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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on April 1, 2007, at 10:20:44
And in fact I have a very good reason for not terminating. Something would inevitably happen if I terminate that I don't really want to happen.
But my mind drifts there all the time. I even know what termination gift I would give him.
Apart from the good reason I have for not terminating, I think I have some bad ones too. Fear of change. Fear of making him angry.
I don't know how much thought I should even give this, since the good reason is really very good and I think it would be unwise for me to terminate. It's just that I'm so often bored lately, and my attempts to breathe fresh life into our too comfortable relationship just aren't working. And it's not that I dislike comfortable. My husband and I are very comfortable, yet we have fun together because he's a funny guy and we really enjoy being with each other. (Most of the time, of course.) We make our own fun.
Posted by DisTraught on April 1, 2007, at 11:44:51
In reply to It's not that I'm ready to terminate, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2007, at 10:20:44
Hmmm, it sounds like you're ready...sort of:)
You'll know what to do after another, few sessions. No matter what, the separation angst will of course be there, be it that you give it five or ten more sessions. I guess it's about accepting it.Penny
Posted by All Done on April 1, 2007, at 20:34:18
In reply to It's not that I'm ready to terminate, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2007, at 10:20:44
> But my mind drifts there all the time. I even know what termination gift I would give him.
>
> Apart from the good reason I have for not terminating, I think I have some bad ones too. Fear of change. Fear of making him angry.I'm assuming you've talked with your T about your fear of change since I know you've talked about it here, but the fear of making him angry is interesting to me. Have you ever told him that?
I talk about termination a lot. Well, at least more than I talk about some other things. Sometimes I bring it up and sometimes my T picks up on something I said and relates it back to what he calls a termination fantasy. (Nothing good about this fantasy, of course ;). ) It seems there's a lot to talk about within the subject of termination. Now, mind you, I always make it very clear that I'm not ready to terminate (unless it's one of the odd times I'm feeling like I might be). He accepts that and always reassures me that he thinks we have more work to do or that he believes termination should happen when we both agree it's time (I'm so afraid of him kicking me out or something).
Anyway...long story short, I think it can be healthy and beneficial to talk about termination at any time - not just when you absolutely know you're ready. I'm of the opinion that I'll need some help from my T to know when it's time, so how can I not talk to him about it? And it sure does make for some interesting sessions for me. It definitely brings up some strong feelings and reactions in me and even in my T sometimes.
Okay...to make a long story even longer, you talk about being comfortable and it sounds like you might want to mix things up a bit. This is an easy way to do that. The topic is anything but comfortable for me. ;) My standard advice - talk to your T about it. Just think of it as an exploration, not as you telling him you're ready to terminate.
((((Dinah))))
Laurie
Posted by mair on April 1, 2007, at 20:49:24
In reply to It's not that I'm ready to terminate, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2007, at 10:20:44
I'm not saying this is the same with you, but my T has observed about me that I have a tough time figuring out how to use therapy effectively when I'm feeling better. I always get bored in therapy when I'm doing better. I've never had to deal with the boredom issue for too too long because I inevitably crash.
Then I wonder if I've crashed because I'm worried about my dwindling relationship with my T. Maybe I'm subconsciously undermining my own good mental health.
It's quite the conundrum.
Mair
Posted by Honore on April 1, 2007, at 21:14:01
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate » Dinah, posted by mair on April 1, 2007, at 20:49:24
I somehow think Mair might be onto something-- you feel uncomfortable when things feel too good.
Not with your husband, but maybe in other ways, or in some way that's important.
I'm not sure, at least, why therapy would become boring, even if you are better or even if you don't need it. Boringness seems to suggest that there's some anxiety that you're suppressing-- at least that's what my T always says to me, if I say that. (Not that I;ve said it often.)
Sometimes you've said you couldn't live without your T; other times that it's boring or dead and nothing is happening. I wonder if there's something about that dichotomy that has some significance-- that desperation and total indifference or non-relationship are two poles that you haven't managed to integrate, at least enough, or in enough areas of your life.
I dont' know. I somehow don't think you are at the point of termination-- although you're at a point-- I'm not sure of what, or how to discover what it might be. But some element seems to be missing.
Honore
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2007, at 9:22:33
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate, posted by Honore on April 1, 2007, at 21:14:01
Things have never really been the same again since the disruption. Some of the security that was the reason for my desperate clinging is gone.
But partly the dichotomy is a result of the same forces that make me think that staying in therapy is necessary. I'm afraid that if I leave therapy, the part of me that needs him, the emotional part of me (which is already weakening) will die, or maybe just go away. In fact, that isn't a fear, it's a certainty based on past experience.
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2007, at 9:31:43
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate » Dinah, posted by mair on April 1, 2007, at 20:49:24
I've been bored for a while now. Did she have any suggestions on how to use therapy when you're doing well? Because I can't really see what you *can* do with it when you're feeling ok.
Not that I'd say with a straight face that I'm doing well. But my doing badly is purely environmental at this point, and the only cure is to muster my courage to change my environment. My therapist is no help whatsoever with this, since he opposes major change in those areas.
I have this long history of making major changes in what appears to be an impulsive manner. But it's not as impulsive as it seems. Since I oppose change in general, the forces for change build up slowly and subtly until in time I have the "sudden" enlightenment that something is the right thing to do at this time.
I understand wondering if there isn't a built in deterrant to getting better in that in getting better you lose this person who is so important to you. My therapist saw this and gave me permission to see him for as long as I wished whether or not I got better.
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2007, at 9:42:00
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate » Dinah, posted by All Done on April 1, 2007, at 20:34:18
The topic certainly isn't a comfortable one for me.
My therapist has spent a great part of therapy teaching me that it's ok to get angry and it's ok for him to get angry and that it won't destroy the relationship. I think I have grown to understand that. At least in the little things.
But this isn't a little thing. And I'm positive that bringing this to the table would undermine his trust in me. I know this really isn't typical, but over the years we've both made a commitment to the relationship that isn't at all one sided. It wasn't just his reassuring me that he'd be here for as long as I needed. It was both of us committing to work on the relationship and keep it healthy.
Especially since I'm pretty sure there are good reasons not to terminate, I'm unwilling to undermine the relationship by compromising that commitment.
I know this isn't usual in a therapy relationship, and that some people might not at all approve. But I hope everyone realizes that relationships evolve according to the needs of the relators, even if it isnt' standard textbook.
I think this is something I need to work out on my own before I bring it to him, if I ever do.
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2007, at 9:44:58
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate, posted by DisTraught on April 1, 2007, at 11:44:51
I don't know...
We're celebrating our twelth anniversary tomorrow. He is someone important to me, and losing him would be like losing a family member.
Overall, I think I'd rather figure out a way to stop feeling bored.
It is a huge step on my part, though. Not too long ago I'd never have been able to say the "T" word.
Posted by Honore on April 2, 2007, at 11:00:47
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate » DisTraught, posted by Dinah on April 2, 2007, at 9:44:58
I personally am glad you aren't seriously considering termination. If the emotional part of you would suffer some suppression or lessening, it wouldn't be good. I like the emotional part of you! I'm not sure it would die-- if fact, I'm sure it wouldn't-- but maybe you would consciously reject it more, which would be a loss.
My T is also like a part of my family. In fact, he is my family, insofar as I have one. He and my sigO anyway. So I would never end the relationship.
I do think that finding how to make things exciting when you're okay is an important job in T. Being okay doesn't mean being dull--even if Tolstoy thought so-- although we all have some sense that suffering is intense, and okayness is just mundane or banal and blah. But I think that's where we diminish okayness or goodness, and disallow ourselves from finding the kinds of intensity it offers. They're there, but suppressed.ignored, or denied.
It's interesting to think about termination-- without being at all likely to do it. I can think about it-- sort of-- without totally freaking out. Which is good-- it means I'm stronger on my own-- but I have no desire or intention of losing such an important part of my emotional life-- or person in and to my emotional life. It would make me poorer-- which I don't need-- and increase my losses, which I also don't need.
So I'm also working on ways of making okayness a substrate of excitement and adventure, rather than bland nothingness, or boredom, or "so now, what?'ness."
Maybe, you can rebuild that trust, in a new and perhaps different way, despite the disruption?--
Plus, prospectively: happy 12th! (I'm trying to desensitize you...) -- maybe some rotten eggs and a nice present too? to represent the ambivalence?
Honore
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2007, at 11:44:53
In reply to Re: It's not that I'm ready to terminate » Dinah, posted by Honore on April 2, 2007, at 11:00:47
:)
I'm not mad at him anymore. I'm not sure why I was. Checking his cell when it rings and telling me things at the very end of session are longtime irritants to me. I forgot to ask at the beginning of session if he had anything to tell me, so that was partly my fault. And he swears that he wasn't checking the cell number, or sending a text message, but was just fumbling with his new phone to try to turn off the "someone called" alert so that it wouldn't be a distraction. That new phone is going to drive me nuts. And can't he put it on flash ring and stick it in his coat pocket or something?
Anyway, I'm not really angry anymore, and I'm off to try to find a dozen something or anothers that won't go bad before tomorrow morning. I would find it hard to stop tomorrow morning, because I have to drop a dog off at the vets on the way, although if I come up empty today I guess I'll have to figure out something tomorrow.
Unfortunately, I still am having the slightly sick feeling I've had all weekend, and made the mistake of eating. So I'm not exactly shopping with joy or anything. :(
I'm glad you understand, Honore. It's a hard thing for even me to understand sometimes.
(I've been thinking of suggesting a therapy game. I know they have them for kids, and they probably do for adults as well. It's a shame that we really don't have enough in common to enliven a relationship when there's no crisis, but this is where the fact that we'd really never have become friends or anything in the real world becomes a slight nuisance. And either he doesn't feel the boredom, or he's used to it, because he's not helping me *at all* despite my requests.)
This is the end of the thread.
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