easy to eat and make.
I finally told her that I was in the hospital a few weeks back. This precipitated a long discussion about what she can do to help our relationship be stronger. I responded that she should go to therapy.
Now she's been once and said it was okay. I think my T and I and mom are going to have a session soon together when my mom (who has really really asked in writing to know what's going on with me) will find out the effects of "eccentric" upbringing on my fragile psyche.
On the one hand I'm relieved, because I cannot talk about this stuff with my mom over the phone. At least T's office will be a safe place.
On the other hand, I have to be prepared for all the layers of denial and defense mechanisms that my mom will invoke to protect her ego.
My mom.
now back to me. I have short-term memory loss right now. I'm not sure why or what from. It could be stress, it could be new medication, or just the fact that my brain is too damned full.
I find myself forgetting things like what the main points of my diss were. or why I chose to do analyses in certain ways. I feel like I have to go back and read my own work to study it, like for a test. This is not a good feeling. I feel kind of ... slow...
I guess the clock just ticks on inexorably. tick tick. and someday it won't be a weekend anymore. And then I can feel some relief. I think.
Does anybody else have a hard time with this?
Even when I do go out of my slovenly pig-sty to join the real world, I feel that I'm a stranger and lonely in the crowd. The bus driver even made me smile before he allowed me to pay my fare today. A forced smile is better than no smile though, and I felt fine until he drove right past my stop. grr.
Sorry so long, I just want someone to write me back, because with every response it is just a little less time to spend by myself.
thank you from the bottom of my 3-chambered heart,
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:752080
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/752080.html