Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on April 18, 2007, at 8:23:39
In reply to Re: suicidal ideation self-talk trigger » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Daisym on April 18, 2007, at 0:05:55
I can see how you might get some comfort from that idea Daisy.
I get some comfort from the idea that I had such a devasting depression a year ago (when I first started posting on psychobabble).And I pulled out of that one. This one is not so all-consuming. It is bothersome and very intense at times but not all-consuming.
So I feel better prepared because I've been to the bottom of my "pit" as muffled calls it, and I did a lot of walking around in my pit and found out what a really nasty place it was. I used to feel some lure of the pit. really, like I wanted to go there. these days mostly it's just about me falling and trying so hard to pick myself up. day after day.
And I get sick of other people pushing me down too. That really sucks. like I don't have enough to deal with? I already called a "time out" a few weeks back. I may decide to turn my place into a safe llurpsie-hotel-spa and just hang out here until my defense hearing. Going to work reminds my advisor that I exist therefor my dissertation exists, therefore it is not perfect. She wrote me emails at 9pm last night telling me that my introduction basically sucked and that I did a poor job of incorporating her suggestions. Well. I did the best job I felt like doing. and it's my paper. if the intro is boring, the kommittee (and I mean that in the E. German sense) can just skip it and go right to the pith of the paper, where all the good stuff is. frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.And that's the honest truth. I read a dissertation a while back because I was thinking about doing a follow-up study. I noticed something kooky about the stimuli that were used, and I went in and remeasured, painstakingly, all of these little dots that were used in a psychophysics experiment and found a systematic bias due to sloppy careless oversight. the sloppiness completely undermined all of the conclusions one can draw from this skimpy dissertation. She's still a PhD. my work is stronger, meatier, richer, and frankly more intriguing than hers, and than that of many of my peers. Who can honestly say that- my work is interesting?
I have to think of the future. I've been browsing the bookstores, and there's nothing written on my topic. nothing. and certainly nothing that's been written in a colloquial style necessary for people outside of academia to understand. I'm sick of writing for a bunch of crotchedty academics. I'd rather write for real people since that's what the study is about. maybe I tell people too much about what I study. I study people. there. now you have it!
seriously, though. I'm a little worried about your suggestion to consider suicide as an option because then I start plotting. the plotting is what landed me in the hospital only 3 weeks ago. If it were mere ideation I could have handled it, but with the proper tools and seeing no way out of my terror I asked my T to take me out of my danger and to the hospital.
Considering it in an abstract sense- like... if I have a backyard this time next year I will plant a garden. or... if I feel up to it in a few years I might see what my uterus is capable of producing.
stuff like that brings me a little comfort.
Did I tell you I was sewing a quilt in my manic moments? and I have my knitting to help quiet the angry mind. stich after angry stich and then it kind of melts away. That's good therapy. I've got too many projects though and then I start to feel overwhelmed. At least the quilting is one block at a time. I have 13 as of now. They are lovely. different variations of stars. Many asian inspired prints, because I want my house eventually to have a strong Asian design element to it. balinese perhaps...
sorry so long. I feel like I've been carrying so much crap inside of me for so long. time to spew and toot my horn and yell at the world and stuff.
feels good to be back on babble. really good. like coming home
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:750759
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/750965.html