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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 16:09:55
My disorder has a first name.
It's post-traumatic stress
My bologna has a second name
it's "lurpsie is a mess"I like to think
that every day
I learn to cope
a brand new waybut sometimes all I really do is
R-E-G-R-E-S-S
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 16:11:18
In reply to my bologna has a first name..., posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 16:09:55
You have to understand that this is not a medical condition. there is no linear treatment plan. It's not like cancer where you get a diagnosis and you try out a few treatments and maybe one of them cures you. It's more like a movie with a very confusing plotline and you're never quite sure of when an event is in the past and when it's in the future. you just hope that if you keep watching long enough that enough of the loose ends will get tied up to make some kind of sense. Some of those plotlines require different kinds of medicating than others. Some of those plotlines include you. Some of those plotlines seem irrelevant but they could become very relevant given the right context.
that's my thought of the day
Posted by scratchpad on April 17, 2007, at 16:36:59
In reply to Re: my bologna has a first name... » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 16:11:18
I wish that we only had to watch a movie about ptsd and not be the cast and crew.
Mine smacks me upside my head at the moment unexpected moments.(((Llurpsie)))
Posted by Happyflower on April 17, 2007, at 17:13:54
In reply to Re: my bologna has a first name... » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by scratchpad on April 17, 2007, at 16:36:59
Hey Lurpsie,
Would you consider EMDR therapy for your PTSD? I went through that treatment if you would like to know more, please email me.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 19:11:16
In reply to Re: my bologna has a first name..., posted by Happyflower on April 17, 2007, at 17:13:54
Hi Happyflower,
I think my next big step in therapy is termination and then initiation. I'm so happy that EMDR is out there as a treatment modality. I'm not sure whether I could benefit from it right now, though.I guess the first thing is to wrap things up nicely for my next T to unpack. I think then we have to get to know one another, and I need to figure out whether she's got a safe place for someone like me.
Then I will figure out what the next step is. Maybe EMDR. maybe. who knows?
love,
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 20:22:23
In reply to Re: my bologna has a first name... » Happyflower, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 19:11:16
I ask again. what is this therapy thing all about?
Why do I talk about stuff, and then I feel better afterwards? I just wish it could last all day long, instead of just for an hour or so.
I've got some pretty serious depressive symptoms right now. I'm trying really hard to be myself, but being me really sucks right now. I don't have anything to do besides prepare for my dissertation defense hearing. It's in about 9 days.
I have a lot of it done. And I'm not so worried that they will flunk me. I think there might be some tough questions, but I did my work.
I'm just woorried thst I will go bonkers before then. I am trying to get out of the house a little each day and trying to introspect my suicidal ideation it goes like this:
I feel like such a failure I want to hurt myself.
but you have to defend in a week. you can't do that. people are depending on you.oh okay
then a few minutes later- I'm never going to get all my work done I want to die. I just want to cease existing. You shouldn't want to cease to exist. you have so many good things going for you- loving marriage. financial security. good T, good pdoc, support from friends who care...
i feel a little better
I am so pissed off I want to kill myself. I am just so f*cking angry at X and it's not fair what she did to me. I want to hurt and I want to hurt her by hurting me. but you cant' do that. you will hurt others too. you will hurt the wonderful people who love and care about you
then I feel okay for a few moments
I feel so ill. my headache has lasted for 8 weeks now. When will it stop. the sensitivity to light. the sounds. the tension. the poor appetite. the brain shocks. I just feel so ill I want to die. This life is not worth living. but i have a cat to take care of. his life depends on me. if i go then he will be left all alone and that's not fair to him. guilt. shame
I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm such a terrible nasty person. I would do the most selfish thing in the world for the wrong reasons. I should at least have a good reason for wanting to commit suicide. But you don't have a good reason, no matter how bad you feel at this moment you will feel better at some point in the future. just look ahead to the next appt. with T or pdoc. or the next obligation at work. those things you will get done and you will feel better for doing them and for showing up.
and then I feel better for a while
and then I am exhausted and it's time for bed. I don't know how to calm my mind down and prevent these bad thoughts. They exhaust me and take away my cognitive resources. they make concentrating hard. they make me feel bad all over.
Those are depressive symptoms. now what? will pdoc hook me up tomorrow? I want something good. I have a feeling like the lamictal is going to do some good. since my dose went up I feel better. We decided to accelerate my taper. I will see him tomorrow and he will see that I am ... well... in his office again. why can't I stabilize. This has been a very rocky 3 months since making major med changes. I want something I can stick with. Something that won't leave me fat. something that won't cause me sexual dysfunction. Something that won't cause me to become an insomniac wreck...
And T asks me today- why is it that you feel bad in the afternoon. And I told her with little or no emotion (my emotions- gone. flat.) that my mom used to leave me at school after promising to pick me up. for hours. once, twice a week. wanting to force my dad to pick me up to use me as a pawn to try to teach my dad to be a better parent. but you can't teach someone to give a sh*t for their kid. If they don't feel it, they just won't give a sh*t.
so that's the psychodynamic perspective.
let's see what the pharmacological perspective says about depressive slump happening every afternoon.
see you made it to the end. I'm still here, aren't I? Aren't I? and so are YOU. In better times I would be grateful for existing. Now I feel like I'm on a slow walk to the gallows. A couple of things to look forward to though. like garlic and sangria. a camping trip. moving. so I need to think about those things and not about things like feeling crappy RIGHT NOW. but it's hard. feeling crappy RIGHT NOW.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2007, at 22:10:32
In reply to suicidal ideation self-talk trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 20:22:23
Lamictal is a good med. Give it a go. And keep safe. Love Phillipa
Posted by Daisym on April 18, 2007, at 0:05:55
In reply to suicidal ideation self-talk trigger, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 17, 2007, at 20:22:23
I have a weird, dangerous suggestion. Give yourself permission to think about suicide. Think about it, don't fight it. Don't exhaust yourself over NOT thinking about it. But set yourself a time line - a month, six months, a year -- and if things aren't better, THEN you can really consider it. Then you'll be done with your dissertation. Then you'll have had time to get someone to care for your cat. Then...whatever. But you need to give yourself some peace, and sleep, because not sleeping is the worst, worst thing.
I know -- I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row in 2 weeks. But I have a date - it isn't tomorrow. And this gives me the ability to get through another day or week.
I know it is weird, please don't yell at me Babblers. But it works for me.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 8:23:39
In reply to Re: suicidal ideation self-talk trigger » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Daisym on April 18, 2007, at 0:05:55
I can see how you might get some comfort from that idea Daisy.
I get some comfort from the idea that I had such a devasting depression a year ago (when I first started posting on psychobabble).And I pulled out of that one. This one is not so all-consuming. It is bothersome and very intense at times but not all-consuming.
So I feel better prepared because I've been to the bottom of my "pit" as muffled calls it, and I did a lot of walking around in my pit and found out what a really nasty place it was. I used to feel some lure of the pit. really, like I wanted to go there. these days mostly it's just about me falling and trying so hard to pick myself up. day after day.
And I get sick of other people pushing me down too. That really sucks. like I don't have enough to deal with? I already called a "time out" a few weeks back. I may decide to turn my place into a safe llurpsie-hotel-spa and just hang out here until my defense hearing. Going to work reminds my advisor that I exist therefor my dissertation exists, therefore it is not perfect. She wrote me emails at 9pm last night telling me that my introduction basically sucked and that I did a poor job of incorporating her suggestions. Well. I did the best job I felt like doing. and it's my paper. if the intro is boring, the kommittee (and I mean that in the E. German sense) can just skip it and go right to the pith of the paper, where all the good stuff is. frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.And that's the honest truth. I read a dissertation a while back because I was thinking about doing a follow-up study. I noticed something kooky about the stimuli that were used, and I went in and remeasured, painstakingly, all of these little dots that were used in a psychophysics experiment and found a systematic bias due to sloppy careless oversight. the sloppiness completely undermined all of the conclusions one can draw from this skimpy dissertation. She's still a PhD. my work is stronger, meatier, richer, and frankly more intriguing than hers, and than that of many of my peers. Who can honestly say that- my work is interesting?
I have to think of the future. I've been browsing the bookstores, and there's nothing written on my topic. nothing. and certainly nothing that's been written in a colloquial style necessary for people outside of academia to understand. I'm sick of writing for a bunch of crotchedty academics. I'd rather write for real people since that's what the study is about. maybe I tell people too much about what I study. I study people. there. now you have it!
seriously, though. I'm a little worried about your suggestion to consider suicide as an option because then I start plotting. the plotting is what landed me in the hospital only 3 weeks ago. If it were mere ideation I could have handled it, but with the proper tools and seeing no way out of my terror I asked my T to take me out of my danger and to the hospital.
Considering it in an abstract sense- like... if I have a backyard this time next year I will plant a garden. or... if I feel up to it in a few years I might see what my uterus is capable of producing.
stuff like that brings me a little comfort.
Did I tell you I was sewing a quilt in my manic moments? and I have my knitting to help quiet the angry mind. stich after angry stich and then it kind of melts away. That's good therapy. I've got too many projects though and then I start to feel overwhelmed. At least the quilting is one block at a time. I have 13 as of now. They are lovely. different variations of stars. Many asian inspired prints, because I want my house eventually to have a strong Asian design element to it. balinese perhaps...
sorry so long. I feel like I've been carrying so much crap inside of me for so long. time to spew and toot my horn and yell at the world and stuff.
feels good to be back on babble. really good. like coming home
Posted by Daisym on April 18, 2007, at 10:15:52
In reply to Re: suicidal ideation self-talk trigger » Daisym, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 8:23:39
***seriously, though. I'm a little worried about your suggestion to consider suicide as an option because then I start plotting.
----Just to be clear - I wasn't suggesting it as an option. I was saying that if it has become an option, one of the ways it works for me to handle this option is to give it a time line - a long stretch to completion, instead of insisting that my brain shut down the thoughts. For me, I find myself failing at even that and so the spiral continues.*******Considering it in an abstract sense- like... if I have a backyard this time next year I will plant a garden. or... if I feel up to it in a few years I might see what my uterus is capable of producing.
-----Exactly! This was what I was trying to get across, you said it so well. Think of yourself as the garden. Maybe you have snails right now, but next year!! :)I agree about overwriting your dissertation. This past weekend I watched so many people get bogged down in their intro's that they ran out of time to present what they really had done. And then they defended in a such a state of disorganization. Good enough, really is good enough. And yeah - publish for the world, not the academics. My project was a very intense look at unconscious motivation and projection and yet it had a humerous title and was completely user friendly. But the research is solid and the methodology consistent. So...so there.
Keep knitting. That's cool.
This is the end of the thread.
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