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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 17:20:41
In reply to Scary thing happened to me today*maybe a trigger, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 12:21:38
That is freaky..wow. I would have been a basket case. Omg. i hope your T is ok. i would call if it were me, i mean, he probably *is* ok, but you'll worry if you don't.
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:23:32
In reply to Re: Scary thing happened to me today*maybe a trigg » Happyflower, posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 17:20:41
I sort of feel like an idiot, especially after my phone message. I tried NOT to call but did anyways, because I was worried and my mind was getting the best of me. But he was there, because his secretary tried to page him. So I said a lot of silly stuff, felt like a fool, didn't ask him to call me back, so he didn't . (dumb therapy dance I call it). I thought maybe he would call, but he didn't, so I even feel more like an idiot. But i keep forgetting he isn't mine to worry about, and I don't think he cares that I care about him. So I feel like such a dumb *ss for caring about him because he doesn't care about me and what I was feeling.
Posted by Orchid on April 3, 2007, at 18:42:09
In reply to I called my T to check on him, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:23:32
I think it is allright. He probably would be somewhat happy that you cared enough and called, and maybe will let it go at that.
I gather you are still in huge dilemma about your relationship with your T. I have always noticed a certain ups and downs in your posts many time before. One day you are very high and positive and all happy and able to take the world by its horns, and the next day you go down very badly and start doubting everything and feel bad etc.
I think the reason is perhaps you become very passionate when you feel good and feel that everything will be allright and that you can accomplish everything. And when reality suggests otherwise the next day, you fall down very badly. I think if you maintain a kind of distant and neutral attitude about things in life, you will remain more serene and peaceful and moderately happy all the time, instead of this wild swings. Like, instead of thinking the world is all rosy one day and all bad the next day, if you think something like, "Ok, life will be full of issues and problems, and I will do my best to keep myself decently happy and functioning well. I will fall down inevitably every now and then but I will do my best to pick myself up" - that might help in maintaining a serene attitude.
And I suspect your relationship with your T (somehwat ambiguous) is causing you huge stress and causing you to go up and down in this emotional swing as well - you feel very happy when you think he cares about you, and feel very dejected when you think he doesn't. Gradually detaching your emotions from his reactions to you would help with that.
I don't visit here often so sorry if I missed anything obvious.
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:57:31
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Happyflower, posted by Orchid on April 3, 2007, at 18:42:09
I like who I am and the way I am. I am happy at least 95% of the time. I am not perfect, I do have some bad days. I am not looking to change my personality, because living life without passion, would be very dull and boring to me.
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 19:01:16
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Orchid, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:57:31
I just don't feel like posting here anymore. All I wanted was support, especially after a long and scary day, and I just feel not accepted for who I am . So just ignore my posts, because I am putting on my shield and hiding away.
Posted by Dinah on April 3, 2007, at 19:41:39
In reply to I called my T to check on him, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:23:32
There's no reason to feel like an idiot. You were worried about someone you cared about, called, and made sure he was ok.
My therapist very rarely calls me unless I specifically ask him to. Even if I leave a provocative message on his machine, if I don't add to call back he likely won't. I think that's pretty standard. It's hard to ask, but I know that I won't get what I want unless I do.
Of course, it was also a pretty distressing situation and it would be natural to want to talk to your therapist about it.
Posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 20:03:39
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Orchid, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:57:31
> I like who I am and the way I am. I am happy at least 95% of the time. I am not perfect, I do have some bad days. I am not looking to change my personality, because living life without passion, would be very dull and boring to me.
I LOVE who you are and the way you are!!!!! Like you said yourself, we are alike in a LOT of ways. i completely understand the passion. Someone called me that just the other day. Passion makes life taste sweeter and it glows in you... even over cyberspace. The down is bittersweet, and we feel it strongly. i wouldn't change one thing about that in myself and i wouldn't change one thing about you, especially not your passion.
i accept you my happy flappy flower. i don't think you were an idiot at all. i think it's very caring of you to worry about his safety. i think you made a good choice to make the call and save yourself the anxiety. Now you just have to be easy on yourself.
you're a special lady.
((((((happy flower))))))
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:05:57
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Orchid, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:57:31
After spending a childhood of having my emotions beaten down and surpressed physically and emotionally until I felt numb, , I am glad I can "feel", even if you feel they are swings on a pendelum.
I am a musican, poet, and artist, passion is my tool. I would be dead without it as a child, I would have died emotionally , and now as an adult, I use it for my creativity. Most of the time I am happy, sometimes really happy, but sometimes I feel down and depressed just like anyone else, but overall I am a consistant average happiness. I am stable overall.
Your really can't judge only by my posts. I post for support and to vent, so maybe you only know the highs and lows, but you don't know me, because you have never met me before or spent any time with me. Plus if you haven't been around much, then you don't know I am going through termination with my T. Remember how you felt when you went through that? I remember the posts. My emotions are probably normal for what I am going through right now.
I like who I am, and even if I am down, I still know I can make a difference in the world, and fly through the rest of my life with passion and purpose. I am so f*cking happy to be alive after all I have been through, so when I am happy, I am going to shout it out to the world!
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:08:41
In reply to child abuse triggers » Happyflower, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:05:57
Posted by sunnydays on April 3, 2007, at 20:20:42
In reply to child abuse triggers » Happyflower, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:05:57
I'm very sorry you feel that you haven't received the support you want from people here, Happyflower. I can kind of identify with what Orchid is describing - when I am happy I tend to forget the bad parts of life or I spend the time waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I'm not sure the answer is detaching for me - I have a lot of unresolved issues still. To me, it sounded like Orchid was talking about a mindset that I have found a lot in meditative thinking - when a bad thought passes through your mind, instead of latching onto it, just observe it and let it pass through. The same with happy thoughts. It's incredibly difficult to do, but when I try, I find it calming.
I don't think anyone was saying what you are feeling is not normal. I certainly think it is perfectly understandable and normal. It was just a suggestion from Orchid - you can take it or leave it. Just because someone posts a suggestion, doesn't mean you must follow it. I find it valuable here to get the perspectives of many different people. I don't always agree with them, but I appreciate them taking the time to think about me and my situation. I think it shows caring when people take the time to write a post to someone.
It sounds to me like maybe -- and I don't know you so I swear this is only a maybe -- that you still identify a lot with the abuse and are still very angry about it. You have every right to be angry, and I have experienced abuse and I know that anger a little bit, although I'm not quite at that point. But it seems to me like the anger would ideally diminish a little when one has fully worked through their abuse issues. Sort of a, yes this happened to me, but I'm not going to let it affect me anymore, even to be really angry about it. I could be way off base, though, because I'm nowhere near that point. As my T has said to me, "For the abuse to go away and to stop thinking about it, you have to be ready to let it go." I'm really glad you are happy, but it seems like you still get triggered fairly easy to me, so (and this is only a suggestion, nothing else) maybe you could work on this a little in your therapy. Ideally I think the triggers diminish when abuse is worked through.
I'm really hoping this doesn't offend you, and I will admit your post triggered a reaction in me to some old issues that I know I have, so I've tried to make sure I'm not reacting from there in anything I've said here.
sunnydays
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:41:19
In reply to child abuse triggers » Happyflower, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:05:57
I have worked my abuse issues out in therapy. I am not triggered, I am just tired of defending myself here on the boards. I just want people to accept me for who I am, because I like who I am .
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:47:23
In reply to Re: child abuse triggers, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:41:19
Posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 21:04:19
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Happyflower, posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 20:03:39
Thanks gazo,
Your support is just what I needed right now. Thank you so much for understanding and posting to me. It had been a long rough day, and the support means a lot.
Posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 22:51:53
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » gazo, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 21:04:19
any time sweetness. Do something nice for yourself ok? make a hot fudge sundae and a stiff drink.. then eat/drink in a bubble bath.
(((((happy flower power girl)))))
Posted by frida on April 3, 2007, at 22:53:44
In reply to I called my T to check on him, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:23:32
dear happyflower,
I wanted to send you support during this time.
I would be just as scared and I would check on my T.
I even sent her a message yesterday asking her if she was ok, because I had dreamed something had happened to her, so in your situation I would really want to check on her and worry. I understand, and I am sure he cares about your feelings too. Maybe he'll wait to talk about it in your session. I know sometimes I call my T and she doesn't respond because she wants to talk in person...or when I don't ask her specifically to call me back.I also want to tell you that you are accepted just as you are!
hoping you are okay and can feel accepted and loved for who you are,
Frida
Posted by madeline on April 4, 2007, at 5:18:48
In reply to I called my T to check on him, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 18:23:32
I would have called about him too.
A similar thing happened to me once, only much less acute.
I started wondering about what would happen if my therapist died. How would I find out? He doesn't have a receptionist and it's not like anyone in his family would call me. WOuld I just show up at my appointment time?
I told him about it and we now have a plan in place to notify me if something should happen to him.
I understand how upsetting just being caught up in a crime can be, but how much worse it would be if someone I cared about could have been hurt.
I would be freaked out too.
Maddie
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:01:59
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Happyflower, posted by madeline on April 4, 2007, at 5:18:48
Hey, thanks Maddie,
I had a rough night, had nightmares of my T getting killed in front of me. But I think I am okay now, at least I am awake now.
A year ago I was asking my T what if something did happen to him how would I know. Well he didn't have a plan, so now he does, so I actully helped him be a better T. LOL There is the whole privatcy thing you know. Plus I got him to make a will for himself, I was surprised he didn't have one.
Well I guess I just care about him, and it should't make me feel dumb, it is just complicated when it comes to our T's. I probably should talk to him because this situation was more upsetting than I thought. Not just thinking of him getting hurt, but me getting hurt too. sigh, I really don't have time for this right now.
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:05:33
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Happyflower, posted by frida on April 3, 2007, at 22:53:44
Thank you frida,
I really needed some support right now, it was a scary experience, and well I just needed someone to understand and not judge me and point out my faults. I had nightmares last night about this, it was so scary, but I think I am okay, maybe tired. Thanks again for your acceptance. ;-)
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:06:20
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him, posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:05:33
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:08:46
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » Happyflower, posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 22:51:53
LOL gazo,
I don't know if a stiff drink goes with a hotfudge sundae, but what do I know? LOL
I plan on exerciseing good today, that helps a lot. Thanks for our chat last night. Talking you makes me feel good, so I hope you stay around here! ;-)
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:10:22
In reply to Re: Scary thing happened to me today*maybe a trigg, posted by Gee on April 3, 2007, at 13:46:57
Thanks Gee,
I did call my T , I assume he is okay, but he didn't call back, because I didn't ask him too, so I sort of wonder. I just forgot about the thearpy dance of having to tell him to call back.
Posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:11:52
In reply to Re: Scary thing happened to me today*maybe a trigg » Happyflower, posted by Dinah on April 3, 2007, at 12:37:33
Thanks Dinah for you support. I don't think anyone got hurt, but I missed last night's news so I don't know for sure. It was scary, but I am going their again this morning, so I should be okay, I am just not taking the stairs.
Posted by gazo on April 4, 2007, at 7:48:33
In reply to Re: I called my T to check on him » gazo, posted by Happyflower on April 4, 2007, at 6:08:46
Posted by Orchid on April 4, 2007, at 11:44:35
In reply to child abuse triggers » Happyflower, posted by Happyflower on April 3, 2007, at 20:05:57
I am sorry if it sounded like I am trying to not accept you. I don't think I can explain fully - sunnydays probably said it better what I was aiming at. I was trying to suggest a more meditative and serene state of mind - it works for me. Not to say that you shouldn't have passion, but that it should also take into account that things always don't go the way we want it to go and that we should have the agility to accept it and not let it get to us.
Somehow many times my posts to you triggers you and I can't seem to change it. I am sorry anyway. I certainly wasn't looking to cause any more anguish to you.
Posted by gazo on April 4, 2007, at 12:13:12
In reply to Re: child abuse triggers » Happyflower, posted by Orchid on April 4, 2007, at 11:44:35
Hi Orchid. Please forgive me if i am intruding, and HF please forgive me if i am not getting this right or putting words in your mouth. You know i love ya babe.
i think the problem is the suggestion of what to do instead of the simple acknowledgement of how she is feeling. Sometimes we just need to feel some empathy and understanding instead of a "do." Sometimes we just need to feel heard. Does this make sense?
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